I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005


This is a continuation of my Southern Lessons for Damn Yankees and all the other lost souls of the world.

SOUTHERN LESSONS #351 and #352
Every summer....beginning around the end of June.....every good Southern Lady discreetly puts a clean paring knife in her purse. Every good Southern Man just makes sure he cleans the congealed deer guts off his pocket knife and keeps it handy. Why do we do this? Are we planning on hurting someone? ABSOLUTELY NOT....why, that would be just plain rude!! No, we keep a sharp knife handy at all times because you never know when a Good Tomato is going to cross your path.

That's GOOD TOMATO, as in "Daddy's grown a bunch of good tomatoes, and they're gonna go bad unless you take some." Depending on what area you live in and who you're talking to....the word "tomato" may actually sound like "may-tas" or even "may-ters"......however I am actually from the city so I say "toe-may-tas" in the accepted snootified fashion. Okay, I realize that's wrong, too...but it IS how I say it. And that's okay....because I'm Southern!!!!!

But anyway....I stopped growing my own tomatoes after last year. I intend to start back whenever I decide I am ready for love again.....(and that's one of the items on my love agenda...."Must be willing to help dig the tomato patch in the spring.") But I really don' t have to grow my own....free Good Tomatoes come my way almost every single day in August.

When people start getting the first of their tomato harvest....they HOARD those things like gold. They're eating tomatoes every single day....and you know they are. Because they walk around with that self-satisfied "home-grown tomatoes" smirk on their face.

Just remain patient for about two weeks (and visit the Farmer's Stand on the way home). Next thing you know, they're begging you to take those bitches off their hands!!! EVERYONE wants to give you some of their Good Tomatoes. And then they want you to take some that their mamas and their uncles grew, too! Like I said, I eat fresh tomatoes for breakfast, lunch and supper every single day in August. 98 percent of my yearly tomato intake occurs in August.

Which brings us to the next lesson....why you need to visit the South at least once during August and getcha a few of them home-grown toe-may-tas. "But..." you say, "I don't LIKE tomatoes!" Well if you don't like tomatoes, its because you've never had a real one, from the South. Good Tomatoes are not those things you get when you get a sandwich from Subway or Wendy's. As illustrated below:

This tomato is positively ANEMIC. If this is what you're eating....no wonder you hate tomatoes!
THIS is what you want your tomato to look like:

So juicy and tender that making actual slices is impossible....it just kind of falls apart in the plate. And this is NOT a picture off the internet....this is a REAL tomato from my REAL kitchen.


(You young'uns won't even know what I'm talking about....but your elders sure will!)