I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, February 27, 2007


Like I have threatened to do in the past, I might shut down shop on this blog. I've been doing it a long time now. Maybe I don't have anything left to say. This morning my mind is like an empty billboard......advertise here! Maybe I better stop right now, there's no sense in forcing a blog. I might get bloggorrhoids.


Monday, February 26, 2007


Either my father didn't love me or he was so emotionally retarded that he couldn't show love if he did feel it. I was scared of him when I was a little kid. Things were never good between us, if he wasn't mad about something, then it was a lot of uncomfortable silences. A lot of our problems stemmed from the lady he married after he divored my mother, by all accounts a rather witchy woman. She would make stuff up to be mad about and then get him going.....but this isn't about her.

By the time I was in my late teens, I'd had enough. Why spend your life trying to please people who cannot be pleased? My self-esteem was already gone (not to return for many years), why keep beating a dead horse? So I let them go. A year or two later, my sister reluctantly did, too.

A few years later the Stepmother got leukemia and died quickly. I was distraught, I didn't like the woman, but I didn't wish something like that on her either. However, she was always fond of telling us that we "upset our father" so we did what we felt he wanted and stayed away.

He married again like 5 or 6 months later! The new lady was really pushy, but really nice and she was the boss of him, honey. She MADE him get on the phone and call each of us. And of course we welcomed him with open arms. I was proud to meet with him the first time with my husband and 6 year old in tow. And he was a changed man, he was nothing like the man I could barely have a conversation with from some years before. Only sometimes was there the awkward silence.

By unspoken agreement, the past was the past. We did not rehash. No one proclaimed right or wrong. His new wife gleefully told us everything we needed to know when he wasn't around. She loved that kind of stuff, and we forgave her for it.....after all, if not for her......

Then he got cancer and died quickly, it will soon be 10 years. We had about a year and a half with him. Good times. Something to remember. Not everyone gets their rifts patched up like this. For me, it was like a band-aid on a shotgun wound, but it worked for me. But when he died I went through a long time of feeling like he never loved me, he just did all of that to please his new wife. SHE wanted it all healed. I still feel like that. If you asked me to point out what has "ruined" my life the most, it would be this relationship.

Last night in my dream I was on the porch of a beach house. He came up beside me and we just stood there looking down. There was a storm coming and the waves were starting to roll in under the stilts of the beach house. And we just stood there looking, not talking. And for once, the silence wasn't awkward.

I know its just the product of a mind trying to heal itself, but it was a really nice moment, I want it to be real. Its all just water under the beach house.

Friday, February 23, 2007


Just go ahead and sit there at your little desk, all smug and self-satisfied. You've worked hard to get where you are, haven't you? You think you have life by the balls, don't you?

I am here to tell you that the blue-collar American male has it much better than you.

You see, those blue-collars, they stick together. Nobody really knows what they're up to exactly, at any given time. But I was able to dig the real truth out of a 'squealer'. This particular blue-collar worker happens to work construction. Here is a typical day:

- Arrive at work at 7:30.
- Take biscuit orders from everyone on the crew.
- Head over to Bojangles and pick up the grub.
- Arrive back at jobsite about 7:55.
- Everyone eats till about 8:15 a.m.....after that, coffee and cigarettes.
- Now the real work begins...from 8:30 to 10:30, work is intense.
- At 10:30, its time to discuss the Duke game last night and tease ol' Goozlenator about his wife leaving him.
- At 10:45, you realize you are out of sandpaper. Never mind that you were NAILING anyway, you're out of sandpaper, dammit.
- You and a couple of best buds from the crew head over to Home Depot for supplies. Ol' Goozlenator has a joint with him, so all of you smoke it on the way back to the jobsite.
- Before arriving at the jobsite, all of you realize you're really really really hungry.
- You phone in to let the crew chief know that ya'll are just going to go ahead and go to lunch, since, you know, you're already out anyway.
- You and the boys head over to Hardee's. Between the four of you, you spend about $75.00 for lunch. Lots of fried chicken and Thickburgers.
- Once you're back in the truck, you realize you've eaten your buzz away, so you finish off Ol' Goozlenator's stash.
- Arrive back at the jobsite loaded out of your mind.
- Spend the next hour contemplating the physics of how a nail splits through the wood when you hammer it. You experiment with various hammering techniques and degrees of force when hitting the nail.
- 45 minutes later, you're out of nails. And Bubba down on the other beam breaks his hammer. Its time to go back to Home Depot.
- By unspoken agreement, you and Bubba head directly to the BP station, where you and he both buy 44 oz. Super Guzzler soft drinks. You hang out there at the BP for awhile, just chatting around with the cashier, Skeeter, and smoking a few cigarettes.
- You and Bubba finally make it to Home Depot.
- You finally make it back to the jobsite around 3:35. By now it is obvious that everyone else's lunch buzz has worn off, and everyone is feeling the fatigue. You carry a few boards from here to there, making a new pile in a new place. After about 10 minutes, you join your other co-workers in their fatigue complaints.
- Around 4:05, your boss says he reckons that good progress has been made today, to go on home and rest up, because tomorrow there will be a few pieces of sheetrock hung tomorrow.
- The entire crew heads en masse back to the BP station for take home 12 packs. You and Ol' Goozlenator stop off on a deserted back road to burn one before you head home to Wilma and the kids.

And what did YOU do today? Meetings, conference calls, spreadsheets and stress, you say?
But you DID get a Bojangles biscuit this morning? And you stopped off on the deserted back road after punching the time clock?

Sure, sure you did.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


Taking the advice of some commenters and doing a little research of my own, I have come up with a full-proof post that will put me back in the game of blog numbers!

Once upon a time Kukla, Fran and Ollie joined up with a Teletubby on Sesame Street and they got the blues. They tried to figure out what was wrong, and decided they were hungry. They contacted Zsa Zsa Gabor, who promptly cooked up those bastards of bologna: pimento loaf, macaroni and cheese loaf, and some fiddle heads on the side. All of them ate heartily while they discussed Britney Spears shaving her head and speculated as to what recipe of methamphetamine she is taking. Deciding that it was equal parts Drano, kerosene and ant poison, they all retired to the brothel down in Boobville so they could sleep it off.

Meanwhile, Angelina Jolie and Suri Cruise were spotted hanging around with Brad Pitt at Gold's Gym. Kylie Minogue was there also, looking quite well since her recovery from cancer. They talked about how they are all fans of Syd Barrett and Stephen King. While all this is happening, Britney Spears suddenly walks in.....she's left rehab again! Oprah and Rosie O'Donnell show up to talk Britney back in rehab. Oprah said, "Really, Britney, do you want to end up overdosing like Anna Nicole Smith? Or party it all away like Miss America?" At which point Rosie O'Donnell muttered "Donald Trump is an ass!" It ended when Britney surrendered to her Higher Power and entered the 12 step program. And they all lived happily ever after.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


My blog numbers have dropped like an elevator in free-fall. I went from a solid 250 a day average to like.....89. In a week's time. That's pretty damn bad. I know I have been slack about comments lately but things should be calming down in a week or so, jeez. It's not like I don't love you guys anymore. Thank God for Zsa Zsa or I wouldn't get hardly any hits at all!!! LOL.

Here's some random Sesame Street thugs.

While my blog numbers plummet, my Myspace numbers are through the roof. I'm not sure why. I'm getting a thousand hits a week, and I'm not kidding! Just think what would happen if I posted Zsa Zsa on Myspace....holy shit!!!!

I finished a painting! I will post it on here but it will be awhile. I'm so happy though.

A not-so-secret message to a certain person named JUSTIN: get your ass over here so we can start watching Martin Scorsese's "The Blues"!!!!!!!!

I switched to the new Blogger over the weekend. It was so easy even I could do it. Now I don't have to log in all the time.

Sparkle has a new boyfriend. His name is Tyler. He plays World of Warcraft all the time, and you can hear him munching on chips the whole time he plays. That's really all I know about him.

I suppose some of you are wondering what ever happened to Bitchard? Well. Bitchard has joined the Air Force. He leaves in April to begin his Air Force life. It is actually the best thing he could be doing for himself right now. I just hope he doesn't get sent to Iraq or anything.


Tuesday, February 20, 2007


All right, here's a new Blogger question.

I've written a post and I save it as "draft". So therefore, the next morning, you need to go to "edit posts", right? Well, how the hell do you get it to post from the edit board? Here's today's entry, without pictures because I can't figure this %%(#$(&)@#($&# out.

Well, it won't let me copy and paste either. After you right click and highlight, it just closes the edit window. If you happen to come by my house you can probably pick up a computer for real cheap. Just check the backyard.

Somebody please tell me why I can't publish from the edit board before I SCREAM!


Monday, February 19, 2007


As I blog along through the years, I just keep on learning new things. Like the video I posted last week. I never realized the fascination that people have with man boobs. I was going to post an image of man boobs, but its pretty bad and definitely NSFW. If you are curious, go google “man boobs” and I bet you can figure out the ones I am talking about. What is so horrible is not really the man boobs, its what might be growing UNDER there that scares me. Mold?

I am so glad I am not a man. What if I ended up with man boobs? I guess there are things more terrible. Being a woman, we have our own special problems, so worrying about those PLUS man boobs just seems overwhelming.

What special woman problems, you ask? Well, how about HAIR? Hair has been quite an issue this past weekend. People just look at you differently when you are a woman and you don’t have hair. Not to mention acting in a psychotic fashion whilst having no hair. That’s enough to get you on CNN.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Royal Drum Off

Sometimes when I am home alone in my room....I have been known to do things like this.


Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I know how it feels to be on your own
In this cruel world where hearts are bound to turn to stone
When you are alone
And you're tired of breathing
It's all gone wrong
And you just can't stand the pain any more
You're too numb to believe in

Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down

I know how easy it is to let go
Surrender to despair lurking at your door
To lose your soul and all your feelings
Strength all gone
And so many things left unsaid
And deeds undone
You've stopped caring 'cause it's all in vain

Baby just don't close your heart
Darling don't let me down
- ville valo


Tuesday, February 13, 2007


I am ready for winter to go away now. All the snow is up north, all we can get around here is rain, and I don't like cold, rainy days. So if no snow is on the horizon, it should go ahead and get warm as far as I am concerned.

The air is so dry! I wake up in the mornings feeling like a dry, dusty mummy that's been hanging around for 100,000 years. As I take my first sip of water of the day, all I can think about is those National Geographic TV shows, when the monsoon season first descends upon the desert.

Greg from Hasty Ruminations has hit upon a great new fad. If you are a male between the ages 0f 18 to.....oh......75, you should claim to be Anna Nicole Smith's child's father!! You never know, maybe you will have the lucky DNA. Or be the closest without going over or something. Of course, if you get any of her fortune, please be sure to remember where you got the idea!


Monday, February 12, 2007
ZSA ZSA VS. ANGELINA (in a steel cage match)


Okay, so I DIDN'T switch to new Blogger this weekend. What's the big hurry anyway. I need time to THINK THINGS THROUGH. Also, I am quite lazy about starting something I don't feel like doing anyway.

Pretty soon I am going to start writing a book about how Zsa Zsa Gabor made me famous. How? you ask. Okay.....Anna Nicole Smith dies and suddenly men are pouring out of the woodwork to claim they are her Baby Daddy. And one of these men happens to be Zsa Zsa's husband, who apparently is as looney as she is. Zsa Zsa, that is. AND Anna Nicole. But ever since this news broke, I have been receiving an unbelievable amount of hits for a Zsa Zsa picture I posted on the blog long ago. So many, in fact, that I am starting to worry about bandwidth issues on my pictures account. This has put the Angelina Jolie picture to shame. Would you have ever thought a Zsa Zsa picture would outdo an Angelina picture?


Friday, February 09, 2007


Planet Brenda: the only site on the internets that is not going to hash over the Anna Nicole Smith case. All I'm going to say is R.I.P. and ummm....that they may want to keep checking out that lawyer of hers.

My daughter plays an online game called World of War. I've listened in on them playing before....basically all that goes on is journeys through strange lands and a whole lot of teenage cussing. But tonight was devastating. I heard my daughter screaming and I went to check on her. "What's wrong?"
Apparently this is not unlike Dick Cheney throwing down the controls and stalking out of the White House.
What it boils down to is that "Terminator", a popular 15 year old, got really mad at "Le Douche", presumably because he was living up to HIS name, and resigned his Guild membership. The entire Guild is in mourning. I had no idea that all this drama went on behind the scenes of these online games. But, you know, Terminator was the only one in possession of an over-level 60 tank and he wasn't using this tank to its fullest potential to protect other Guild members. THIS STUFF IS IMPORTANT!

As stated earlier this week, I am going to swich to Blogger beta. I am not happy. I've never made any secret of the fact that my computer skillz hover somewhere around the "barely competent" range. If my blog disappears, you will know what happened. You and I both know.....IT COULD HAPPEN!

ADDENDUM: When I got up this morning, Sparkle informed me that late last night, Terminator came back to rejoin the Guild. YAY Terminator! Now use those over-level 60 tanks to your advantage, kill some enemies and may The Guild be your guiding force.


Thursday, February 08, 2007


I have my cell phone service through Nextel. For those of you that have Nextel, you already know about the beep-beep. For those that don't, the phone features a direct connect feature, affectionately known as the "beep-beep" here in the South. All you do is beep your friends that have Nextel also, and you can be talking to them without charge.

Walkie-talkie style. Ohhhh yeah.

Now, when you were a kid, you loved walkie-talkies. I already know this without even knowing you....all kids love walkie-talkies, radios and such. I can remember watching longingly as my dad spoke on his police radio.....a device that was so TOTALLY off-limits to me that it became a dream to actually use it one day. I never had my very own walkie-talkies either, though I remember helping quite a few kids burn up the batteries on theirs. The Nextel phone has awakened the child-beast within.

I can't get enough of the beep-beep. I like calling people when I don't really have anything to say, just to hold the phone up to my mouth and speak into it like a real walkie-talkie. Also, I MUST speak the walkie-talkie lingo while I use it. I'm actually saying things like "10-4, I'll be there shortly!" "That's a negative, I'm going straight home." And every conversation ends with "Roger, over and out."

It's driving everyone crazy. Sparkle is like "Mom, you do know you're not actually on a RADIO, right?" Well....yeah. Stop taking the fun out if it, if you don't mind. A deeply rooted dream is being fulfilled.....and God knows I pay enough for the privilege every month.

Roger, over and out.


Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Well, it looks like I'll be making the switch to the new Blogger. They are harrassing the poo out of me. I have to log in every time I post now, and I have to log in for every single comment I make on anybody else's blog. I love the way they find these ways to make you switch. I'll do it this weekend. If my blog disappears forever, you will know that it was finally eaten by the Corporate Machine.

I spotted another Corporate Machine victim today on the way to the bank. There is a place at the local KMart you can go to get your taxes done (AS IF!) and its called Liberty Tax. Somewhere along the line, they decided that it would be really cute advertising to hire people and make them stand at the intersection of an extremely busy road in a Statue of Liberty costume:

Except that the model in this picture looks like a model. These people that stand at the intersection.....wow. The other day there was a woman in her 60's in the Liberty costume, dancing and doing the twist on the street corner. Today they had a 400 lb. black man squeezed into the Liberty costume.....in 20 degree weather!!! He kept pointing to us all at the intersection, kind of a "you go, dawg!" type gesture.

Why does Liberty Tax think I would choose them to do my taxes based upon how badly they abuse and exploit employees? How would you go about making a complaint about something like that? Or should I just lighten up?

Finally, I would like to post Bam Margera's wedding pic from this past weekend:

Why am I doing this? Simply because I have gotten hundreds of hits off of a prior picture of Bam that I posted a year or so ago.....this is pure and simple blogwhoredom in its most concentrated form, and I'm okay with that. You know people are going to love clicking on a wedding pic.
Somewhere out there, Jessica Simpson is plotting to buy a voodoo doll.
Pic was totally stolen from Perez Hilton's site, but since HE probably stole it, I guess its okay?


Tuesday, February 06, 2007


The ghost that lives in my bedroom made itself known today for the first time in a very long time! I had kind of figured the ghost had moved on to bigger and better things. Its still there!

I was laying in bed, all warm and cozy, trying to convince myself to get up. About the time I decided "okay, here I go", a little voice says"awesome." Now I had been awake for at least 20 minutes, so we cannot say that I was just coming out of a dream. Trust me, I'm not going to leave my bed in the wintertime on Sunday morning until I'm downright RESTLESS. It wasn't my daugther because she was in her room, asleep, with the door closed.

I don't even want to think about what it might mean if there is no such things as ghosts. I would hope if I were going insane that the little voices in my head would be just a wee bit more interesting than just "awesome." My English teacher taught me to be more descriptive than that!


Sunday, February 04, 2007


The Raclette

My sister married a guy from the Netherlands. When he came here to live, he brought with him a thing called a Raclette. And every year, when its Super Bowl time, the Raclette comes out. Its kind of like a George Foreman without the lid and without 15 kids named George also. Its a 2 tiered grill thingie - you cook meat on the top, and in the little trays on the bottom you cook veggies. We slice potatoes, sprinkle cheese on top, put them in butter on the bottom and.....wow. I like mushrooms cooked on it, too.

But anyway, everyone stands around the Raclette and cooks their own food. Kids love it, by the way. This is apparently a common European thing and we Americans are totally missing out. It is my duty to inform all of America about the Raclette.

The Super Bowl.....who cares? All I want to see are the commercials. This is the only time ever that I ignore the actual show and then run into the living room to see the commercials.

And Prince is going to be the halftime entertainment. Prince is the hotness and he is excellent in concert. I hope he attacks his guitar as he does in concert....a lot of people are going to be very surprised. This man is much more than a dance song.


Friday, February 02, 2007


If there is one thing I have learned this week, it is that everybody wants at least one person, if not several, dead. I didn't realize ya'll were so vicious. That being said, everyone work on getting their lists in to me today and I'll try to wish them dead for you this weekend.

I AM just kidding! Or am I?

I will be making blog rounds this weekend and answering emails. There hasn't been time for anything, it seem like. That's what happens when you give Southerners a snow day during the work week. Everything just goes to hell.

I hope we get some more snow days. With actual snow next time.


Thursday, February 01, 2007


I went out and bought myself a very nice set of "professional artist" colored drawing pencils for an art project I am doing. $14.00 they were. There's 24 of them in the box. It states that the lead is harder than in most other colored pencils, so it doesn't break as easily under pressure. Everything seemed like it was going okay, up until the time I was ready for color.

I opened up the box and none of the pencils were sharpened. It was just a pencil. Isn't this the kind of information they should include on the front of the box? I had to take them all out of the box and sit at the electric pencil sharpener and grind 24 pencils. And I'm lucky! What about all those other people that don't have an electric pencil sharpener? If I had to sit there and sharpen 24 pencils with the My Little Pony manual sharpener that I own, I would have been one extremely pissed off person.

Come on. You're making a quality pencil. You're charging out the ass for it. Surely you can go ahead and install a sharpening unit on the pencil conveyor belt line. SHEESH!