I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006


Spotted today in traffic: a young girl, probably mid-twenties, driving a small truck with the following bumper stickers:

And Why Am I In This Hand Basket?

Look Busy

Now maybe its just me....but I'd say this young lady might be experiencing a period of religious upheaval in her life. I hope she finds the answers she's looking for. I sure haven't.

I've been accused of everything from puritan do-goodism to outright devil worship....neither of which is true. I'm definitely somewhere in-between. I've read the Bible twice and the I Ching once....and planning to read the I Ching again this year. I've read books on Christianity, Catholicism, Judaism, Buddhism and all kinds of Occult/New Age/Pagan type stuff. In fact, I think I've read too much because while I feel very spiritual....my personal beliefs tend to be a mish-mash of all of this stuff. I feel like a little kid who doesn't know his own mind when religious issues come up.....which is not a good way to be in the Southern Baptist South. I don't exclude anything as being a possibility.

I worry though. I can hear my Grandmother right now...."If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything" or something along those lines. What's going to happen to my soul if I never commit heart and soul to one religion? I have this dark image of dying and my soul being ripped apart by the different "Gods"....everybody is going to want a piece and I'll never be whole again.

One thing I feel for sure though. There is a Great Creator. I look around me at the beauty of the Earth and the beauty of the people and animals, the beauty of the sky above me, and I know in my heart there is a God....whoever He might be....even if He is more than one. But He exists, I feel certain.

Monday, February 27, 2006


So how did the Bitchard Corvette fiasco end?

Well, it turns out that he hadn't told his grandmother about purchasing the car....probably because he knew she would try to talk him out of buying a car that was made back when she was still ovulating. (Bwahaha) Of course, once the car broke down she found out and reacted as any grandmother who was pissed with their grandchild would react....she is buying him a new engine, of course.

'Nuff said about all that.

The following is a transcription of an actual telephone conversation between Sparkle and I. She had gone to her friend Heather's house after school and I was getting ready to come pick her up:

Here is Heather with her boyfriend Jason and Sparkle.

ME: Okay, I'm wrapping things up now and I'll be on my way shortly.
SPARKLE: Mom, can we stop somewhere and get something to eat?
ME: Yeah, what did you have in mind?
SPARKLE: I really want some chicken nuggets.
ME: Well, where do you want to get them? We'll be coming by Chick-Fil-A or Wendy's.
SPARKLE: Wendy's!
ME (A little surprised): Are you sure? You usually want the Chick-Fil-A nuggets.
SPARKLE: I like Wendy's the best because Chick-Fil-A uses real chicken and I like the way the fake chicken tastes best.
ME: Okaaaaaaay.......

And she was totally serious! Can anyone out there fill me in on this "fake chicken" phenomenon? And be gentle with me, because I'm really afraid of what I might find out.

Friday, February 24, 2006


The Following Is A Public Service Announcement For The Younguns that read my blog:

Once upon a time there was a boy named Bitchard. First Bitchard decides to get a full-time job. Then Bitchard decides he needs a car. So Bitchard goes out to get a car and what does he buy? A nice slightly-used Honda? A plain but reliable Toyota? NOPE. He buys a 1977 Corvette.

Bitchard bought his car on Wednesday. By Thursday it is broken down and needs a new motor. A. New. Motor. For a 30 year old sports car.

Bottom Line: you cannot buy a 30 year old car to be your prime transportation unless you are rich. There is a very good reason why most of the people in awesome sports cars are all old men....they saved their whole lifetimes to be able to have a "toy" like that.....and they are prepared to spoon-feed an old relic all the $100 bills it can eat.

I hate it for him....its a really tough lesson to watch a kid learn. I sure would like to give an earful of cussing out to the bastard that sold it to him....I'm sure he knew what the deal was. If there's anything I truly despise, its a disgusting Child Taker-Advantager-Ofer. Now he has a pocketful of money and Bitchard doesn't have a ride and is in some big debt for an 18 year old.

All I could tell Sparkle is....watch and learn, young lady.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


Crazy Woman's long-time arch rival, Miss Sanity, got a big fat juicy promotion. And it was a well-deserved promotion. We were all called into a meeting room and the happy announcement was made. From the moment I realized what was happening, it was like...uh oh. I kept sneaking peeks at Crazy Woman, because I knew something crazy was going to happen. After the announcement, we all burst into applause and incredibly, Crazy Woman clapped too. But within a minute's time, her face flushed a bright pink color. Pink turned to beet red. And then beet red became an alarmingly gruesome purple! Crazy Woman was literally purple with rage. And it wasn't only her face by this time....her neck was purple, her upper chest above her shirt was purple and the tops of her forearms that were visible from her 3/4 length sleeves was purple.

I'm not trying to be funny here. I was really scared! I've never seen anybody turn that color that was still alive. By now I wasn't even pretending to sneak looks, I was openly staring at her because I was convinced she was going to be needing CPR momentarily.

Finally the purple began to fade and I realized I had been holding my own breath! She stalked back to her desk and soon thereafter it was time for her to leave for the day. I caught a glimpse of her face before she left and it was a very bright pink.....by this time you could see her whole scalp was lit up bright pink under her thin (and light) hair.

Dear God, please let me always be able to find something in my own life to be thankful for and to focus on. Please never let me become so obsessed and ummm....crazy....that I turn into a big jealous Barney!!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


For those of you who are following the Sparkle and Emo Boy saga....here's a video for you. WARNING: slightly graphic. Okay, right much graphic!


In other news: something wonderful has happened to me:

I bought an Ipod. Its a 60 gig model. I wore it to get groceries on Sunday and it was kind of like being in heaven. Now I'm just trying to get all my music loaded onto it....which is no easy task, believe me! This could take a week or two. But its so worth it. I just turn it on, hit shuffle, and all my favorite tunes spin for me. Heaven I say.

This thing will allow me to put Crazy Woman on permanent "ignore". Its already doing an outstanding job .

I already know that Al Gore invented the internets, did he by chance invent the Ipod also? Thanks Al!!!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I want to thank everyone who left a comment. My interview went FABULOUSLY. Seriously, I feel confident that I have an actual chance in hell of getting the job! But get this....I had to do 5 interviews. That's F-I-V-E. For one freaking job...isn't that ridiculous? First was with Human Resources....just a preliminary interview to make sure I wasn't a serial killer or something. Then I had to interview with Great Big Daddy, Big Momma, Little Momma, and last of all a peer. Holy crap, is this for a job at Conglomo or the F.B.I.? And its the kind of interviewing where they give an example of a work situation and you have to tell them a story about when you faced such a situation in your work and how you dealt with it. Fortunately for me, I'm a first class storyteller....and boy I really spun a few yarns during those interviews today. Trust me, you need serious SKILLZ to get someone on the edge of their seat when the story is about Conglomo work.

So I came away feeling pretty good about everything....if I don't get the job at least I should get an "A" for creativity. But oh man....was I ever TIRED! I was going to work overtime, but by the time I got back to my cubicle it was like....dude, I'm outta here. All that stressed outedness in one day....it was too much. I came home and indulged in a bit of stress-relief binge eating.....macaroni and cheese and a Pepsi! My empty calorie quota has been blown out of the water...but it sure was satisfying. Now I'm going to curl up with my book until my eyes won't stay open any more....which is probably going to be around 8:00 at the rate things are going.

They said I should know something about this job by next week. YEE HAW!

Monday, February 20, 2006


Here it is....Sunday night....and I don't have one darn thing written for this week. Its starting to look like a "Posting-cutesy-pictures-and-lots-quizzes" week.

I have my interview tomorrow (Monday) for the promotion. I went out and bought a new outfit so at least I'll feel special. Working a new outfit is always good therapy for the soul when its under stress. I'm not really worried though....everything at Conglomo moves at a snail's pace....its going to take forever to find out if I even get the job. May as well relax and be myself. With better hair than usual.

I've decided I am going to go for the promotion, even though it isn't working from home. If I don't get the job...working from home is still an option. One thing I didn't make clear is that the home job is still for Conglomo....they'll send tech people out to set me up as far as the computer and all...no pesky software to buy! Working from home sounds so great though....what I wouldn't have given for this offer to have happened when Sparkle was little. And something about turning out quality work while hanging around in my pajamas totally appeals to me.

But then I start thinking....I may never get dressed again! I could just invest in high quality pajamas and become like Kurt Cobain....just wear my pajamas all the time.

Here's Kurt modeling a red silky PJ top.

Friday, February 17, 2006


Just in case you were wondering what kids really do in the privacy of their rooms:

And the next time I am feeling down and complaining about life, will you please remind me about this blog entry?

- I got approved to refinance my house! YAY! No more freakouts because good ol' Alan Greenspan upped the interest rates!
- I got an interview for a nice promotion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I've gotten two solid offers for new positions that AREN'T promotions....however, one involves....ahem....working from home! Decisions, decisions!
- I won 8 free oil changes! That's two years worth of oil changes, bitches!

So good things are happening.

And the big question of the day is:
More money or work from home? Give your valued opinion today!!!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


I've been sick since last Tuesday. I was working late Tuesday night and helping someone with questions, when I suddenly felt my sinuses expand like a balloon in my head. Once fully expanded, they started to pound to the beating of my heart. In short order came the raw throat, the annoying cough, the aches and fever. I spent all day Wednesday at work coughing and sneezing mightily, scared to death I was going to bust a sinus bag or even PEE if I sneezed too hard! I could tell I was driving Crazy Woman to new heights of craziness....and noboby else was real pleased with me either. I finally gave up on Thursday and stayed home. And Friday. And Monday. I've seriously been in bed most of this whole time, arising to only sit at the computer for short intervals. The cold began moving from my sinuses into my lungs over the weekend, so now I'm on an antibiotic.

Ever since I got pneumonia once about 10 years ago, I can't get a cold without it heading straight for the lungs. Whatever fatal disease I end up getting in the future....even if its just "old age"....I already know pneumonia is going to be what kills me. In other words, I am going to die a slow drowning death in a sea of my own snot and boogers....gasping for air, turning Carolina Blue like some kind of TARHEEL FAN or something.

Boo! Hiss!

I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. Sorry for that psychotic outburst.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Oh, Happy Valentine's Day, dammit.

If Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday, then Valentine's Day is at the other end of the spectrum.
Its kind of like being Jewish on Easter morning.
Its a lot like being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous on New Year's Eve.
Its like being an Iraqi Muslim stranded in America on the 4th of July.
Its like being a hopeless drop-out on the first day of school.

NOT EVERYONE IS IN LOVE! Some of us don't even LIKE people! Any people!

So just go ahead and sniff your smelly roses, eat your artery-clogging truffles and squeeze your silly little stuffed animals. Go ahead and trade slimy saliva bacteria with your significant other. You're all going to end up with hay fever, cold sores....and PREGNANT! So there.

Mandy from Cartoon Network knows the score:

Monday, February 13, 2006



Do you look like this:

Or resemble something like this:

Or even this:

If so, you are totally eligible to be my daughter's next boyfriend! She has decided that she is in love with this particular look.
Personality: Not necessary!
Character: Not important!
Black hair parted on the side and some mascara: Mandatory!

Not sure if you qualify? Here's a handy chart you can compare yourself with!

Sheesh! Back in my day we were just happy to meet a decent guy. Nowadays girls just pick guys by whatever look they define themselves with.

The look is called Emo. Personally, I have a feeling most of the guys might be gay. If Sparkle is falling for gay guys, she came by this trait honestly. I have a long history of falling hard for gay guys. They are beautiful, funny and ten times more interesting than your average beer-guzzling dope-smoking deer hunter .....and all of that is fine unless you actually think a gay guy is going to be your boyfriend. Maybe Sparkle and I should have a talk?

And check this out....a comic book called Emo Boy. I'm totally going over to Ebay and see if I can get one of these for Sparkle's birthday:

Oh yeah.....and if you are an Emo Boy and want to date Sparkle, you're going to have to get past Bitchard first. This is the 12th time they've gotten back together. And when they break up again its going to be the 13th time they've broken up and then when they get back together again it will be their 13th time getting back together....please save me, Emo Boy! Wherever you are!!!

Friday, February 10, 2006


There once was a time when video games were really starting to catch on but I don' t think the Atari was on the scene yet. And every day after school you could come home, catch a snack and turn the channel to TV POW! It was basically a cartoon show that got cranked up about 3:00 p.m. and would last until like 5:30 p.m....it was a Latch-Key Kid extravaganza....and it had all the standards....lot's o' Tom and Jerry, Pop-Eye and Bugs Bunny. They would sometimes show the really old cartoons too, where all the characters had those big black eyes, the same goofy smiles and they always bounced up and down while standing. Even the sun and flowers had little smiley faces. And the characters either talked really mean or like they were huffing helium.

But in between the cartoons and the commercials, they would play TV Pow! What would happen is a kid would call in and be accepted to play. Then the show would go live and it was time to play! And basically they would show this video game screen (and remember, this was before Pac-Man) and it was a crude baseball diamond. And the ball would pitch....and the kid would have to yell "POW!" over the telephone, which would activate the little bat to hit the ball. If you hit all of them, you won some kind of prize, I can't remember what.

Whaddaya mean, that's lame? Is was live action video gaming, by God. Over the telephone, on live TV! And you got several hours of cartoons to boot! And old cartoons that they never showed anymore and haven't shown since! The really fun parts would happen when you get some boisterous Type-A kid on there and when it was time to play he'd immediately start screaming "POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW-POW!" and the little bat would be going crazy and they'd have to stop and get the kid calmed down. Or the Type-B kid who would forget what she was even on the phone for to begin with.

But the best day of all was when they got some kid on there who had an alarming Southern accent, even by Southern standards. He was about as energetic as Eeyore the mule and every time he said "POW!" it came out sounding something like "PAI-YULL!" Well, this was more than the game sensor could handle and the word "PAI-YULL!" would not activate the bat to swing. So the host tries to get the kid to yell louder....."PAI-YULL! PAI-YULL!" I swear, my sister and I were laughing so hard we were having to prop each other up. The game sensor would simply NOT react to one word being stretched out to what amounted to two words. So then the host tries to teach the kid to say it right.
HOST: Say POW! Billy.
My sides were splitting and my vision was starting to go black. I can't even remember how the whole sorry thing ended....I think they gave him a prize anyway.

Sometimes even now...all these years later....my sister or I will look at each other and simply said "PAI-YULL" and collapse into fits of laughter. Good times.

Thursday, February 09, 2006


Guess what I watched this weekend? A full dose of Court TV! Here is a list I made up which I have named:

1. You consider facial reconstruction using a victim's skull to be the ultimate form of art.

Here is King Tut's facial reconstruction. The poor guy could have used a little bit of Chapstick.

2. You just know if you served on a serial murderer's jury, you would never be as idiotic as the jurors on the (insert case name) trial.
3. Dating makes you extremely nervous, as there are all those con men out there who prey on naive divorcees.
4. You realize that if you ever did kill someone, you'd probably never get away with it.
5. You know what a mass spectrometer is.
6. You can identify human hair vs. animal hair under the microscope.
7. Your ultimate female role model is Dayle Hinman.

If Dayle can't solve it, it ain't gettin' solved.

8. You are incredulous that many forensic labs from the 1960's and 1970's didn't refrigerate tissue samples.
9. When studying history, your first thought is "Too bad no one extracted some DNA"
10. Turned loose in a lab, you could probably produce a valid DNA profile on someone.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


Has anyone ever heard of this? And is it a Southern thang or a black thang or what?

I heard two black women talking together at the vending machines. One asked the other for a "case quarter". And she gave the other lady a quarter.

What is a case quarter?....well, obviously its a quarter but I've never heard that phrase in my life.

I could just hear Kevin Federline saying to Britney...."yo Brit, gimme a case quarter. And put the kid back in the carseat."

Britney: Not the brightest porch light on the block.
Stole this photo from DListed

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


I don't know what it was about today but as soon as Crazy Woman clocked out, it was more fun than we've had in a long time. It just seemed like everyone was joking with each other, being gay (not THAT kind of gay), and lots o' laughter. Then one of the guys in the department printed off pictures of several of us, taped them to popsicle sticks and performed an impromptu puppet show over the top of the cubicle.

For a minute I thought I was in love with him. Its not every day that you come across someone who so perfectly reflects back to you a level of stupidity previously known to exist only in yourself. I had a sudden flash of how it could be....him and me, together. Cartoons every day, Spaghettios for dinner every night and contests to see who can sing the best while gargling.

Then I noticed on his computer that he was listening to "Monster Ballads".....a compilation of the cheesiest of cheese metal. And suddenly my love for him died. The End.

Everybody is giving the Rolling Stones hell for their Super Bowl performance. Come on folks, give 'em a break! Who would have ever thought we'd ever see ANYONE rocking out at 65? Its time to break the final taboo....age as a limitation.

Sparkle and I had seperate Super Bowl plans but when we were together again, the first thing she said was "Mom, the Rolling Stones were pretty good but they're SO OLD!"
Me: "I know honey. But Mick Jagger can still work a stage, can't he?"
Sparkle: "Yeah, he really can. I mean, I can kind of see why people would have liked them back in the day, kind of...I guess."
You got to hand it to the child for at least attempting to decipher her music history.

But for those old enough to remember.....is it not the ultimate delicious irony that corporate media America considers the Rolling Stones to be "safer" than Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake? How quickly they forget, eh?

Monday, February 06, 2006


And now, its time for another Queen O' The Bitches Proclamation!!!!

(Rings bell) Hear ye, hear ye!

Just because it comes in the email and it tugs at your heartstrings or it promises you free money and/or food, this does not mean it is real!


You already know all the ones I'm talking about......Bill Gates sending you money (that bitch OWES me), getting a free meal at Red Lobster or wherever, shopping sprees, cookie recipes (haven't seen that one in awhile, come to think of it), Viagra samples, WHATEVER.

Because I am sure all of you out there already know you're not going to get money for free or ANYTHING free for that matter. Right? Word.

But the following one drives me absolutely nuts. I have had this one so many times its not even funny. Here she is:

"Red", The Amber Alert Child

I am the one who nicknamed her "Red", for obvious reasons. She looks like the little girl from the Walton's....I'm pretty sure its actually her! This child has appeared in my inbox at least 35 or more times since....oh, probably 1996. Whenever I get an email and its titled "Amber Alert", I'm like...."Oh NO, not Red again!" and its always Red. They don't even bother getting a new child. According to Snopes.com, the internet urban legend buster, no one even knows who this kid really is. And if she were real, this would be longest Amber Alert in the history of mankind. Let's face it, Red probably grew up in the Midwest and is now an elementary school teacher who is pregnant and trying to buy a split-level home with her hubby. Red is NOT MISSING.

Please folks, click on the link above for Snopes.com and acquaint yourselves with internet hoaxes. The folks in your address book will thank you for it.

Friday, February 03, 2006


I love these personality thingies. I found this one on Wordnerd's site. As I don't have time to post a link, please go to my "Alternate Universe" section (scroll down on the right) and visit Wordnerd's site.

Its hard to believe someone can tag your personality in 10 unscientific questions or less but the sad but true fact is, I totally agree with this assessment!

You Are 36% Abnormal
You are at low risk for being a psychopath. It is unlikely that you have no soul.
You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess.
You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection.
You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement.
You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?
Take the test! And see ya Monday!

Thursday, February 02, 2006


I got tagged to do a meme by Mark .

Topic: Name a food item that you've eaten, prepared 3 different ways. List them, and explain your favorite.


1. Take a big fat ol' chunk of salmon, cut that bad boy in half so its not quite as thick and plop it on the George Foreman. Lower the lid and ssssssssssssssssssss. (winter recipe)

2. Make a little pouch of tin foil. Throw that big ol' salmon chunk in the pouch, add some lemon juice, a smidge of water, pepper, some butter....seal that bad boy up and throw it on the grill. (summer recipe)

You will find this dish more appetizing if you don't leave the salmon's head on there. Eww.

3. Take a big ol' salmon chunk and cut it up. Mix it up with flour, bread crumbs, eggs, pepper, and a little Worchestershire sauce. Throw it in the frying pan, spooning it into little cake-size portions. (the one I hardly ever make recipe)

How can I explain my favorite? Obviously each has its own merits, depending on the season. Oh man, a big ol' hunk of George Foremanized salmon in the dead of winter...its my favorite. And then that gets me to thinking about eating tin foiled salmon in the summer with a frosty beverage of the adult persuasion....pure heaven, its definitely my favorite. And then that starts me to thinking about making tasty salmon cakes...my grandmother and I used to make them together....I guess I would say that's my favorite!

After all that fantastic eating, you'll want to go back to the Slim-Fast and Honey Bun diet as soon as possible.