I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Monday, February 28, 2005


If you ever get depressed and feeling like everything is always changing and nothing ever stays the same, then try visiting your local classic rock radio station and its sure to perk you up. I got to feeling a little nostalgic the other day and turned the dial over to check it out. And sure enough, they were playing the same 50 songs that they were playing the last time I checked, which was about a year and a half ago. The same exact 50 songs they were playing when classic rock radio got resurrected around 1986/87. Its scary to think but there are people out there who have been listening to the same 50 classic rock songs for about 20 years now.

It happened right around 1981 I'd guess, in this area anyway. All of a sudden Mick, Neil and Bob disappeared and all you could find was Loverboy, the Go Go's and Flock of Seagulls. You couldn't find the old tunes anywhere on the dial. I figured....oh well, ya gotta roll with the changes....but I did start trying to collect a lot of the classic stuff on album so I could hear the songs. I didn't think I'd ever hear those songs on the radio again.

It was right around 1986 when me and a bunch of my friends went on a camping trip to the mountains. We had the required boom box and the required cassettes but it didn't take us long to realize that the local radio station was having a countdown of like the 1000 greatest rock songs of all time, to last all weekend long. They were playing all those old tunes again and even though it had only been 4 or 5 years, it seemed like a lifetime since we'd heard them! We dragged that boombox everywhere we went the whole weekend, even hiking, so we could hear all the old songs again. Our only regret was having to sleep some because then we'd miss some of the countdown. We held off leaving as long as we could on Sunday so we could hear what the #1 song was going to be. Finally we had to leave, so we tuned the car radio to the station and played it till it was static. This was in the days before everything was a countdown, but I am confident in saying the #1 song was Stairway to Heaven....isn't almost always?

Well, it wasn't long before Classic Rock was back. We had a whole radio station devoted to it. It was like an old friend had returned but.....there was a difference. This station played the same 50 classic rock songs, over and over and over again. They were no better than the pop station in that regard! Led Zeppelin had scores of good songs besides just "Whole Lotta Love" and "Immigrant Song". There is soooo much more to Fleetwood Mac than just "Rumours". You're only scraping the top of the Jimi Hendrix barrel with "All Along the Watchtower" and "Purple Haze". But that's how it is and apparently that is how its going to stay. Its been that way for almost 20 years now.

Well it didnt take me too long to get really sick and tired of that. I actually reached a point where I wasn't listening to music anymore....and that didn't feel right at all. I had become one of those people that felt that all the good stuff had already been done. Fortunately, I soon discovered a metal station broadcasting from NC State University (not Poison or Winger-type metal) and discovered the college rock station broadcasting from Duke and life became meaningful again.

This is why I don't list too many classic rock bands on my "Cosmic Sounds" list. I listened to all that stuff and loved it most dearly and it influenced me heavily.....but I just don't listen to it much anymore. I haven't tried to replace too much classic rock to CD....most of it is albums preserved in wrap and packed away neatly in form-fitting boxes. I just want to keep moving on and finding new stuff.

Do you think I'll ever stop? Or am I going to be some kind of jamming Granny or something? I am starting to find myself not wanting to go to the shows as much anymore.....sometimes Sparkle wants to go see someone and sometimes she doesn't . All my friends stopped going to shows (and caring about music) 10 years ago, and they all act like they are going to die if they miss out on 2 hours of sleep on a weeknight. I despise going by myself. So maybe that will be winding down soon unless I find a local music buddy. I should advertise.

Sunday, February 27, 2005


Tuesday's coming. The big day for new CD releases in the US. And I'm torn. I don't know what to do. Should I go get it? Should I?

I've heard bad things. I've heard some good things. I don't have money to waste on a piece of crap. The common sense thing to do would be to just wait and see what the thing sounds like. However, as most of you know, I am very impulsive and I don't have the patience to wait around and see. Not only that, but I live to be the first person on my block to be in the know about the latest music. Not that anybody on my block cares, but whatever. North Carolina isn't really a Mars Volta kind of place, either. In fact, the only people I know who even like The Mars Volta are from the internet, but that's totally besides the point. I've had plenty of time to prepare myself for if this thing is god-awful. Its not like back in the days of my youth, when the Rolling Stones released "Some Girls" and the devastating shock we had of purchasing "Emotional Rescue" after that. All of us needed emotional rescuing after that one. Holy shit. And the Stones never recovered from that either. So....whaddaya think....should I go get The Mars Volta release on Tuesday or what?

[This is what I am scared will happen. I can't take total credit for this cartoon either. Its based on one I saw when I was a kid. I have no idea where I saw it, when I saw it or who drew it....but to whoever you are, this is the best props I can give you. ]

Here's something I'm really enjoying a lot:

The band is called.....And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead......quite a mouthful, eh? They will be hereafter referred to as Trail of Dead. Their new record is called Worlds Apart. Now I don't listen to a lot of classic rock anymore and its always hard for me to predict if a "classic rock" person would get into something that's new....but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that all you classic rock people who hate alternative music...you might actually like this one. When it starts out its kind of.....uh huh, uh huh....but by about the 4th or 5th song you start to realize you're just drifting from one song into the next and everything's kind of spacey and this is all a good thing. If you go out and buy it and then you hate it, please email me and I'll send you some sort of consolation prize. But I really think you would like it. If those of you that have already heard it think I'm all wrong, please let me know.

Saturday, February 26, 2005
DVDs Galore


DVDs! DVDs! I got DVDs! I found a wonderful sale of used DVDs at my favorite haunt, Offbeat Music a few days ago. Here's what all I got.

"SPIRITED AWAY" Sparkle and I rented this movie a couple years back when she was younger and we both fell in love with it. This is an excellent movie and I highly recommend it even to adults that don't have children around. Its a great imagination stretcher. We curled up again tonight to watch it and loved it once more.
"BLOW" I added to my Johnny Depp collection! This is an excellent movie where Johnny Depp deals and does more cocaine than even Bill Gates could think about buying.

"FROM HELL" Do you see a trend here? I certainly do. Someone gave me this DVD for Christmas one year but it got stolen when the house was broken into awhile back. Now I have it again! I've already told you guys one of the things I like is trying to solve the Jack the Ripper murders (which cannot be done, but whatever). When I saw a movie was coming out about Jack the Ripper starring Johnny Depp, it was like all the planets aligned. My favorite person starring in a movie about one of my favorite hobbies. I began at that moment to realize there truly is a purpose to all in the cosmos.

"THE LEGEND OF SLEEPY HOLLOW" Alright dammit, this isn't funny, this is something that makes me very happy! You should feel HAPPY FOR ME. Instead of laughing you should be concerned about why someone would have unloaded all their Johnny Depp DVDs at Offbeat Music. Obviously someone out there is suicidal.....you should be praying for them instead! I love this movie....Christina Ricci and JD have great chemistry onscreen....if you ever get a chance to see the movie "The Man Who Cried" (in which JD played a somewhat minimal role) you will see once again the chemistry they have.

And so you won't think I have gone completely over the edge for Johnny Depp, I got this too:

"Get up, get get get down..
911 is a joke in your town...."

Now I can watch it and snicker even when I'm 99 years old.
I love this show! And I've never seen all the episodes so this should be a hoot.

And that's all I purchased for an unbelievably low price. I'm telling you, Offbeat is the place to be in this town. There have been other great stores in this town in the past....but they are all gone now. Offbeat now carries the "cool store" flag.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


I had to make a quick run to Petsfart tonight before closing time so I could purchase some emergency nautilus equipment for my hamster, who by the way has a real name now. His name is Happy. Happy Happy Hamster a.k.a. "Triple H". The little exercise wheel that came with Triple H's cage wasn't working too well, so I took it out until I could go get another one. Well, this made Happy extremely UNHappy. I wish I could get that depressed over no exercise! Who knew they were such sensitive little buddies? He burrowed into his house and wouldn't come out. So off to the store I ran, where I discovered that there has been a Hamster Wheel Revolution since I last paid attention. They have all kinds of space age hamster wheels now that make absolutely no noise at all. They're rather attractive wheels too. Gone are the days of the steel creaky hamster wheel, like the one pictured above. By the way, that's not one of our hamsters in the picture....neither of them would come out of their houses for a pic tonight.

I took a nap this afternoon and when I woke up the TV was on Nickelodeon. There was a show coming on I'd never seen before called "My Dad the Rock Star". Well all it took was a look at the lead character to figure out whose brainchild this was.....Gene Simmons from Kiss. And oh God, it was so terrible. You can probably figure out the plot....kids, rock star dad, veiled kid-friendly references to a wild and crazy past that little kids are not going to understand anyway. *sigh* When we all die and make it up to Heaven, you can rest assured our lives are going to be great.....but Gene Simmons is still going to be trying to find a way to make a buck off his life story and Snoop Dogg will still be pimping everything from AOL to corn flakes.

I had to have some blood drawn today....no problem. They put a Band Aid on after they drew the blood and all was well. Later on I went to take the Band Aid off. This particular brand of Band Aids must have tiny suction cups on them or something, because that thing was STUCK on my arm. I tried tugging on it gently to no avail. I decided to just suck it up and rip it off like all the brave people do and be done with it. I did it and ripped a huge amount of skin off my arm. It wasn't a pretty sight and still isn't. They should just use these Band Aids to get blood instead of needles. So add ripping Band Aids off to the list of things I will never, ever do again. The list just keeps getting longer.

UPDATE: Happy Bud has found his wheel. All is well on Planet Brenda tonight.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Sparkle was on the phone tonight with a friend, some boy from school. He has to get off the phone.
BOY: Okay, I gotta go now.
BOY: Okay, love you, bye.
SPARKLE: Uh, I.....um......

She got off the phone and had the darnedest look on her face. "Mom, he said it like it was just the most natural thing in the world!" I told her that he probably didn't even realize he said it and not to get too bent out of shape over it, but that if he DOES realize it he's at home right now having a major adolescent conniption stroke, so just don't mention it to him. I've answered the phone before when I was dead asleep and would automatically say "Conglomo! This is Brenda, how can I help you?" except it sounded more like "Glaucoma! Thish Brenna, howcunna hepya?" Its just like being on autopilot with no brain to back it up.

Here is the book I am reading right now, it was totally NOT in my stack of things to read, but was instead an impulse drug store purchase. Its a collection of short stories that were the best of the best in some kind of internet short story contest. They received about a hundred thousand entries more than they thought they would. Everybody wants to be a writer. I am jealous of good fiction writers. I can't do it. I can come up with some freaky stuff but I don't feel like wasting time with character development or plot thickeningers. I love making up my own words though. But I don't feel too bad about it....if you can't write well there's always blogging!

Here's an interesting article:
Apparently the Bush administration is ignoring proven scientific data that doesn't meet the Bush Agenda. While I totally believe this article, it is a bit vague. The example given is fossil fuel and global warming....I totally believe all that. What the article doesn't tell me is exactly what IS the Bush Agenda, concerning science or anything thing else, for that matter? Does anyone out there know? Anyone? Hello? Hell-ooooo out there!

*crickets chirping*

Here's the Bush Agenda for the crickets:

They call it Jing Kung but them's crickets, baby! Preserved in a fine golden blend of spices and just waiting for your next party or barbeque!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


I got to work today and I couldn't believe it. The dude from The Fine Young Cannibals is working at Conglomo now.

You remember he used to sing that song "She Drives Me Crazy" (Ooh ooh!) ? Well, its him, I swear its him. I saw him with the other new employees walking around this morning. I guess the music business didn't work out? I am dead on this and will get the story as soon as possible.

In other news, celebrities were dropping like flies this weekend. First we hear Sandra Dee died. Now she was before my time, all I know about her is Stockard (Stockyard) Channing sang a song about her in Grease. Then a couple of hours later it was John Raitt, who I'd never heard of either but he was Bonnie's dad and of course I know about Bonnie. Then Hunter S. Thompson commits suicide. Now that bummed me out. I can remember when I first started subscribing to Rolling Stone as a teenager and trying to desperately understand what he was writing about. It got a little easier as I got older. This is terrible to say, but I bet Hunter S. Thompson left one hell of a suicide note. I hope so and I hope they publish it. I have a feeling it will contain things we all need to hear.

Stockyard Channing. No, she didn't pass away this weekend, I'm just dying for the chance to call her Stockyard again.

I would like to thank my fellow sloths who made me feel a little bit better for being such a lazy ass this weekend. I'm determined that somehow I am going to get caught up. I have set goals for every day to accomplish. Every goal for every day is do-able, I just have to do it. So far I am on track. My main goal for today was to scale Mt. Laundry....and I conquered. I am totally behind on reading blogs, emails, whatever. If you sent me something and I haven't replied, just know its because I'm hopelessly behind and may never catch up.

In fact, I was trying to find out if there is any way possible that all blogging could cease until I get it together? Can everybody just stay home and watch movies and put off the blogging for awhile? Thank you, thank you very much.

Monday, February 21, 2005


Have you ever had one of those weekends where your aspirations were so high as to what you were going to accomplish but it ends up that you get next to nothing done? Why should I do housework when I can crawl on the couch and take a nap? Why should I do laundry when I can catch another chapter in my book?

I'm trying not to beat myself up too much here but I pretty much blew an entire weekend. Any diversion, any excuse was good enough. I try to justify it. You know, like when I'm dead and gone do you really think anyone is going pause and reflect..."Yeah, that Brenda Love, she was a nice person and damn she kept an awesomely clean house"? Probably not, but that's no excuse to slack.

Now here it is Sunday night and I'm no better off than I was on Friday night. All I've gained is an extra hamster. I have no time to blog and especially no time to mess with pictures. All you get is another Grade F post. And the fault is mine, mine, MINE!

I promise to shape up.

Sunday, February 20, 2005


No update today. I have GOT to do Part II of the spring cleaning. Later!

Saturday, February 19, 2005


First of all, I want to thank everyone who took time to say nice things to strengthen my confidence, to make me feel better, to make me laugh and just generally be a friend. You are appreciated more than you know. Because of you and your encouragement, I've decided to put all this boo-hooing shit behind me and let my inner Hard-Ass take control. Becoming a Hard-Ass is going to require a lot of changes on my part but I'm ready for the challenge....I've already done some of the necessary shopping:

I'm well on my way to being a real She-Woman. I'll kick your ass for no reason. I don't have to worry about my annoyingly tender heart anymore because it already melted today anyway. It all started after work. I went to the pet store to stock up on cat food for the next three months. I also needed some fish food and some treats for Little Bud. I was maneuvering the cart around and spotted this:

Yay! Exactly what I've been saying I need! I thumbed through it for a little bit and then I decided to go take a look at the pet store hamsters. There were so many of them and they were so cute! One of them in particular kept wiggling his little hamster whiskers at me. And then, things got really weird. It was like everything went kind of blank and some Other Brenda took over. When I regained consciousness, I was back at home and....ummm......well.....allow me to introduce you to someone:

He doesn't have a name yet. Little Bud II? Actually he should be called Mighty Bud because he's bigger than Little Bud. I know, I know, stop yelling at me! I couldn't help it, he was so cute and he was wiggling his nose at me and I just couldn't help myself! Bud With No Name Yet is a regular, short-haired all-American run-of-the-mill domestic hamster. Little Bud is a Russian Dwarf hamster, so he is a lot smaller. BWNNY scores a Cuteness Rating of 10. Little Bud, as you already know, is a 10 also. Stop yelling at me, yes I know I have an impulsiveness problem!! I blacked out, okay? I didn't know what I was doing. Yes, I realize my house is the size of a large shoebox and that I really don't have room for another hamster. But BWNNY needed a home and he was asking real sweet to come home with me so who am I to say no?

He loves his new water bottle. Look at his little pink nose!

The cats, of course, are just beside themselves with joy:

I'm keeping the new hamster. If Sparkle can have her own hamster then I can have one too! Its not fair, I got a good yearly review at work so I can buy something I want. So can I keep him....pleeeeeaase, pleeeeease? Pretty please with sugar on top? You know I just love animals.

Out of all the doom and gloom that went on yesterday, one good thing happened. I got the chance to meet someone in person who actually reads my blog! He sometimes posts in the comments as "Sponge" and it was kind of like meeting a long lost member of the family. Sometimes you feel like you already know someone when you haven't even met them yet. The internet is truly a glorious invention. I can't believe how many truly cool people I've been able to meet, online and in real life . After Sponge left everyone was like "who was that? Who was that?" and I was like...."its one of my FANS, thank you very much." LOL!

Just think, if he ever decided to start writing his own blog, he could call it.......

Friday, February 18, 2005


If you are in the mood for a good laugh, please go check out Greg's post at

He did a post about Little Bud and it made me laugh. It is unbearably cute. Thanks Greg!



Well, I've had the worst day in recent memory. I was so upset I felt like I was drowning, I gave a call out for some positive vibes and I thank everyone that sent some good vibes my way. I sure did need them. It helped me to think there were friends out there thinking of me. So what happened?

I was getting my stuff together to leave work on Wednesday afternoon when "Annie" asked me would I take some stuff to be mailed for her. I had errands I had to do and I was kind of surprised that she just asked me out of the blue like that but honestly, I don't mind helping folks out when I can and I consider Annie a good friend. So sure, I told her I would mail them off for her. She had 2 pieces of regular mail and 3 priority mail envelopes. I saw the regular mail and I was like "oh, I have some stamps" and I GAVE her those. She gave me $15.00 to handle the shipping costs of the priority mail. Cool. So I leave work and drive up the hill to the Pak Mail place, which is a privately-owned mail company. I give the guy the regular mail to send off and he weighs the priority mail and informs me its going to be $18.00. Well, whatever, no problem. I give him the $15.00, get out $3.00 of my own and made sure I got a receipt.

This morning when I got to work the first thing she asked me was if I got her stuff mailed off. I told her yes I did, that it was a little more than what she had given me and gave her the receipt. And she freaks out! There is NO WAY it cost that much, she said, I must have bought some other stuff of my own. HUH? No, I told her, I would never do something like that....all she needed to do was look at the receipt and she would see. Well there was NO WAY that was right, she was going to get on the phone and call them RIGHT NOW. I was upset by then and I told her OK, do that, get on the phone and call Pak Mail and verify it. She says "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, PAK MAIL? I ASKED YOU TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE!" I told her no, I didn't go to the post office, I went to the closest place to mail it because I HAD ERRANDS TO RUN AFTER WORK AND THINGS I NEEDED TO DO. Pak Mail had charged almost double what it would have been at the post office and she was beyond hot. I was very hurt over the way she was treating me and I couldn't believe she had the gall to even be mad in the first place. SHE asked ME to run an errand for her.....I wasn't going to go to the post office and stand in line for 30 minutes!!!!! Hell, I don't even go to the post office myself for ANYTHING. The thought of going to the real post office never even crossed my mind. I have always thought the world of Annie and I couldn't believe she was going off on me like that. Apparently my friendship didn't mean too much to her, though, if she was willing to throw it away over $3.00. Oh sure, we'll probably move beyond this and speak civilly again and I will forgive, but I can't ever forget it. Any exchanges we have from here on out will never be 100% sincere on my part. I mean, she practically accused me of stealing. Nothing can cause irreversible damage to a friendship like a good ol' thievery accusation.

So why didn't I just tell her to fuck off and go on about my self-righteous way? Because I was more upset than anything and already in mourning. When you get to be my age you begin to realize that good friends don't just grow on trees. Losing a friend just KILLS me now, I don't care whose fault it is or whatever. I've lost so many people and losing a friend....I'm one friend short from when I woke up this morning. Sometimes I think its worth it just to let people say anything they want to me and run all over me if they want to, just to keep the peace. Because when Brenda stands up for herself, Brenda is always the one who loses.

Imagine the world's most saddest and self-pitying music playing. WAAAAAAH.

Then when I get home I catch it from Sparkle. She's upset because I'm actually *gasp* setting some boundaries, enforcing a few rules and daring to act like most parents do. The nerve! Any other day it wouldn't be so bad because I realize she's just in spoiled brat mode and I would just laugh it off.....but tonight she says basically "[If I don't get my way], then I'm not going to love you anymore." I told her that if that was the way she felt, then she must not have ever loved me in the first place. Saying that got the waterworks cranked up and now I'm having trouble getting back under control. I keep busting into tears, getting okay, then busting into tears again. This whole day is shot. I just need to go to bed and start anew tomorrow.

One good thing did happen today, I got to meet one of my blog readers in person....but no way I'm going to tell about it in a post with so much negativity. I'll save it for tomorrow when I can present it in the way it should be presented. But until then, I hope the fleas of a thousand camels infest the armpits of your enemies.

Thursday, February 17, 2005


Once again, I am behind on reading blogs this week. If you haven't seen my little name on your blog making smart-ass comments, please know that I'm missing you, dying to know what you've been up to and I will get caught up on reading about your adventures this weekend.

Little Bud has been living in his new home for about a month now and I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't love us. I've had hamsters before and they were always shy at first but would quickly warm up. Prior hamsters would stand at the cage door and beg to be taken out so we could play. Little Bud has made the area at the cage door his "peeing spot" to discourage us from opening the cage door. He spends all of his time either hiding out in his little house or laying on his back pretending to be asleep. When he's thirsty he crouches low to the floor and manuevers his way to the water bottle in much the same way a reconnaissance soldier makes his way across the battlefield.

Little Bud is clearly not feeling the love....and I suspect early childhood hamsteral abuse. I'm currently looking for a competent hamster psychiatrist for experimental psychoanalysis and possible drug maintenance therapy. Both of my cats have volunteered their services but I don't think they are the right ones for the job.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


I am convinced that the whole entire world revolves around me. ME! How else do you explain this:
I just blogged about this four days ago. Its not like its the most commonly discussed topic in the world. I'm convinced CNN has people scoping my blog...and when they see what I'm blogging about, they instantly send a roving reporter out to cover the topic. They read that I was worried about cooking my own lobster, so the roving reporter goes out to find scientific PROOF to make me feel better.

Whaddya mean, "Delusions of Grandeur"? So I have delusions....it certainly makes me feel better about myself.

The guy that sits next to me at work, Elroy, has about 150 million women admirers, so you know he racked up on Valentine's Day. He got roses, teddy bears, all kinds of stuff. He hands me a small box of chocolates and asks me if I would like one, so I decided I'd get one. The first thing I noticed was that the box said "Just For Him" and looked all manly-fied. I opened it up and the first thing I noticed was that every piece in there looked like it would be "a good one". There were none of those uncertain looking candies that you always get when you get a "Just For Her" box of Valentine candy. You know the ones I'm talking about....a piece of candy that looks like it would be pretty good but you bite into it and orange coconut marmalade or some such shit is in it. You instantly spit it out and throw it away. I picked a candy from Elroy's "Just For Him" box, bit in....and it was heaven. It was chocolate situated upon another kind chocolate while the gooey chocolate part just added emphasis to the esquisite taste of the other chocolates.....covered with an attractive chocoloate coating. In fact, ALL the candy in his box were "the good ones." We checked.

Why do the women get boxes of chocolates with the orange coconut marmalade, or those squishy pink insides, or....the worst horror....the light green insides? Chocolate should not be mixed with anything that could remotely be mistaken for a vegetable. Then there's the coconut. There is good coconut....kind of creamy and truly a delicacy....and then there's the bad coconut which tastes like someone cut cardboard into tiny rectangles, flavored it....and you have to chew it for several minutes before your teeth can grind it up. How can we convince the candy companies?
WOMEN WANT CHOCOLATE. We want chocolate, caramel, malted milk, truffles, especially truffles, vanilla chocolate, fudge, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate!


Tuesday, February 15, 2005


I survived my first Valentine's Day without a romantic partner in.....how many years? Who knows. But I survived and I have a fairly upbeat attitude.

I started spring cleaning this past weekend....I was inspired by Judy at http://justaskjudy.blogspot.com/ and Mac at http://www.mccrary.blogspot.com/ As I have stated before, one of my goals in life is less possessions. I've owned many things and only about 10% of them brought me any happiness. So I've been merciless in my spring cleaning...I'm getting rid of a lot of "sentimental" stuff....things like old schoolwork, old love letters, stuff that its just crazy to keep holding onto, unless they were going to open a Brenda Love Memorial Library.....and that's not going to happen. I figure if I have clothes, CDs, books and the microscope, that should be good enough. And a toothbrush, can't forget that. I have approached my spring cleaning with the mindset that I have six months left to live.....all the junk has to go.

I took Sparkle and Bitchard out to eat crab legs for Valentine's Day. Those kids are Crab Leg Crazy. It was also a celebration of sorts for me too.....its my Quit Smoking Anniversary. I have been cigarette-free for 6 years now. Quitting was the hardest thing I have ever done....but now when I smell someone who has been smoking...its like the worst thing ever. Contrary to popular belief, people don't quit smoking and get all self-righteous....they quit smoking and realize that its the most obnoxious smell in the world and they never want to breathe that crap again. That's why all the people who have quit encourage YOU to quit too. If any of you out there are reading this and are thinking about quitting smoking....you can do it. It's hard as hell but if I can do it, ANYONE can do it. I was so totally hooked on it. Plus its always a relief when New Years' rolls around and I don't have to worry about putting it on my perfection list.


Here's Sparkle and her friend Chelsea, who is not living in Durham at the moment, though we wish she would come back. We've known Chelsea forever. Her dad and Sparkle's dad were roomates way back in the day. I told them to get close together for the picture but it looks like all their boobs were getting in the way. LOL! I don't remember being so stacked when I was 14/15 years old.

Chelsea has been through a WHOLE LOT for someone her age but its admirable how she has dealt with it all and just seems to keep moving forward. She has a lot of musical talent and I know she is going to turn out to be great. She knows we are always here if she ever needs to talk or just hang out and have some peace and quiet.

Monday, February 14, 2005


Happy Valentine's Day to you! As you surf your daily blogs and websites today, I'm sure you're going to be reading all kinds of sappy-ass love stories with happy endings. So here's a pathetically true story with an even more pathetic ending.

1981 - 10th grade English class....it was just about this time of year. A New Boy comes to our school. He had dark unruly hair and the most gorgeous eyes. He was quiet as a mouse and slipped right under everyone's radar except mine. I thought he was soooo cute sitting there in the back of the room, shy and geeky but trying to be a badass at the same time; not quite succeeding. It wasn't long before I'd changed my seat to be near his.
"What's your name?"
"Where you from?"
[Don't remember what he said]
"Well, welcome to the school."
And his eyes just lit up at me, he liked me, every girl knows when the guy likes you.

Day after day in English...just talking, getting to know each other, me helping him with his schoolwork because he wouldn't do it. But he was smart, he seemed to know a lot about most everything. I was crushing on him bad. He would smile at me so sweet and those eyes....I really liked him and I was getting impatient...I just wanted to say "Dude, ASK ME OUT!" But he didn't. One day he asks me if I know where he could buy any pot. Now, I was no angel by any means but I wasn't into that stoner crowd at school....loser rednecks going nowhere. So I just said...."not really but you could probably talk to some of those guys that hang out by the buses at lunch".....and that was that.

He fell into that stoner crowd and totally changed. He acted all badass and his eyes didn't light up at me anymore. Almost overnight, it seemed like everything changed between us. I was soooo disappointed....I was really into this guy. I moved my seat back to the front of the classroom and didn't look back at him anymore. Of course, he hardly came to class anymore anyway. He was seriously flunking out.

Then about two weeks before school ended there was a major drug bust. 14 kids were arrested for possession of whatever it was they possessed. They'd all been NARCed out by an undercover cop. Guess who the undercover cop was?

Dear God, leave it my incredibly stupid ass to fall in love with the School Undercover Cop. There's no telling how old that guy really was. I had never felt so stupid in my whole life, I felt really stupid, really REALLY stupid. I guess he just sucked up to me to find out where the stoner boys hung out so he could infiltrate and arrestitize. What
was even worse is I didn't want my dad to find out how stupid I was. He was a cop too, probably knew the guy and the guy had probably put two and two together and figured out who my dad was. But iff my dad ever found out, he never said anything.

Now I'm old and time takes care of all wounds. The guy was just doing his job, that's all. And I bet he got a huge laugh out it, I would have if I had been him.