I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Saturday, December 31, 2005


I was tagged by Wordnerd to do a "Five Things You Don't Know About Me" thingie. This is really hard to do, but here goes....

1. When I stand up for too long in one place, I faint. I've been to the doctor about it before, and they just "pooh pooh" it as nothing serious. So I don't worry too much about it, but I try to avoid situations where I have to stand and stand and stand and stand....

2. I have claustrophobia and panic attacks. This is why I don't really do concerts much anymore. I tend to become very uncomfortable in places like Wal-Mart, and not just because there are so many ugly people there. I don't know why I get uncomfortable but eventually I start feeling like I can't breathe, I start to sweat.....it can get bad enough that I will gasp for air. If you want me to go to Wal-Mart with you, its cool....but get what you need and let's go. I can't stand around in the crowd while you compare prices on Roach Motels.

3. I set my bed on fire once when I was a kid. Yep. I was playing with matches because they were soooooo cool. And blowing them out and laying them on my bed. I left the room and when I came back, the bed was smoldering big time. My sister and I dragged the mattress into the back yard, just in time for it to burst into a small flame. I managed to convince my mother that because I left my glasses by the window, that the sun came through the window, through the glass and set my bed on fire.....kind of like you can do with a magnifying glass. Looking back on it...I wonder if she really bought that explanation? But anyway, I did manage to gain a few badly needed I.Q. points that day.

4. And speaking of I.Q. points, I am mathematically retarded. I was at college level English and reading when I was in 7th grade.....I was in an academically talented class in those subjects. Then the bell would ring and I would head over to math class with people who always smelled like a burning field in Columbia. And still I struggled. This is because my brain is like a Blissful Fog of Happiness and I don't seem to be capable of logical thought....as my blog proves day after day. Its gotten a little better as I've gotten older....I am able to add and subtract with minimal use of fingers. I still think the calculator is the greatest invention since sliced bread.

5. I once saved 6 peoples' lives, including my own. These were co-workers and we had gone out to lunch together. All of us were piled in one car going back to work. I was sitting beside the driver when he started having an epileptic-type seizure. He began acting very strangely and started stepping on the gas pedal really hard. I wasn't sure what was happening but I knew he was no longer in the real world, and since we were headed straight for about 20 cars, I decided to step over him to hit the brake. He became combative and I literally fought him for that brake. Finally he snapped back to reality and allowed me to drive the car back to work. He did end up receiving treatment, by the way.

Friday, December 30, 2005



You've all seen the TV commercials for "Big Tobacco" where the cigarette companies stand accused of deliberately targeting young teens with marketing ploys to hook them into becoming smokers for life. Well, of all that I have no doubt. Here's what blows everyone's mind that didn't grow up around here:

When I was in high school, we had a smoking area. A place outside where you could go in between classes or lunch and light it up. No parental permission necessary. Plenty of other stuff got lit up too....but that's another story for another day.

I'll take it one step further......one of the JUNIOR HIGH schools I went to had a smoking area. Now granted, you had to have a signed permission form from your parents....but 12 and 13-year-olds smoking at school was a reality. It really happened, I saw it with my own eyes.

And I didn't think much about it at the time....that's just how big a part of life tobacco was in this state. Nowadays it boggles the mind, actually. When did this practice of high school smoking areas get started? WHY did it get started? Well, I was told that we could smoke at school because the tobacco companies donated nice fat checks to the school systems....in exchange for the schools opening smoking areas for the students.

Is this true? I have no idea.
Do I think its possible? Does a bear shit in the woods?

This IS the (once) all-powerful King Tobacco we're talking about here.

I can't find a peep about this phenomena anywhere on the internet. The high school smoking area is now a long-dead fragment of history, at least around here. Does anyone know if this is something that still goes on in any other states?

And can I bum a smoke after math class? LOL!

Thursday, December 29, 2005


When I was a kid, we could take off for the beach and there would be nothing but tobacco, tobacco fields everywhere, with only slabs of forest to break them up. Everybody grew tobacco....and why not? There was big money to be made and plenty to go 'round for everyone.

In the summer, I would work several weeks in tobacco. When I was smaller I was a "Toter", which meant unloading the leaves from the wagon and toting them the "Handers", who sorted the leaves neatly and handed them on to the "Tyers", who tied the bunches of leaves onto big sticks. Then the big boys would climb high into the barn rafters and hang the heavy sticks to dry....rows and rows of them that filled the whole barn. Later on I graduated to being a Hander. But when you're 10 or 11 years old in the 1970's....10 bucks an hour is unbelievable amount of money. I could work for a couple of weeks and make enough money to buy my own shoes, Levis, Led Zeppelin t-shirts, school supplies, and still have enough left over for books, records and a haircut, all before school started! It took a load off my mother's shoulders, too.

Here's an old picture of some women workers. I assume they are Handers from the way they are picking up leaves. Notice the drying leaves hanging in the rafters above them.

It was the nastiest dirtiest job ever. Tobacco gum would stick all over your hands, get under your nails, and ruin your clothes. The smart girls protected their hair in kerchiefs, just like the women from 100 years ago. And the big fat nasty worms and spiders you had to deal with! And the heat and humidity! But then you got paid....and life was good again.

All that is a thing of the past. You still see tobacco fields on your way to the beach, but nothing to compare to back then. They invented machines to do most of the work, and once the farmers went in debt for the machines....everybody quit smoking. You've got to give NC a big round of applause for not only surviving the blow of losing their major cash crop, but for also continuing to basically thrive economically. Say what you will, we ain't freakin' dumb, Hoss!

Tune in tomorrow for Part 2, where I will reveal Something Spectacular. Well, its not really spectacular....but it never fails to freak out the younger crowd who can't believe such a state of being ever existed. Everybody always says "WHAAAA-AAAAATT?" But if you grew up in a Southern Tobacco State, you'll just roll your eyes and be like "SO?"

So come back tomorrow. Over and out.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Somewhere along the way I forgot to pay a cable bill, which means I also forgot to pay the internet bill, since they are one and the same. I paid the bill last week, but then today a notice shows up showing two months behind. Well I just paid one of them, so somewhere along the line there was a bill I didn't pay.

That crap makes me crazy. How do you just forget to pay a bill? And even more strange....if I didn't pay this bill.....WHERE IS IT? I haven't found any stray cable bills in the any of the usual places, like the microwave, the freezer or the DVD collection. Its always possible I could have used it as a bookmark but I think I would have remembered doing that.

I'm also going postal over the postage stamp rate hike. I realize that the post office has to raise rates....their mentally unstable employees and almost nobody uses snail mail for much of anything anymore....but fer gawd's sake....WHY RAISE THE RATE TO 39 CENTS????? Why not just go ahead and go for the even 40?? Plus it'll save them having to raise the rates again in 6 months.


Tuesday, December 27, 2005


Have you ever been in a car accident and all your muscles seize up in anticipation of the crash? And then as you slowly begin to relax again, there's this sore and achy feeling? Well, that's how I've been feeling, without the car accident. Every night around 7:00, I start feeling like a Bird Flu Victim. After I go to bed and sleep all night I feel okay until about 7:00 the next evening, which is apparently the Ebola Witching Hour.

I go back to work tomorrow. It was a short time off but it was really nice. And by the end of the week it'll be New Years' and yet another long weekend! It'll all come crashing down to Earth though, when the Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday rolls around. After that, there's no work vacations until like, Good Friday. That's a long haul, so that's when we here in the South start hoping for a
SNOW DAY!!!!!!

Sunday, December 25, 2005



Here's something I received in the mail a long time ago....I'm guessing this was around 1996:

Its an Alice in Chains Christmas tree decorated with beer cans, CDs, a rubber chicken, various stuffed animals, a condom, and other artifacts. Here's the back of it:

I used to join fanclubs back in my pre-internet days so I could get cool stuff. This definitely ranks as cool.

So Sparkle and I were arguing heavily there a week or so ago, and I was really upset and lost my will to blog. Then my will to blog came back but I decided I was sick of online anyway and took one of my trademark Internet Vacations. (This seems to happen about 3 or 4 times a year) Now I'm back and ready to blog, so watch out.

Here's what I got for Christmas:
A purse (badly needed)
umbrella (even more badly needed)
a calendar (owls).....(Johnny Depp calendars apparently not available in my town)
a whole crapload of socks and underwear
A Queens of the Stone Age DVD - yay!
A gift certificate to the mall from my sister & family - yay!
A Deerhoof CD

Sparkle's haul:
Ipod Nano (grandparents)
Jeans, shirts, socks, underwear, a nice belt....this doesn't sound like much but that's where the majority of the money went.
H.I.M. DVD and H.I.M. poster
Avenged Sevenfold CD and poster.
2 books (one about Motley Crue and the other Tommy Lee....sheesh)
Gift certificate to the mall from my sister and family.


I hope all of you get a little something you wanted! Love you and I'll be back!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Believe it or not, I think things are going to work out. I'll return to blogging just as soon as I can regain a sense of humor.

Monday, December 19, 2005




Thank you to all you people who made me feel so good about completing the work project and getting a bonus. Its amazing to me how I can have a crappy day here in the real world....and the "real people" I know don't really care about me sometimes....but my blogging world is a lot like being at home sometimes, I think the world of so many of you.

Sparkle and I have been disagreeing again....this time its so bad that she's staying with her dad for a few days. He was totally cool about it all and willing to help us out. Sometimes I wish I could send Sparkle to stay with different kinds of families for a period of time. Families where there is nothing but yelling and anger all the time. Families that exist in fear and chaos. Families where you can do what you want....because nobody cares about you or what happens to you. Or families where the only thing that matters is TOP grades...and they push the child to death to be perfect. And withold love from the child as punishment for not being perfect. You get the idea of what I'm talking about here.

I had no idea the teenage years were going to be this rough. I don't know what else to do but to place the same curse upon her as my mother cursed upon me...."I hope you grow up to have a child that's JUST LIKE YOU"......

Too bad they don't give out bonuses for getting your child raised.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


Sorry for being such an Internet Drop-out the past few days. Sparkle had a project due the other day and all of a sudden it was like I didn't have anything to blog about anyway. Well, that's not true....I'm very rarely at a loss for words, but nothing has felt very interesting....I don't feel very interesting!!!!!

My project at Conglomo ended on December 15th. The Great Wise Executive and his minions came to our little celebration and gave us heartfelt thanks. And then lo and behold...I and my team-mates were presented with an award! A MONETARY award, you guys! I was awarded with money. At Conglomo. It still takes my breath away a little bit to think about it all. I've worked on projects before and I got nice little certificats and heart-felt thanks before, but this was my first time actually getting money. We were told by the Great Wise Executive that several top-level executives' bonuses were on the line...depending on getting this work done....and that Great Wise Executive had had doubts that we would be able to complete this project because the numbers were so overwhelming. We kicked quite a bit of ass if I do say so myself!

We didn't get an unbelievable amount of award....but still, its more than we had to begin with....and its not like Conglomo was legally obligated to recognize what we had accomplished by any means. It was kind of unreal when several of the team-mates started griping to each other about the amount. But I can't worry about all that....all I know is that Christmas is going to be just a little bit merrier than I had hopes for this year. I might actually get that Holiday Lobster I've been dreaming of, Sparkle gets more clothes from Santa, and the rest goes to pad the savings account. I'm happy.

Oh, yum!

The best part is we were informed that the Great Wise Executive's branch of the company is now going to be creating several new positions, and we the team have been encouraged to apply. Supposedly these new positions will be posted in January. A promotion would be even sweeter. I'm excited about that but I am not going to get my hopes up too high even though we were encouraged. Better to be cautious and hope things just work out for the best.

Friday, December 16, 2005


Hi, no update today....Sparkle had a project last night and needed the computer again. Also, I haven't been able to catch up on reading and commenting on blogs, so I'll catch all of you this weekend.

The good news is: my Christmas shopping is almost done!!!!!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005


This morning's commute really got me into the Christmas spirit.

I was just driving along, minding my own business, when suddenly I noticed a few plastic sheep hanging around by the side of the road.

Then a little ways further down the road was a couple of camels looking at me reverently.

After that, various Wise Men showed up. One was admiring a nice pile of rocks. The other was praying over a pothole in the road....which in all fairness probably NEEDS prayer, as the City sure isn't doing a damn thing about it.

Poor Joseph was kneeling in a ditch....possibly relieving his bladder. I never spotted Mary or the other Wise Man, but one must keep their eyes on the road, after all.

Finally, came Baby Jesus. Someone had tied a rope to him and looped him over the power line, crib, halo and all. And its true what they say....when the wind blows, the cradle will rock!

Some may call it vandalism.....but it made me stop and think about all sorts of Christmasy things that may not have even crossed my mind otherwise on this fine day. So a big thank you goes out to the smart-ass teenager who was having so much fun with his neighbor's nativity last night.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


I had a blog explosion the other day. My numbers went up over 30% for no discernible reason. Usually when I have an explosion like that, there is a reason for it. I may have said something particularly naughty in the comments of D-LISTED or things might have gotten a bit snarky over at the world-famous West Virginia Surf Report, and people come to my blog to find out who the idiot is. Either that or there's been an unusual amount of horny Europeans clicking on my apparently one-of-a-kind picture of Angelina Jolie I posted months ago. I get a bunch of hits off the Angelina Jolie picture.

Here it is. Calm down, guys.

But this last spike in hits, I have no idea. I haven't done or said anything interesting in quite awhile now, so who knows? If that keeps on happening, I might actually start thinking I'm on my way to getting famous or something. Of course, blog fame is a far cry from real fame, but I wouldn't complain.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I finally gave in and stopped at the liquor store today....I want some eggnog! So I bought a small bottle of whiskey so I could mix up a few egg nogs this coming Saturday night. I'm always real uncomfortable at the liquor store....I'm not much of a drinker at all and I was raised Southern Baptist....I always feel like I'm doing something WRONG just to be in a liquor store. So you can just imagine how high I jumped as I quiltily slunk out of there with my package and I heard someone call "Brenda!"

I look over and there is this homeless guy standing there smiling at me. He's all nastified with a grungy trenchcoat and a big ol' bushy-ass growth on his chin. I was wary as I could be, but he DID say my name. I'm like "Do I know you?" and he's like "Yeah, its Bobby Badass from school!"

Well you could have just knocked me over with a feather or two. I was like "Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-Bobby?" And then.......I didn't know what to say! What have you been up to since school??? didn't quite seem like the appropriate comment under these particular circumstances. So I just said "How are you?" instead. And he grins and says "well I've been better!" Obviously.

We stood there and talked a few minutes and it was way beyond strange. Just small talk, but I was dying inside. I wanted to invite him home to take a shower but that didn't seem like a proper thing to do, either. I did ask him if he was without a home and he said yeah, that's just how things had been working out for him, that he had been having drug and alcohol problems a lot, which I thought was admirable of him to come out and admit. Finally I was getting overcome....as I tend to do....so I started making excuses to get out of there. I gave him as much money as I could stand to give him. He didn't ask but he kept staring, so I gave him my whiskey bottle too. That probably wasn't the right thing to do but it felt right, so I did it.

Somehow the thought of a few leisurely egg nogs around the kerosene heater doesn't seem very appealing anymore, anyway.

I've been involved in two situations illustrating extremes of home situations in the past four days....I feel like the Creator is trying to convey something deep and meaningful here. I might not have it great in life....yet I have it so good! Message received.

I'm also trying to figure a way to help out. Socks? Gloves? A nice backpack? Any suggestions?

Monday, December 12, 2005


Its not like I was born some kind of Pollyanna DoGood, but at a point fairly early in life I learned to be grateful for what I had. Maybe it came from watching the Walton's every week on TV? Ungrateful people never fail to blow my mind.

For example: On Friday night, I took Sparkle to her friend's house, where she had been invited to spend the night. We follow the directions and end up in a really nice neighborhood and at a great house....a fabulous and spacious slice of real estate, fairly new, of which would probably give me a heart attack if I ever had to CLEAN the thing all by myself.

This is not the actual house, but you get the idea.

So I go up to the house with Sparkle and do meet -n- greet with the mom. And one of the first things I say to her is "You have a gorgeous home!" and she just sneers at me "THIS piece of crap?"


I mean....what kind of house does she WANT?

As punishment, she should be sentenced to 20 years at the Ghetto House, with the option to redecorate using MY budget. Yeah, all of a sudden having that matching-accessory George Washington Suite doesn't seem quite as important in life, does it?


Here's your Maxine thought for the day:

Sunday, December 11, 2005


The Family Christmas Party was pretty bad. All anyone was interested in talking with me about was that I am not dating anyone right now. It was very discouraging and I couldn't wait to get home so I could cry some. My self esteem took a harsh blow tonight.

I feel extremely pressured to be something I just don't feel like I can be right now. Why can't people like me for who I am instead of for who I am to someone else?

One thing is for sure.....I am not going to anymore family functions until I meet the minimum requirements for personhood. My ego can't handle it.

Saturday, December 10, 2005


That most God-Blessed Event of the Season happens tonight....the Family Christmas Party! I cringe just thinking about it. So in honor of this most sacred of events, I am going to reprint from LAST YEAR'S Family Christmas Party blog entry....because after all....nothing ever changes where this subject is concerned.

"Tonight I face an all-too-real horror....The Family Christmas Party!


When I was young they would ask "When are you going to get a boyfriend?"
When I got a boyfriend they would ask "When are you going to get married?"
When I got married they would ask "When are ya'll going to have a baby?"
When I had a baby they would ask "When are ya'll going to have ANOTHER baby?"
Luckily, by then I'd started to wise up.

After I got divorced the cycle started all over again."Boyfriend?" "Married?" Well the pressure has been intense to get married for quite awhile now, but we broke up. So tonight its either going to be "Where's You-Know-Who, he's soooooo nice!" or "When are you going to get a NEW boyfriend?" For just once, I want someone in my family to come up to me and say "Gee, Brenda, you're at a totally good place in your life right now!"
I won't hold my breath too hard.

Guess what, Family? My whole self-worth doesn't depend on whether I'm in a relationship or pro-creating!"

And the Maxine-A-Thon continues.....

Friday, December 09, 2005


Now it's your turn to see me rise
You burned my wings, now watch me fly
Above your head
Looking down I see you far below
Looking up you see my spirit glow
- Ride "Seagull"

That is all.

Thursday, December 08, 2005



Well, thanks to Blogger being its usual self last night, I have no writings or pictures of my own, so go check out these better blogs instead!

http://bitchonthestreet.blogspot.com/ - this blog chronicles the adventures of Kat In Da Hat and Pookie as they navigate the streets of New York. Since I come from a place where sidewalks (if there are any) might come to a complete stop at the edge of woods, its a hoot for me to read about all the crap these gals have to put up with. Whether its the subways, buses, the streets, the sidewalk vendors, or those crazy city folks .....there's always something happening in New York City! Go and visit their wild world now!

http://mannsworld.blogspot.com/ - can you believe that there exists a woman, named Karen, who is right around my age, who not only lives in THIS country but also THIS STATE that loves the rock -n- roll as much if not more than I do? And she goes to a lot more shows than me. Her blog is a rocker's paradise of quickie reviews and pictures from all the shows she has seen. And get this....she's a Mars Volta fan too!!!!!!! She's also a musician. So now I have someone to dish all the rock gossip with. Head directly over to her site now and make sure you bookmark it!

GO DO IT! See ya tomorrow, hopefully!

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Everybody else is doing it on their blogs, so here's MY Christmas wish list!!

The new Queens of the Stone Age DVD - I already know I am getting this.

New bedsheets.

Jeff Buckley poster. This was on my list last year, too.

BOOK: "Touching From A Distance" by Deborah Curtis. I am going through a Joy Division phase. Again.

Art Supplies. Always needed.

Johnny Depp 2006 calendar. Yeah baby, YEAH!

Vikings. Just because.

Oh yeah....and some more Maxine for the Maxine-A-Thon!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I'm always saying I hate this person or that person.....but if you've gotten to know me through reading my blog, you've probably come to realize that I'm full of crap and I really don't hate anyone for real. However....there are exceptions to every rule:

I thought he was gone for good.....but NOOOOO! He's back! I saw a commercial where he has a SOLO ALBUM.....and I threw up a little bit in my mouth. LOL! Well, I felt really nauseated, anyway. This guy is a tool and his music sucks. Here's a link to his latest adventures in Asshole-ism, if you don't feel like taking MY word for it:

Sparkle called before I left work and placed an order for some Bojangles. So I'm at the Bojangle's drive-thru placing the order....and obviously they were having speaker problems, as I had to repeat my order twice. No problem.

After I finished placing my order, there was a moment of silence and then:
That'll be four fift - *SQUONK!*
That's four fi - *SQUONK!*
Total is four fif - *SQUONK!*
Four - *SQUONK!*
By this time, I was gripping the steering wheel for dear life and laughing my ass off! It was one of those laughs where you just squeak helplessly, and when you finally catch a breath you just holler out with laughter. And I couldn't stop. I was ducking down and shielding my face out of embarrassment, like no one standing within 50 yards could hear me shrieking like a banshee. I wish I had more control over myself than that, but good laughs are far and few in between....go ahead and give into it!

The following is a Maxine cartoon. This grouchy old lady is one of my very favorites. Expect a Maxine cartoon every day for awhile. I'm declaring a Maxine-a-thon, if you will: