I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006


I have a friend at work, Stacy, who is always amusing. She's very country-fied, which is really saying something in the South. She and her husband own a large property and they host a massive dove hunt every year for all their dove-hunting friends. She invited me last year but I was scared of getting shot. Although my city's statistics tell me I have a much higher chance of getting shot downtown at the library....there's something about several acres of dove-hungry dudes full of beer and loaded shotguns that scares me a lot too.

Why would anybody kill this many doves? Do these people eat dove pie every day or what?

But anyway, I'm getting off the subject. Stacy had a baby last year and she's been really concerned with getting the baby weight off. She's really done a good job of it too, she looks great. But she's still worried. Actually I was starting to worry about her because it seemed like she was getting a little obsessive about her weight.

I needn't have worried. I walked by her the other day while she was having lunch at her desk. She was kicked back, relaxing, and enjoying a Slim-Fast and a Honey Bun. I think I laughed for a full five minutes. She just threw her hands up and was like "Life is too short to deny yourself a Honey Bun."

So show yourself a little love and treat yourself to a Honey Bun today. Just remember to drink the Slim-Fast with it and everything will be healthy. And remember, once they finally take us to the lab and put us on the slab, the only thing that really matters in the end is if we enjoyed life or not, I guess.

Friday, January 27, 2006


The Bible says....in one of those books of it...somewhere....something about gossip being a sin.

I felt bad because I caught myself gossiping today. It was a small group of friends and we were gossiping about how Crazy Woman is......you know......crazy. And she is. But even though we were stating plain, well-known facts, it crossed my mind that if Crazy Woman knew that we were discussing her plain-as-the-nose-on-your-face insanity, she might be hurt. And gossip is bad if someone is hurt, right?

And Confucius said something like "Man who gossips is bad, bad, BAD! And small-minded too."

Here's Confucius. Who died and left him boss, anyway?

But if I can't gossip, I may as well just shut the blog down and spend the rest of my life picking my nose and making a nice boogie mosaic. And what are you supposed to talk with your friends about? If you talk about music, you're gossiping and then all the crappy bands will be hurt. If its politics, Hillary Clinton is going to get her feelings hurt, that's a given. You can talk about the weather, but eventually you're going to end up talking about how sub-par the local weatherman is on Channel 6 (or Channel 06, if you're using my remote). He gets his feelings hurt on a regular basis.

This bitch couldn't forecast rain on a rainy day.

So lets face it. I'm a sinner. Its straight to hell from here on out. And somewhere out there, the ghost of Confucius is shaking his head.

I would be interested to know how others out there feel about gossip. So gossip amongst yourselves about gossiping.

See ya this weekend on your blog, and I'll be back with an update on Monday!

Thursday, January 26, 2006


There's a cute little kitty hanging around my house a lot. He's so gray he almost looks blue and he has the cutest little fluffy tail. I need another cat like I need a hole in my head, so I hope he stops hanging around. And my girls are spayed, so he just better look elsewhere if he has dishonorable intentions. Anyway, he looks fed and lack of feeding is what usually triggers my uncontrollable urge to rescue the poor little kitty kitty kitty.....so I think I'm safe.

Tonight I had to carry the trash cart out to the road and I looked up and noticed the sky was crammed with stars! It was so beautiful I had to just stand there and watch awhile, even though the wind was blowing and it was quite chilly. I wish I could watch the stars like that in the summer....but the haze is so bad here you can't even see them a lot of times.

Neil Young quote of the day: "To me, songs are a living thing. It's not hunting to capture. I just want a glimpse of it, so I can record it."
I heart Neil Young.

And to bid you a good day.....some happy fruit! Actually, I guess this is a happy vegetable!

Happy fruit was sent to me by Hope!!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006


Spotted today on a bumper in traffic:

Oh God, Stew's gonna be sooooo pissed!

Do we even know for sure that Hillary is going to run?

If she runs, there's not going to be enough internet space to contain Stew's wrath. Maybe she can get Al Gore to invent some more internet?

And on election night, Mrs. Jen Magoo better have a paramedic or two hanging around for the election returns. Because Stew is going to bust an aneurysm if Hillary Clinton is elected President of The United States.

In other news: Sparkle worked on me and worked on me....and finally she wore me down. And now she's going to see this band:

Avenged Sevenfold

I've already had to buy enough Avenged Sevenfold merchandise to put a child through college. They certainly don't look like savory characters. In fact, they seem to represent everything I miss everything I am against as a parent! However, the kids seem to think this band is the new Guns 'N Roses or something, so I figured I better let Sparkle get her chance to see them. Because if their singer is anything like Axl Rose, his assholism will soon render him irrelevant anyway.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


There was a lot I wanted to say about this....but on second thought the picture says it all.

pic was sent to me by Steph

Sunday, January 22, 2006


God, I am probably sooooo jinxing myself by writing this....but when has a jinx ever got me to shut up?

I was very worried at the beginning of this winter. Colder temperatures got started up around October, which is a bit early in these here parts. Gas prices were soaring and the Natural Gas people announced they were raising their prices an obscene amount. Weather forecasters everywhere were screaming about what a hard winter we were going to have here in North Carolina.

I've always been on a tight budget and probably will be till the day I die. I have been really worried about making ends meet if the heating bill was going to soar.

Why was I worried? As usual, the weather people have been completely wrong. Yeah, the northeast has had it kind of tough, but that's the usual state of affairs for them. Here in the Carolinas, its been almost balmy. Temps have averaged 50's to 60's....even a few days of 70's!!! I realize there's still a little ways to go....but so far so good!
Even if we get dumped on with a blizzard, I've done well enough that I'm not worried about paying for the heating. What a nice relief.

♪ You're Gonna Make It After Allllllll.... ♪

Friday, January 20, 2006


The working atmosphere at Conglomo is kind of like being at college....it is its own little world unto itself with its own special set of rules. But instead of puking at midnight in dormitory stairwells, Conglomo's rules of behavior are super-professional. Always straight-laced, always proper, no eccentric humor allowed (I'm living such a lie!). And there must never, ever be confrontation and anger, unless you are meeting with your boss behind closed doors maybe. And then its gonna be the boss that's doing the confronting and angering.

Well, leave it to Crazy Woman to throw all the rules out the door. She was unsure about some of her work today, so she goes to the boss, Mr. Smooth Operator. So Smooth Operator tells her that she needs to see his assistant, Bertha Butt, about the exact processes for handling that particular work.

So Crazy Woman says to him "What do you do?" and he laughingly replied "I don't do anything, all day long." He thought things were fine, but he doesn't know Crazy Woman. I thought I heard some percolating sounds, which was probably the blood pumping through her veins. Uh oh, not a good sign. She gets REAL loud and REAL hostile, and she says, "I'm not kidding! WHAT do you DO? WHAT is your FUNCTION? You're telling me I need to see Bertha Butt on how to do this....I guess from now on I should always ask Bertha Butt because what you are telling me is that you don't know how to DO anything!"

Let me stop right here to explain that this is why I will never be the boss. They could hand the job to me on a silver platter and I'd never ever accept it. Handling people like this in the Conglomo-accepted professional fashion is just NOT IN MY NATURE.

When I am confronted in a similar fashion, the first thing that happens is disbelief. Then I feel embarassed for just a slight second, then complete anger blinds me for a few. If I could let it all loose, I'd be okay. But AHA! You can't DO anything about it except handle it in a professional manner! So you take that big blob of anger and slowly CHOKE. IT. DOWN. At this point, my blood pressure bottoms out and I literally feel sick. My legs shake and I'm twitching like Eddie Vedder singing "Jeremy". All of this emotion happens over a period of one minute and its this kind of thing that's killing executives all over the nation.

Swallow that anger! Swallow it.....swallow it.....

Well, back to the story. They don't call him Smooth Operator for nothing. He was so smooth, he was like a baby's butt in a pan of baby oil. He simply and sternly told Crazy Woman that Bertha Butt's expertise was in processes, and that she needed to see Bertha Butt for the answer to her question. The end. Crazy Woman stalks off and Smooth Operator goes back to his desk. He truly deserves to be the boss, because within the minute he is shuffling papers and crunching on his Cheetos....no emotional upheaval, no choking on blind rage, no panic attacks. He didn't even blush!

He did talk a bunch of shit about Crazy Woman after she went home though.
See ya on Monday!

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Hamsters are lively little creatures. They enjoy their treats. They love to eat seeds, fruit and vegetables. They eat them, they walk around with piles of treats in their cheek pouches, and they love to throw their treats around everywhere outside their cage for some unknown reason. I guess they just can't contain themselves when it comes to treats.

Because of this, I moved the hamsters to the bathroom months ago. I have a spacious counter where they can throw all the treats they want to throw and its super-easy for me to clean up behind them.

While cleaning yesterday, I noticed what looked like a tiny leaf poking up out of the sink drain. Hmmmm. I grabbed at it, but it wouldn't come out. I gave a tug....and I swear to you, a long miniature plant came out of my drain with the roots attached! Apparently one of the hamsters threw a seed from quite a distance.....and it took root in my freaking sink drain! Where all sorts of well-known plant nutrients live, like used toothpaste and soap! I don't know what freaks me out the worst, the plant itself or the fact that my sink drain is capable of biospheric life support. Just what the hell is down there, anyway? Should I call a plumber or an exorcist?

I have no idea what kind of plant it was, but here are the options: corn, pumpkin, rose hips, sunflower, sesame, and some kind of bird seed looking stuff. Un-be-freaking-lievable.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I can't believe it. After all this hooping and hollering about how I am going to improve my blogging and try to keep caught up, I get up this morning and forget to post my update. At this rate I am going to lose my blogging license!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


Because I've been unable to update my blog regularly, I've been having some pains. I went to the doctor and discovered that in your body, near the Isles of Langerhans, is a small organ known as the Blogleus. You're either born with one or you're not. However, if you are born with one, the urge to blog is quite strong. Failure to blog can cause complications.

Since I had not been able to blog regularly, my doctor suggested a Blogoscopy procedure to visualize the Blogleus. This was performed and sure enough, it showed Blogerrhage, or bleeding of the Blogleus, caused by failure to blog at the proper daily dosage.

Here's diseased Blogleus....swollen, bleeding, gross.

My doctor told me this was a grave medical problem. He could perform a Blogectomy....completely removing the Blogleus, but then I'd never be able to blog again. Not an option. He could also perform a Blogotomy....cut away the diseased part of the Blogleus....but he told me that people who have this done never blog in quite the same way again and often need shock therapy. I settled for a Blogoplasty....plastic repair.

I had a Blogoplasty and the diseased part of my Blogleus was repaired. I was basically as good as new....daily function has been only slightly compromised. There should be eventual full recovery. Wish me well. And keep reading my blog.

Saturday, January 14, 2006



Due to extreme working conditions and soul-crushing time constraints, I've had some decisions to make. I LOVE blogging and I want to keep doing it. However, as you can tell, its been almost impossible for me to be consistent at all about keeping up on a daily basis. So.....

For the immediate future, I am going to be following
The West Virginia Surf Report schedule of updating. This means: no more weekend updates. The weekends will be spent writing the things I want to say so I can post them during the week. I will update every weekday unless its a holiday. I am going to have to limit commenting on other's blogs to the weekend also, unless I'm feeling especially peppy.

I need this book. NEED it.

Hopefully this won't be a forever thing but I'm trying to accomplish something at work and its just got to come first right now...and this means long hours. I really prefer to be a little more spontaneous in my writing...but no matter what, I NEED to write this blog. For reasons only my psyche could explain under hypnosis.

See you on Tuesday!!!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2006


At work today, it was a dear friend of mine's birthday. I had totally spaced it out. I knew I had to do something for her.....something that didn't involve leaving work, since we have parking woes at Conglomo right now. I knew what I had to do.....I also knew what was going to happen when I did it.

I offered to buy her lunch, chinese delivery. She was thrilled with that. While we discussed it, the girl next to her asked if she could order something. I handed them the menu. Within 5 minutes, it was determined that the whole department wanted something. Four of these people went to ask their friends in other departments to order. When the menu was returned, it had about 9,000 yellow stickies posted all over it.

Well, it wasn't quite THAT bad, but still. I got a chinese delivery order together that totalled about $130. There was a $2.00 delivery charge....and after that there was seriously about a $6 tip. And $2 of that was mine!!!! How can people be so cheap?

So the moral of the story is: Have mercy on someone who offers to get a take out order together. Don't invite all your friends. And for heaven's sake, give more than a dime for a tip!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


Test your Brenda marriage acumen!

When I look back on my marriage, which of the following do I miss so much that it reduces me to tears?

a. Thinking about all the tender, touching moments together.
b. Missing the sense of being a TEAM together.
c. Facing having to carry a carload of groceries into the house by myself.

If you guessed choice c, you would be correct.

Tooting my own horn here....but I have faced divorcedness with resolve, determination, fortitude and.....JOY. But the grocery store.....that one gets me every time. All those bags....the steps....the cats under my feet.....A WOMAN CAN'T DO IT ALL ALONE!

I need a personal servant. If you're willing to help out and your name is Johnny Depp, please email me immediately.

Monday, January 09, 2006


The Queen O' The Bitches is back..... and I hereby issue the following


Attention: Today is January 9th, 2006. The old year is gone and the new year is well under way. Many people have already hung up their resolutions as lost causes. Time is marching on. So TAKE YOUR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS DOWN ALREADY!

What are you waiting for? Its like you're some kind of Christmas desperado who didn't get what he wanted from Santa when he was a kid.....just go out and buy whatever it was you didn't get! Continuing to illuminate the whole neighborhood has totally proven your point that you are "More Christmas Than Thou". You put these lights up the day after Halloween....that means its 70 days and counting!

And if you're not going to take them down...at least stop turning them on. Or I'm calling the cops.

Sunday, January 08, 2006


Mentioning disco yesterday gave me my idea for a blog entry today.

I was probably about 12 years old when disco got popular. "The Man" marketed disco really hard to us kids. You were supposed to go see the movie "Saturday Night Fever" and then you would be hooked, the way the rumors went. Actually, the thing I found most compelling about "Saturday Night Fever" was the ability of 150 total strangers to congregate on a Brooklyn dance floor and perform difficult choreography in perfect unison.

Those Bee Gees were so......hairy!

Truthfully, I found the "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack rather baffling. Apart from the Bee Gee's songs.....most of the rest of it had almost like a Latin Salsa-type thing going on, with violins. It sounded like something a gangster would listen to in a Miami nightclub while waiting for that big shipment of cocaine to land at the docks! That Latin beat is what they were really stressing at first, but everybody liked the Bee Gees stuff better, so that's what became the selling point....and now that's all anyone remembers about the "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack.

I will admit to you that I listened to some it for awhile. There was a teen club in town where you could go dance so that was popular for a short time. And I will admit right here in this very blog that I did (and still do) like Donna Summer a lot. Her music was made entirely with machines and it had such a cold, mechanical sound that I couldn't help but be a little fascinated with it.

And we always watched "Solid Gold" because that was like the only music show on TV (MTV was just around the corner). Its funny though, we watched it all the time...but when I look back all I can remember is being older and seeing Boy George for the first time and my mother was watching too. She kept insisting he was a girl...and I'm like "Mom, LISTEN to his voice! Its a MAN!" and so the horror of realization comes across her face and I'm laughing my ass off, at her AND him. She just shook her head slowly and said "Lord, I've seen it all now!"

Disco died a quick death in our house. Yeah, we fell for the hype for a little while, but one day while the radio was churning out yet another pre-fab dance tune, my sister and I looked at each other and we're like, THIS SUCKS and turned it back to the free-form rock station.

Well, I gotta go disco down to the grocery store now. Saturday Night Fever, indeed.

Saturday, January 07, 2006


Ugh. I have had the worst writer's block ever. I still think about things but its like nothing is really good enough to write about. So I am just going to write like its a journal entry and try to snap myself out of it.

Basically all I do these days is work. In a way its good but it sure doesn't leave much time for other things. Every day its get up, get ready, get Sparkle to school, get to work, work work work, then come home and maybe rig up something to eat, and crash out. My internet life is suffering greatly.

So if I haven't been around to your blog as much please don't be mad with me. I know things are going to get better. And you're still in my favorites list.

My musical life has been good though, since I have plenty of time to listen while I work. Lately I've dug back into a certain period of my youth and have been listening to Joy Division, the Cure, some Siouxie and the Banshees. Do you think it would be totally ridiculous for a woman my age to pile on some black make-up, dye my hair black and hang out at the cemetary? Yeah, you're right.

I wonder why it never occurred to me to dress the part back in the day? I guess because we were still recovering from disco?