I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Friday, April 28, 2006


So I was indulging myself in a litte rocking and thinking....even though its cold as hell outside again.....but I was enjoying the relaxing. All of a sudden my Mexican neighbor comes pulling into his driveway with his Mexican music blaring, as usual. In honor of the rich cultural traditions of Mexico, I have written a new song in Spanish:

Bello hombre-mujerzuela Johnny Depp
Nosotros todos deseo les corito!
Todos senoras ellas heartyu
Dey awwana cetonya phace!

Yee ha yee ha! Arriba! Andele!

A rough translation will be provided on Monday. See ya then!

Thursday, April 27, 2006


My new nightly ritual: When the sun is going down, I head out to my (newly-cleaned out) carport and get in the rocking chair. And then I start rocking. Then I start thinking. The birds are all playful, settling down for the evening, the one hundred million frogs get cranked up singing, the cats are patrolling the property perimeters and I'm rocking and thinking. Its hard to say which I am getting more done of ....the rocking or the thinking. I rock back and forth at a furious pace and the thinking is deep and introspective. Things I need to do. Changes I need to make. Its almost like a meditation. There's only one rule....the thinking has to be positive thinking. No self-defeating or self-pitying thinking. And you know what? I think its working, I just feel better in general.

I think this might work for me. I've never been able to meditate and God knows I've tried. I close my eyes, clear my mind......and immediately want to lay down and take a nap. With the rocking, I'm DOING something and I focus better.

What about you? Do you meditate and how do you do it? Do you feel that its good for your mind?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


16 years ago today, my little punk-rock baby was born...with more hair than babies are allowed to have.

Sometimes Mom just didn't know what to do and neither did Sparkle!

But usually everything worked out!

And most of the time things were real good!

And Sparkle grew:

And grew:

And grew some more:

By the time she was 2 and a half years old, she had hair all the way down her back because everyone is too scared to give a child that young a serious haircut:

Then she REALLY started growing up:

Kitties were her favoritest things ever:

She was into gymnastics, Tai-Kwon-Do and some ill-fated music lessons:

Many hours were spent loving the Spice Girls, the Backstreet Boys and Bon Jovi:

Here is my favorite picture from our favorite vacation together....Good times!

Then you start to realize that someone is not a little child anymore.

Suddenly you start wishing you could turn back time.

But time does goes on and she just gets more beautiful. She has brains too.....she was straight A's last report card and next year begins AP courses to prep for college. She's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Annoying t-shirt slogans and all.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006


My apologies for no post yesterday. I couldn't get Blogger to publish and I tried for like 2 hours straight! Finally I got disgusted and gave up....but WHY DOES IT DO THAT???

A most horrible miscarriage of justice has occurred....right here in the good ol' U.S. of A.!!!!!

Charles is a roofer and he humbly came to Wordnerd's house with his proteges to put a new roof on the house. You can read about the whole glorious first appearance
HERE, but basically Charles shows up and ALMOST falls asleep on her roof and kills himself. One would be tempted to think that Charles was hung over, especially after drinking all night. What we didn't realize was that Charles was actually in deep meditation with the Creator...with no thought to his own personal safety.

Wordnerd provided a humble offering of chips and bottled water to the roofers and went about her business. Suddenly her ears heard a most glorious sound from on high:
"I realized that some of the chatter was actually one of the roofers rapping. Yes, rapping. About us. About "the man that wanted the architeck shangles and he hooked him up and then the man gave him water and chips up on the roof and hooked a brother up and. . . . Roofer Rap."

Wordnerd had a phenomenal spiritual awakening and....much like Lucia in Fatima 100 years ago......made sure to spread the story of Charles to the masses via the Internet. And the world rejoiced.

But alas, Wordnerd received...um...word that Charles has now been arrested in an apparent domestic incident. Read about the whole atrocity
HERE. So this prophet, this Force of Good has
been silenced.

I have been trying to think of a way to raise money towards Charles' bail. Here's what I've come up with......

This is a sure-fire way to raise money here in NC!

You can just send your donations to me. You can send all the money you want to!! For each donation received, you will receive this special ribbon, designed by ADAM, to show your complete support for this worthy cause.

Friday, April 21, 2006


Do you know this woman?

If you don't, you should!!! She's only one of the blogosphere's most famous people. She's THE Webmiztris! Do yourself a favor and start reading her blog....you can find it right HERE. You will find her to be one of the zaniest gals you ever came across.

So why have I decided to call Dawn out today? Because yesterday she was blogging about celebrities that are considered hot that she finds just plain nasty. And you wouldn't believe who she listed first!!!! Here are her exact words:

"Ick! He's so hairy and his face isn't even attractive! The 70s porn look is OVER!"

Who is she talking about? Only the most important man of the 21st century!

Gah! Come on, Dawn! Look at that face! The big hair! The flushed, hairy chest. Check out that happy trail....and he's preparing to show you even more of it! Not only that, but he played sports back when he was a budding young wife-beater-in-training! What's not to love here?

Go to her blog today and show some love for the 'Hoff.

Thursday, April 20, 2006


According to my Site Meter.....my hits per day are shrinking like bare testicles in a snowbank. If I were a ship, I should probably think about giving it up as a lost cause, cease bailing water and head for the lifeboat.

If I were a real trooper, I'd get out there and do some whoring on BlogExplosion. But you know what? I really don't care. I'd rather have my handful of regulars and all my horny Europeans searching for Angelina Jolie pictures than to sell my soul walking the cyberstreets.....flashing my wares to complete strangers.

So now I give to you, the Regulars, a reward for reading this garbage every day.......nauseatingly cute photos!

A cute little Kee-ya-dee!

Cute lil' piggie-wiggies!

A cute little ham-ham eating lunch!

And a little something for the guys.....hamster porn!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006


Okay, I'm just a little bit upset. You know how I told you that I've been obsessively watching the owls at http://www.birds.cornell.edu/birdhouse/nestboxcam/barn_owl_tx/ ?
Well, on April 17th one of the eggs hatched....and the cutest little owlet you ever saw was rolling around in the nest. I couldn't wait to get home today and check him out again. I get home and log on......just in time to see the mother owl finish eating her chick!!! WTF?

Apparently Italy, Texas, where the bird box is located, is in a major heatwave....as I am typing this, the thermometer reading there is 96 degrees. I guess the heat killed the chick? Anyway, everyone is hoping that the staff of the website will check in and let us know why the mother owl ATE her chick? That's one the bird books don't bother to mention. I didn't expect the owl cam to get so brutal, you know?

But anyway, things are going well at the eagle cam:
I'm trying to find a good sea bird cam....if anyone comes up with a good one, let me know.

Have a good day and try not to eat your young!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Wow. I put my email address into Google and got confronted with comments from my past. Some of them I remember saying...a lot of them I don't. What the hell was I thinking? Here's some of them:

"Has anyone noticed a recent boom in eating the things that eat us?"

"I love Pete Doherty when he's traveling on his very own personal highway to hell!"

"They managed to Photshop her some boobs, I see."

"The supermodel was probably late meeting her coke dealer."

"Bless his little doggie heart."

"I'm just now waking up out of my coma."

"I haven't done the test yet, but I'm thinking my aura will be metal.....heavy metal."

"Hey...could you pass those re-roofing coupons my way?"

"Politics suck. I'd rather make fun of people."

"Awwww...I just read about your break-up. He was hot but not hot enough to EARN A DEGREE for."

"I loved March of the Penquins. But they really need to think about hanging out somewhere warmer."

"We're all going to die. Dubya is going to make sure of it. Begin drinking heavily."

"Happy = Spaghettios"

"I always thought Nicholas Cage would be the perfect actor to play in a movie about the life of Ben Stein."

"I want a bomb if everyone else is getting one. I can't be left out."

"I suck at haggling. Usually the seller can talk me into paying MORE for something, that's how bad I suck at it."

"It sounds like you had an oyster in your yogurt."

"If you happen to see Johnny Depp by any chance, will you stick your tongue down his throat for me? Thanks!"

Obviously....I cannot continue to trawl the internets in this manner....just saying whatever comes to mind. People are going to think I'm crazy or something!

Monday, April 17, 2006


I got tagged by STEW to do this meme called "Four Things You Wish You Didn't Know About Me"

Four Jobs I Have Had in My Life:
1. Conglomo - of course. This comprises about 15 jobs as I've moved around in that company through the years.
2. Peppi's Pizza Inn (now defunct) - waitress. I loved this job and everyone there loved me.....mostly because every other beer they ordered was free. Fun was had by all. Tips were plentiful. I could have done that forever if they paid enough to live on.
3. Allstate Insurance Co - secretary. Phones, filing, auto quotes, explaining to customers why the agent still wasn't back from lunch after two hours.
4. Medical transcription - did this for two years while my mother was terminally ill. I never slept and it wasn't unusual for me to be working away at 3:00 in the morning.

Four Movies I would watch over and over:
1. ANYTHING Johnny Depp
4. Is there anything else?

Four places I have lived:
1. My street
2. Clarendon Street
3. Virgie Street
4. Appalachian State University, Doughton Dormitory, 4th floor.

Four TV Shows I love to watch:
1. Forensic Files
2. History Channel stuff unless its World War II bomber shows.
3. Steven's Untitled Rock Show on Fuse. They actually show videos
4. The Fairly Oddparents - any cartoons on Nickelodeon.

Four Places I have been on vacation:
1. My favorite place is Topsail Island, NC
2. Los Angeles, CA
3. Atlantic City, NJ
4. Myrtle Beach!

Four websites I visit daily:

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Vine ripened tomatoes
2. Squash (can you tell I'm ready for summer?)
3. Pizza
4. Crab legs

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Exploring the beach
2. In the woods at the river
3. At Wiseman's View trying to spot the Brown Mountain Lights.
4. At the art museum, which is where I'm SUPPOSED to be right now but Sparkle is slacking.

Four friends I have tagged:
Anyone that hasn't done this meme yet.....this one has been getting around and I know several people that have done it but I can't remember who all.

Friday, April 14, 2006


"OLD IS WHEN.....Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

Thursday, April 13, 2006


Sorry about no posting yesterday but the craziest thing ever happened and now I am crazy, crazy mad! Someone has messed around with the puppy and now Mama Dawg is PISSED.

Sparkle asked me if she could go to her friend Innocent's house. I was planning to go to bed early so I told her she could if Innocent's mother, Nutso, would bring her home. So I take Sparkle over there and drop her off. I come home and put my cell phone on to charge….and its on “vibrate” instead of “ring”, which I didn't realize. So by 9:00 I am sleeping like a baby. And meanwhile, Nutso has decided that she just doesn’t want to bring Sparkle home because she doesn't feel like going out. WTF?

So Sparkle tries to call me and I don't hear the phone. She tries calling her Dad…. and can't get in touch with him either. She tries calling her grandparents and their phone is busy. And Nutso is NOT GOING TO GET HER CAN OFF THAT COUCH AND DRIVE 3 to 4 MILES TO GET SPARKLE HOME!!!! Sparkle finally gets in touch with Bitchard and he comes about 20 miles to pick her up and bring her home.

Sparkle comes in crying because of the way the woman treated her and I was just beside myself. I was SO ANGRY I couldn't think straight and feeling guilty too, because I felt like I'd let Sparkle down when she needed me. I gave Bitchard ten bucks for all his trouble and because I was so grateful.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

(The following links are not intended for dial-up users. Get yourself some broadband....you'll never regret it!)

The internets drive me crazy. I get hooked on the darnedest things and its like I can't stop!!!

For those of you I know from
THE WEST VIRGINIA SURF REPORT .....well, this should look familiar..... THE WORLD FAMOUS LAUNDROMAT IN FRANCE !!!! Ever since Jeff Kay posted this link....I can't stop checking it. Do you realize how long that's been?? I've been patronizing the French laundromat for at LEAST a year now. Even when I am well aware that the laundromat is going to be closed (France is six hours ahead of me, Eastern Standard Time), I still have to check in and see what's happening. Its sickness, I'm telling you, pure sickness!

But here's what even more sick....my new obsession. Check it out
I don't even know how I found this link....I just saw something about an owl and I'm like "cool, I like owls" and now I'm hooked. I don't understand the reasons WHY someone would set up a streaming webcam in an owl box but I'm so glad they did. I HAVE to know what these owls are doing and I have to know often. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I get up in the middle of the night and see what the owls are up to. I can't wait for the eggs to hatch. And already I'm wondering what the hell I'm going to do when owl nesting season is over!

And then, of course, my favoritest webecam in the whole wide world - THE BEACH CAM!! This is from Wrightsville Beach in North Carolina. I've been coming to this cam for YEARS now. Sometimes when I sleep in the living room I will go to the beach cam, crank up the volume and sleep to the sound of the waves hitting the sand.

Do any of you have a favorite cam that you visit every day? No x-rated cams, please!!!!!

Monday, April 10, 2006


We had a wild weekend, weather-wise. Lot's o' wind and rain....there was a huge front that passed over what seemed to be the entire eastern part of the country wreaking havoc. However, things didn't get nearly as wild here as they did for STEW .....make sure you check out the link and read about his too-close-for-comfort encounter!

As for us here on the homefront.....well, I'm expecting to be arrested any minute now. Why? It seems that any time my lovely daughter has been absent from school this year, she didn't turn in the written excuses that I was apparently just writing to keep my hand in shape. Now here it is getting close to the end of the school year and I've got letters stating that my child has 6 unexcused absences. That due to North Carolina's Compulsory Attendance Law, my child could have a petition filed against her in Juvenile Court, or that a warrant could be issued against me for violation of N.C.G.S. 115C-378. Gah!

After my initial freakout and subsequent seizure, I called the school and found out that I can re-write the excuses and turn them in. Does anyone have a responsible child I can rent that will actually TURN the excuses in?

I keep having these visions of them slapping the cuffs on me and dragging me away while I scream "BUT SHE GOT STRAIGHT A's ON HER LAST REPORT CARD!"

Friday, April 07, 2006


I was going to refrain from commenting on the Duke Lacrosse team’s alleged gang rape and beating of a stripper who attends NCCU. However, now I have no choice as its all anyone talks about.

This fiasco has thrown this town into a full-blown crisis. A little background: the Duke lacrosse team had a party on March 13 and hired a student from NCCU as a stripper. And allegedly (I ain't getting sued, Bubba) they beat her up, robbed her, and gang-raped her.

Well, I think everyone figured this one would get swept under the rug…..just like every other infraction of the law that involves Duke students. Yeah there….I said it….because it’s the damn truth. Every year their behavior gets worse and worse. I’m not talking about just loud parties and alcohol…..we all did that. I’m talking about parties where the kids sling their beer bottles and break them in the streets. When their elderly neighbors would ask them to stop, they abused the elderly people verbally, trashed their yards and even threw a beer bottle at one. Just sickening behavior. If one of my crowd had done that back when we partied 24-7…..all of us would have ganged up and kicked their ass.

And now this. Did it happen? I have no idea but I know it wouldn’t surprise me if it did. The stripper girl is black, which adds a whole other dimension to this case. People are mad because…..as they have pointed out…..if this had been a white woman and the perpetrators were black….charges would have been brought already. And you know what? They are completely right. The Durham Police Department knows that Duke University butters a lot of bread in this town and they have looked the other way many MANY times. The NCCU president is having to calm the student body over there as tempers have flared high and threats have been issued. We're liable to have full blown collegiate massacre at the rate the situation is deteriorating.

Its just a big freaking mess and yet another blight on Durham’s already-tarnished reputation. I wanna move!

Thursday, April 06, 2006


At my new Conglomo site, there's a lady working there who's.....well, as she said herself, she's the oldest person working at Conglomo. I doubt that's true but she did announce today that she has worked at Conglomo for FORTY-SEVEN YEARS. Woah!!!

I don't know the lady, I just met her on Monday....but I congratulated her on her FORTY-SEVEN YEARS and I politely asked her "So what's your best memory of working here?" And she said, all sweet and innocent "Well I have a lot of happy memories. I was at my happiest when I could take my bra off and my boobs didn't flop down to my waist!"

As you can imagine, I nearly busted a gut. I can tell me and her will get along just fine.

And for no reason other than I love to share.....here's a great picture of a squirrel taking a poop.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


I started my new Conglomo job Monday.....so far so good! I think I will like it. My first day was totally stressful though. Once I got home I realized I had been clenching my jaws all day from general uptightness. Its hard being the new kid on the block but I'll make it.

Here in North Carolina, we finally got The Lottery. Which means we can now buy scratch tickets. I have no idea whether there will be more sophisticated games later on. It was like they passed the law and BOOM! We had scratch tickets. I think they wanted to go ahead and have it in place before all the Southern Baptist Conservatives (many of whom would still vote for Jesse Helms if they could figure out how to get him on the ballot) had time to organize and protest.

So I bought myself a $5 card this past weekend and voila! I WON! Well, I only won $15.00 but SO WHAT? It paid for my ticket and a third of a tank of gas!!!! I'm a WINNER baby! My self-esteem is through the roof.

"If gambling is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

Monday, April 03, 2006


When I went to the eye doctor last week, I was seen by the nicest woman eye doctor ever. She was very knowledgable on all things EYE and was so caring and concerned that I didn't feel like I should quiz anyone about where Dr. Hott is now. It came down to....which is more important...caring or hotness? Well, you KNOW which is more important but I felt guilty for feeling that way so I didn't say anything. I guess hotness is kind of like ships passing in the night, you have to appreciate it while you are in the midst of it, for it will soon be gone. I think it was the great poet Tennyson who said "Enjoy ye hotness while ye may."

A little background is in order here......I wear contacts. I've been wearing glasses since I was 8 years old because I am horribly near-sighted. Its totally ridiculous. If I lived in the 1700's I would need a "companion" to help me through living everyday life. So anyway.....my eyes are deteriorating at a steady (and scary) rate and there's really nothing I can do about it. The nice lady doctor looked at me, sighed, and told me I really need bifocals (!!!!!) but since I'm so young to just go out and get some magnifiers from the drug store and wear them when I'm on the computer and reading. This should buy me some time before my vision deteriorates further. So now I'm wearing full-strength contacts AND drug store glasses, just like a little old lady. I'm thinking about getting myself a shawl and cane....I may as well LIVE THE PART, ya know?

Here's me just hanging around the house.

I can't help but wonder if I'll eventually go blind when I really am old. As horrible as that would be....I think it would be better than losing my hearing. Life without music or hearing my loved ones talking to me would be unbearable. But life without being able to read makes me feel all woozy inside.....oh heck, this post is going nowhere!

Back to positive thinking and I'll see you tomorrow!