I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Imagine my surprise when I went to Google and discovered that an image of Bad Luck Schleprock doesn't exist on the internet! So here is my own hastily-drawn version:

By the time you read this, I will be having or will have had a meeting with the Big Boss at Conglomo. Well, MY Big Boss, anyway. There's multiple layers of Big Bosses at my work. I have this meeting first thing in the morning - 8:00. I have no idea what it is about. Could this possibly be the good thing I have wished, prayed and worked so hard for? What are the odds that Bad Luck Schleprock Girl, who never catches a break, will actually....um....catch a break?

It's really hard not to say something negative or smart-alecky. I know, I know....BE POSITIVE.

Here's some positivity......yet another reason from Planet Brenda why you shouldn't kill yourself:

I was in the bathroom at work today and I was giving my face the once-over while washing my hands. And lo and behold....I saw a.....a.....WHISKER? I shut the water off and was already briskly plotting my demise. If I'm going to be one of those WHISKER WOMEN then there's really no sense in carrying on, is there?

I went back to my desk, head ducked down, and got out my hand mirror and my nail file. Hand mirror so I could see this whisker up close and the nail file so I could go ahead and end it all. And guess what? It wasn't a whisker! It was just a tiny piece of dry skin that had flaked off. Whew! Now dry skin is unforgivable too, but at least I can slather on moisturizer. If I had actually been one of the WHISKER WOMEN, I don't know what I would have done. Oh yeah.....kill myself!!!!!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005


I hate my neighbors, the Nosys, for various reasons....all of them good reasons. Here's one of them.

I've always been jealous of the Nosys for their rose garden. 20 beautiful bushes packed with lush roses of every color of the rainbow, tender vegetation that's a feast for the eyes. They enjoy bragging on it....and I've always hated them for it. Its so beautiful, so perfect.....and I coveted a rose garden of my own.

So I dug up a patch of ground and put in 4 bushes......and let me tell you something, that was some HARD WORK. I dug the ground up, put in timbers to line the bed, and after I planted the bushes I laid down a thick layer of wood chips.

I had roses....for a little while. Not lush and picture perfect, but I had roses. Until they died. I kicked and cursed, but all 4 bushes died, slowly. I wasn't going through all that work again....I resigned myself to the fact that the Nosys were better rose gardeners than I could ever hope to be. And I hated myself for it.

Until I came home for lunch the other day and there was the Witherspoon Rose Culture people out there, winterizing the roses!!! You can contact these people and they come out there and INSTALL the freaking rose garden and maintain it for you!!!!


I can't believe I have wasted precious years of my life hating on a Witherspoon Rose Culture garden. That's like being pissed off because you can't have a White House Christmas Tree on your lawn or like McDonald's grouching about the steak house. These gardens are maintained by actual horticulturists that have absolutely no other use for their degrees, so of COURSE its going to be a hot rose garden!!!

I hate those Nosys for trying to perpetrate their Witherspoon rose garden like it is THEIR creation! And I'm heading over there one night next summer with the scissors too, dammit!



Sorry, I am having a Blogger problem. I don't have an option to put down my date and time published. If I use my saved entry, its not going to post in the right place. So I'm holding out until they get their crap together. Check back later.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


Ummm....YES! But I'm doing it. No, I don't have a self-cleaning oven. Actually it was originally my mother's oven, which was purchased around the time astronauts were first landing on the moon. Well, maybe not quite that long ago...but I bet I'm not off by much. Hey, it still works fine, I'm not coming up off of money for a new one till I have to.

I've gotten a lot of housework done during this fine Thanksgiving holiday. I might actually be able to enjoy a feeling of being somewhat caught up for a little while.

I read a horrible story in the new Rolling Stone (with Madonna on the cover) about the refugees from that killer earthquake back in October, when so many people died. There are millions without a place to live, and they are in tent cities (if they are one of the lucky ones)...unprotected from the elements, with only a thin sheet of canvas to protect them from the winter snows, which are starting to fall. It is a critically grave situation over there right now. Please stop what you're doing for a minute and offer up a prayer for those people, particularly the kids and the elderly. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Our own Katrina refugees are in a bad spot, but nothing like this.

Saturday, November 26, 2005



Thanksgiving is over and all that's left is the crying. I gotta go on a diet. AND get back to exercising regularly. I'll start out with some good old fashioned starvation for awhile and then gradually move up to solid foods when I start feeling like I'm going to pass out. That sounds harsh but really, the only way I can lose weight is to simply not eat. Let the dieting begin!

As you may or may not know, I am living in the same house I was raised in. I bought it when my grandfather died for an amazingly low price. The fact that I've been in this house forever has made for some interesting encounters.

Tonight I answer the door and who is standing there but someone I don't know! It turns out he's looking for my older sister. He was her boyfriend....30 freaking years ago!!!! Okay. I was extremely nice to him, I was like "oh its so good to see you!" even though I was like 9 years old when I last saw him. He wanted to know what my sister was doing now and I'm like, well, she's married and has two kids and works at Duke and she's doing really well! And all of a sudden it was like he got an attack of the Awkwards and he was totally ready to leave. Right that very second. Okay, nice to see you, buh-bye! He couldn't get to his car fast enough. It was beyond strange, and I felt very uncomfortable when he practically ran away like that....I felt like I'd done something wrong....when I KNEW I hadn't.

I feel bad for him because I suppose he is lonely. I can't imagine that anything but extreme loneliness would drive someone to seek out an old girlfriend who was 15 years old when you last laid eyes on her. And then run away like a scared doggy. At least come in for a short chat and a glass of sweet tea!

Or maybe it was me who scared him. He took one look at my Thanksgiving-dinner-bloated self, eyes all sunk in and glazed over, still in recovery from my turkey-induced coma....and got the hell out of there before my head started twirling 360 degrees.

Thursday, November 24, 2005


So what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Sparkle and I are going to my sister's house for the feast. Sparkle will probably end up spending the night with her grandparents. I am going to work for awhile on Friday and Saturday....easy overtime.

You know, when we make our little lists of what we are thankful for, we tend to get really deep. We're thankful for families, our health, our ability to make a living, our faith....etc. etc. But you know, we should take a moment to be thankful also for all the silly trivial things that we take for granted also.

So if you read this post, take a second, click on the comments and tell me something you are thankful for today, no matter how trivial. In fact, the more trivial, the better! I'll start......the most trivial thing I am thankful for today is the little stack of movies I rented for Thanksgiving night!!!

Enjoy yourself and Happy Thanksgiving to you, yours and everybody else's.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


I was driving home last night and got caught in some pre-Thanksgiving traffic. I was just sitting there, zoning out, when I was startled by a whistle in my direction. I turn to look beside me, and there is a guy there at his window with his finger up his nose. He had that finger jammed up there as far as he could get it and was vigorously digging for gold. And he wanted to make sure that I saw the whole thing. He was really digging that I was watching him digging!!!

Well, I watched for a moment, then raised my fist in solidarity. "Yeah, booger-diving....I'm totally down with it, my friend!" By this time, my lane of traffic was moving on, so Mr. Booger and I went our separate ways, just two ships passing in the night.

In reality I felt quite violated. Obviously Booger Voyeurism is the new Exposing Yourself! Whodathunkit?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005



Dear Trent:

Thank you so much for your recent CD release "With Teeth". A lot of the younger crowd doesn't like it, but I know (because I am so old and jaded and know about these things) that this is your best and most consistent release ever. This CD you made, it is a good thing!

However, it has come to my attention that you have only released the following songs as singles: "The Hand That Feeds" and "Only".

Now....you named your CD "With Teeth". It would stand to reason that the best song on the CD would be "With Teeth". Well, its true, that is the best song....IMHO! Please hurry up and release this as a single so all of your fans can watch you dominate the charts, instead of all of this hip-hop and rap. Because a lot of your fans are really sick of hip-hop and rap. A lot of the kids will never hear your stuff if you don't dish it out in singles.

Trent as a desk thingie.

And when you make your video for this song, we don't want to see you as an office desk toy. We much prefer the days when you were hanging around a cold meat locker with slabs of meat everywhere, twirling pig heads, deranged monkeys, and you, Trent, twirling around in the air with no strings attached. Please hurry up and make a totally demented video before Tool beats you to it. Because if you don't already know, Tool is preparing to rise again. And they WILL make a demented video.

Your humble fan,
Brenda Love

P.S. While you're at it, will you please contact Queens of the Stone Age and remind them that they have a strong recent release and that they too should release some more singles? Just trying to do my part to save the rock and roll. Thanks!

Sunday, November 20, 2005


I've finally gotten past my fear enough to blog on this subject.

Sparkle got her drivers' permit back in June. Here in my state, the kids have to go for a certain amount of classroom instruction and then there's about 5 days of actual driving with a Driver's Ed. instructor. Oh wait, that's 5 days of 4 hours of instructions....so, half-days. Oh wait, you have to share that with another student. So you actually get like 8 to 10 hours of actual driving time instruction.

It isn't enough.

When Sparkle got her permit, I let her drive away from the DMV. The first thing she did was hit the gas and lay down black marks on the pavement as we were driving away....inadvertently, of course. I thought I would have a heart attack right then and there and I said some of the most awful cuss words you can say. I can't believe all the cops at the DMV didn't jump into their cars and take off after us. We were off to a wonderful start.

Since then I have laid my life on the line quite a few times while my daughter learns to drive. Here's a list of what I can remember:
1. Attempting to leave the car without putting the car in "park".
2. Heading straight for the ditch when backing out of the driveway.
3. Heading straight for the mailbox when backing out of the driveway.
4. Parking within 3 inches of another car.
5. Making a right turn on red without first stopping to make sure there is no oncoming traffic....TWICE!
6. Rolling over the curb at Target.
7. Veering over into the other lane (and in front of another car...by inches) during a double left-hand turn.

When you see that a mistake is being made....and you're rolling down the road at 50 miles an hour....you tend to get a bit LOUD when correcting your child. You just can't help it, its a reflex. Then the child looks at you like YOU are the one with the problem! "Mom, its only an 18-wheeler transfer truck. It will just have to stop for me!!! You're OVER-REACTING!"

Okay, to give Sparkle her due, she is doing a whole lot better. We now have it straight about stop lights. When you see red....you stop. Period. There's no exceptions to that rule. Once you're stopped, THEN you can assess whether this is a situation where you could possibly make a turn without killing yourself and everyone else.

She's gotten used to the gas pedal, so she's not laying down black marks all over creation. She takes her time backing out of the driveway now. She's taking her time with parking. And before she exits the car, she is stopping for a moment to think things over instead of just jumping out.

I might live after all. There might be some heart damage, but I'm alive.

Saturday, November 19, 2005


Last night and I headed over to Offbeat Music and got the new Wilco live CD. When you go to Offbeat, there's this parking lot you have to park at. It has one of those little machines that spouts the parking ticket and then the little arm opens. Sparkle almost took that arm out the other week, but that's another story, another day.

Anyway, you take your little ticket and carry to the shopping area, and whichever store you are at, you can get the ticket stamped and get free parking. I am usually dead on it, but sometimes I do forget. The subject of today's blog entry is the security guard that sits in the little house waiting to take your ticket when you leave.

Back when I was still driving the Ghetto Car, which was a very rough-looking vehicle, we'd pull up to the little house so we could get out of the parking lot. And once again I would have forgotten to get my ticket stamped. So Sparkle and I would start the Big Change Hunt. Mr. Security would take one look at me and my sorry-ass car and confidentially wave me on through. I'd be like "are you SURE?" but he was always like "Yeah, go ahead" and we were off! Mr. Security obviously had a serious soft spot for po' folks.

But now I have the Camry. Its not the flashiest car by any means, but it looks a lot more decent than the Ghetto Car. I pulled up to the little house last night and I had forgotten to get my ticket stamped, naturally. And Mr. Security wasn't having any of it. He wanted the money. I did the Big Change Hunt, paid my due, the magical arm of security lifted and I drove away.

I am officially no longer Ghetto.

Friday, November 18, 2005


All the Conglomo smokers that I know seem to have made it through their first non-smoking day without any nervous breakdowns. The way that most of them dealt with the situation was to leave the property boundaries and walk on the road and smoke. The road around the Conglomo building I'm currently working at is not TOO busy of a thoroughfare, so hopefully all of them will be safe. And not only that, they are walking, so at least they will be healthy smokers!

I just had to get on the telephone and call the building where I normally work to get the scoop on how Crazy Woman was dealing with the situation. I called my friend Stacy, who totally knows all the gossip at all times.
Stacy: "Well, Crazy's been really stressed today as usual."
Brenda: "Has she left her desk 3,000 times to go smoke?"
Stacy: "No, no...she came in this morning and she's on the Patch now!"
Brenda: [long pause] Do you suppose they make a Bitch Patch she could go on?"
Stacy: [hysterics]

I am going to patent this idea. The Bitch Patch. You just stick one on and it provides calming relief for chronic intractable bitchiness. Comes in 3 strengths: Hormonal Strength, Valium Strength, and Super-Heavy-Duty Morphine Strength. Bitches from around the globe are going to be throwing their money at me....and if they don't then their coworkers and significant others will be! I'm gonna make a KILLIN'!

P.S. I did a Google Search and found out the Bitch Patch is not an original idea. Damn! Back to the drawing board!

Thursday, November 17, 2005


Today, November 17, 2005 - my workplace becomes totally smoke-free.

Conglomo has actually been smoke-free for quite a few years now...but people could go outside to smoke. Then it became that they could only smoke in designated smoking areas outside. Now you can't smoke anywhere on the property....not outside, not even in your own car. Which I think is taking it a bit to the extreme. If they want to banish the smokers even further away than they are now, I don't have a problem with that. But come on, they're OUTSIDE. How much damage can they possibly be to us when they're outside? Its when they come back inside that they are a problem....PHEW!

What will probably end up happening is that the same people that take 6 smoke breaks a day (ahem...like Crazy Woman) will still take 6 smoke breaks a day....they'll just have to walk to the property line to do it. So go ahead and tack on about 10 extra minutes to the 15 minutes they already take. Either that or there is going to be some very pissy people to deal with starting today. I'm scared because I know what its like.

I quit smoking almost 7 years ago now. It was hard but its the best thing I've ever done. After you quit smoking and regain a little of your sense of smell back....the first thing you notice is how freaking HORRIBLE smokers smell. I immediately went into denial...."Oh hell no, I NEVER smelled like THAT!" But then you start to realize that yeah, you did. Then you start imposing rules around your still-smoking friends.....like they have to go outside to smoke if they come to your house. Then all of them cop an attitude......"Since Brenda quit smoking, she sure has become Holier Than Thou!" No honey, I don't think I'm better than you because I was able to quit smoking. Its just that....well......YOU STINK!!!!! Unbearably! Your breath smells like a rotting duck carcass. Fumes are radiating all around you. And Good God, you just had to go drink some coffee on top of it all, didn't you??? JESUS!

So it'll be interesting to see how the smokers at Conglomo are going to handle life. Hopefully no one is going to have a cow or go postal. We'll see.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


If you're constantly protecting your child from the consequences of their choices, how in the world will your child ever learn to stand on his/her own two feet?

Example: When Sparkle was in 8th grade, she decided that she didn't need to do homework anymore. Her grades dipped dramatically. Yeah, I bitched and moaned and gave her plenty of lectures.... but that was it. I could have marched over to that school and demanded her homework assignments be emailed to me daily and really enforced the law. But.....how would she ever learn to organize her own life if I started organizing everything for her? So I continued my lectures about doing homework = good grades = good job in the future....but otherwise Sparkle was on her own.

One of her teachers called informing me that Sparkle was in grave danger of flunking her class for the year. I replied to the teacher that Sparkle was well aware of what was expected of her and that if she wasn't going to do those things, then maybe flunking a grade was the best thing for her. I ended the conversation by telling the teacher that she had my blessing to go ahead and do whatever she felt she needed to do, that she had my total support. Ol' Teacher didn't quite know what to make of all this and I think she was glad to get off the phone.

And Sparkle just about flunked. Who knows what was the final dawning moment for her? But somehow it dawned on her..."Hey, maybe I need to get my lazy ass in gear!" And now I have a kick-ass student on my hands. 4.0 GPA. I have no idea if she has homework tonight or not. Its none of my freaking business....that's her deal. She knows what happens if she doesn't do it.

It was the hardest thing I've ever done....just to sit back and watch my daughter train-wreckin' like that. It would have been so easy to step in and command obedience. But if she depends on me controlling her life, she'll never be able to leave home and be sucessful. And then not only will I have failed as a parent, but I will never get to enjoy my old age in peace and quiet. No thanks.

And before you say it, I realize this approach would not have worked for every single child in the nation. But I don't see a whole lot of parent trying this kind of approach.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


The big gossip in town right now concerns one of our local Burger King restaurants. It opened for business as usual one fine morning and was shut down by the time lunch rolled around. The lady at the hot dog stand across the street made a killing that afternoon, as everyone who was going to go get lunch at Burger King found out it was mysteriously closed down....and headed across the street to the hot dog place instead. In fact, so many people showed up that she said she had to put an emergency call through to their other restaurant (on the hot (dog) line? har har har) to bring more weenies, stat!

So why did Burger King shut down? And not only did it close down, everything was removed from the premises! There's a happy little sign out front that leads one to believe that the owner had reluctantly decided that the joys of running a fast food restaurant just couldn't compare any longer with the pleasures of a Florida retirement. Planet Brenda's official statement on the matter is "Bullshit!" I did a little investigative snooping and found out the Food Inspector was making the rounds in that section of town on the day in question! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the Food Inspector walked into that Burger King, took in all the nastiness that IS Burger King, and shut those bitches down for good.

I bet there was whole chicken heads in the frying grease, green goo in the milkshake machines, and Whoppers in all the toilets. The pickles were sprouting hairs. They were using buns to wipe up the grease off the counters and serving them up when they were done. And we won't even go in the special sauce aspect of the whole ordeal. Bleeeech!

A long time ago we had a Hardee's restaurant that got closed down because drug dealers were trafficking through the drive-thru! Apparently you could pull up to the speaker to order....and if you knew the right password, you could get a Hot Ham and Cheese, Large Fry, and Super-Sized portion of Coke to go!

That'll be $137.25, please drive up! And there would be your little package, nestled in a bed of ketchup packets. I am not kidding you guys, I wish I was.

You can't make this stuff up.

I think I'll just stay in tonight and make a nice no-surprises salad...and there will only be the artificial DNA used to grow them to worry about! Happy Dining!

Monday, November 14, 2005


I took a total day off from the computer yesterday and the bad thing is I have no blog entry for today. The good thing is I got a whole lot of stuff done! But I am going to have to declare today a Blogiday and I'll be more prepared tomorrow.

Until I return, here's the funniest link ever....Robert DeNiro on Saturday Night Live, courtesy of Hope! If you're at work, put those headphones on!

Sunday, November 13, 2005


My ex-husband and I talk all the time now. Its not unusual for us to spend an hour on the telephone. He's coming over today to do some stuff to my car. He, Sparkle and I went out to eat together last weekend after Sparkle's fashion show. Its amazing that two people who get along so well couldn't stay married. But that's how life goes. I like him a whole lot better now that I don't love him.

My favorite day....Sunday again! I should be able to hold off the depressies today. For one thing, I have a crapload of work to do. I need to clean my car, vacuum the house, wash some dishes, and visit Mount Laundry....where one spends all their time folding. I have a book of Alfred Hitchcock Mysteries - 60 short stories and they're good ones too, even if they are old. If worse comes to worse maybe I will go rent a movie, I never do that.

Wish me luck.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Ah jeez. My brain isn't functioning. Here's some pictures from the files I've been saving for you instead.

Like you need a reason to drink.....

Jimi Hendrix art. I've had this one for a long time and I don't remember where I found it now.

Random people with a very important message for you!

Something about this sign is deeply disturbing.

I play this game at work every single freaking day!!!

Junkies For Jesus: Hey, at least his heart is in the right place!

It's the end of the road, you guys. Literally.

Friday, November 11, 2005


This morning was beautiful. We had a small front to move through the area so on the way to work the wind was whipping it up a bit. The leaves on the trees, which had thus far done an admirable job of hanging in there, suddenly gave up and the air was filled with hundreds of thousands of millions of leaves everywhere. You could see them blowing through the air 50 feet up. It was a beautiful sight but I couldn't admire it for too long....had to get to work. Its times like that I sometimes feel like I'm not living my life to the fullest. Or maybe I just wouldn't appreciate simple things like that if I could always do what I wanted. Who knows? I was really appreciating it this morning though.

I was able to spend a little time with my new magazines last night....and here's a couple of things I wanted to share:


Here is an illustration that goes with an article about how music therapy is beneficial for Alzheimer's patients. I fell in love with this little picture....its sad, happy and powerful all at the same time.


Remember a little while back when I was complaining about all these cookie-cutter bands in their suits? Well, I couldn't adequately express what I meant visually because I couldn't remember any of the names of the bands. WELL HERE'S ONE!

These guys are the total package of what I was talking about. They're interchangeable with at least 10 other bands that are popular right now. You could mix and match the members and no one would ever know the difference. Except their mothers maybe.

I had a freak out when I saw this picture of George Harrison's son, Dhani. Heh, heh, there was no way George could have ever denied this child was his!

Here Dhani Harrison is pictured with Ringo Starr......who actually posts to the comments section of this blog....under his thinly-veiled pseudonym, of course! LOL!

And last of all, here is an ad for a book that Rolling Stone is advertising about dead rock stars:

What is wrong with this ad? Well if you spotted a grammar error at the bottom you would be correct.
"The stories of how they died and where their buried."
It should be "The stories of how they died and where THEY'RE buried!"
I realize it's very anal to get in a knot over something like that....but it's annoying! Those big city editors make a hell of a lot of money! HEY ROLLING STONE, I CAN DO THAT JOB AND DO IT RIGHT! Willing to relocate! No more embarrassing ads!

I'm sure that Wordnerd could totally relate to how I feel.