I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Writer's exercise in breaking through Writer's Block: Give up.

I am declaring this week "Internet Vacation Week".....I gotta get away from it for awhile. This happens about 3 or 4 times a year, so I am overdue actually. Maybe that's why writer's block has gotten so bad.

So, I'll be back next week. I am checking emails, so please email me if something good, bad or unbelievable happens to you because I CARE, dammit.

Maybe I'll be back with something worth writing about.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Writer's exercise in breaking out of writer's block: make lists.

- Today is Friday
- Its pay day.
- My boss was talking about me on the phone yesterday. I just heard her tell someone what my position is and she was acting like she couldn't talk to the person because I was nearby. I'm so paranoid!
- The job has been going well. I think so, anyway. What if I am not doing as well as I think I am?
- I bought the Raconteurs CD. I like it pretty good. But nothing has really knocked my socks off for quite awhile now.
- I got caught in a killer rainstorm yesterday. I got drenched. I was all pissy because I had to wash my hair again.
- I found a pristine copy of MOJO magazine from last year when it was the 25th anniversary of Ian Curtis' death.
- I saw one of Sparkle's old friends yesterday. Both of her parents are fruit loops. She is 16 years old, going to school, working two jobs and trying to get the court to declare her an emancipated minor. It makes you feel like crying.
- I am starting back to college in the fall. Yep. Conglomo will pay for it. I'm not sure how much of my old college work will transfer over.
- I used to work for a dentist awhile back. One day a guy came in to get some dental work done and my dentist advised the guy that he needed to be seen at UNC immediately regarding a suspicious spot on one of his salivary glands. Sure enough, the poor man had salivary gland cancer. So they removed his salivary glands. Now he spends his life having to spray some kind of lubricant into his mouth every 5 to 10 minutes for the rest of his life. I have no idea what he does when he sleeps. But do take a moment today and show some appreciation for your functioning salivary glands.

Happy Memorial Day Holiday! See ya Tuesday.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


So I didn't blog for a couple of days. I have writer's block. Its not that I don't have anything to talk about, as usual, THAT is never a problem. Its just that after I finish writing it....it doesn't feel right. If I write something happy I feel like a geek. If I write about something sad I feel emo. If I complain I feel like an ingrate. So I'll just tell you a few things that's happened to me over the last few days:

1. I actually did see a shrink as I have been threatening. I don't know what I expected. I had visions of a deep meeting of the minds....wisdom, guidance and communion with a wiser power than myself. Kind of like how Grasshopper and Master would discuss (by the light of 100,000 candles) becoming one with the universe. Kind of like Goku learning the Kamehameha from Master Roshi. Kind of like Tim the Tool Man learning the facts of women from Wilson while standing in the backyard. What I got was a Wellbutrin prescription. I should have been a shrink...that's one easy job.
2. I lost my keys. I looked for them everywhere. I searched, cursed, ranted and curled up in a fetal position but I finally found them....right where they should have been. I'm really kind of embarassed to be telling you about that.
3. I am reading the Marilyn Manson biography. Whew. YOU GOIN' TO HELL, BOY!
4. I almost had my homeowner's insurance dropped for non-payment. I just completely spaced it out. Now I get to make up the money for screwing up!
5. Sparkle got inducted into the National Technical Honor Society. It was a beautiful moment, especially since she almost flunked her grade 2 years ago in a fit of rebellion.
6. At the induction ceremony, there was a handful of teachers that were there to support the students. Lo and behold, there stood one of MY old teachers from high school!!!!!! She's still going at it strong....however, she is NOT still teaching typing skills on Olivetti typewriters anymore. But for once I felt NOT OLD. Just how old can I be if one of my old teachers is still teaching, right? Its a great feeling.

And that's all for now. Maybe something cool will happen tomorrow. Or not.

Monday, May 22, 2006


The tax check arrived. Let the beach plans begin!

When I was a child and teenager, my skin was as healthy as fresh peaches. I did have a minor zit-tastrophe when I was about 12 and I would always have a minor break-out here and there....but basically I have always enjoyed good skin.

Until I hit about 35 or 36, that is. What happened? I don't know. Just all of a sudden I didn't have zits, I had ACNE. And the whole situation was spiraling out of control. First I had one little acne thingie. Then I realized I had two acne thingies. Before I knew it, I had a problem and I freaking out!! For God's sake, I'm an adult, I was supposed to way beyond these things happening. So I ran crying and screaming to good ol' Dr. Carr...and he prescribed....

RETIN A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You put a small amount all over your face every night. And at first it seemed like it made everything worse but Dr. C. said it was because it was pulling impurities from my skin. My skin also was very dry. But I hung in there and within about 3 weeks a miraculous change began to occur. Soft clear skin was mine again! And I've been on it ever since. I tried once to stop using it but it wasn't long until I went screaming and crying back to Dr. C. Everyone always comments on my skin and I am forever grateful to whoever invented this product.

Friday, May 19, 2006


Thanks to everyone who lent an encouraging word to me yesterday regarding Certifiable Bitch and the Road Rage Incident (sounds like an album title). Here is a link that tells about the Traffic Light Malfunction (an even better album title):
I love the way they describe it as a "few stoplights".....baby, it was miles and miles of stoplights out. But of course it all has to get started when I happen to have a Certifiable Bitch behind me. In the comments yesterday someone asked how long I sat at the blinking light.....well, I sat there all of 10 to 15 seconds before Certifiable started raising cane.

And so closes the book on a crazy week. It was my birthday this week too but I don't want to talk about that. I don't want to talk about having to color my hair, bifocals looming in my future or body parts heading in a southerly direction.

I filed my tax return very late this year.....and now I'm watching the mailbox for my federal check. As soon as it gets here, I'm putting that baby in the bank and I'm going to the beach for a long, long weekend. Nothing but sand, seagulls, waves and crabs. I can't wait.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Wow. I had a nice little blog entry planned and then something happens to where I don't even want to write.

In 5:00 traffic, I was at an intersection, going straight. A stupid train was coming parallel to us. The traffic light was blinking red. I didn't know what to do....I mean, a blinking red light says to me "Stay Stopped". It turns out the street lights were all out of order but I didn't know it at the time! And this woman behind me is going freakin' nuts. She's back there yelling at me at the top of her lungs and the situation went straight downhill when I told her to just FUCK RIGHT OFF. Well, she whips her car around mine and is in front of me and then when I'm trying to go down the road she's stopping her car trying to make me run into the back of her and I'm totally losing it, in the pure depths of road rage. I knew I had to get away from the situation, she's going 15 m.p.h. in front of me and trying to make me wreck. I waited till she was passing a street on the right and I made the right turn at the last second and got away. I truly wanted to wrap my fingers around her crappy throat and press very, very hard. And that's a scary feeling.

I felt like my blood pressure was at emergency room level and I was shaking. Well once that level of freak outedness is reached, its only a matter of time and I'm going to cry. I can't control it, I can't stop it, its like its a release from all that pent-up emotion and it HAS to happen. It took awhile but before I could get home the tears were flowing freely.

So now my mood is ruined, I have a headache, my sinuses are giving me hell, my contacts are all fuzzy from salty tears, I am full of self-recriminations and I am totally loathing that bitch.

So there's only one remedy - take out my contacts and curl up in bed with a rock and roll magazine and a forbidden Pepsi. But I really want to know - how do YOU handle extreme and unexpected pressure like that? Does your temper get the best of you or are you cool as a cucumber? Do you try to get away from bad situations or do you just go ahead and commit homicide? And do you cry like a boo-hooey baby afterwards? I'm an idiot.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I have an extra added bonus "M" word (see yesterday's post). That word would be:


And why am I mortified? Because...somewhere out there....is a Johnny Depp cereal box. And I don't have one. I rushed right out to two stores last night....but no Johnny Depp cereal box. There's plenty of other places to check but I am still about to have a fit.

Must. Have. Johnny Depp. Cereal box.

Just look at him. This man cares whether you get your daily essential vitamins, minerals, plus calcium for strong bones!

So look. If worse comes to worse, will somebody please pick me up a Johnny Depp cereal box and I'll pay you whatever exorbitant price you want...plus shipping and handling! I don't even care if you keep the cereal itself.....unless they're making it out of Johnny Depp's toenail scrapings and beard shavings.

Chances are I'll find one. But I gotta know that somebody has my back on this one.

Monday, May 15, 2006

This is a little meme-thingie that Wordnerd did. She assigned everyone a letter from the alphabet....then you have to name 10 words that start with that letter and tell what the words mean to you. Wordnerd was very good to me, she gave me an easy letter..."M".

Men - so yummy, yet so annoying. Why, here's a bunch of men right now, being manly:

Mastercard - its a beautiful thing when you're in the store. Its the spawn of the devil when the bill arrives.

Mediterranean - Where I would like to go one day on vacation. Because I am convinced Johnny Depp will show up in full pirate's uniform. Oh wait, that's the Caribbean. Close enough.

My Bloody Valentine - one of my favorite bands.

Midol - One of man's greatest inventions

Make-up - ditto.

Margaritas - double ditto.

Maniacal laughter - what usually occurs after margaritas and various other "m" words are ingested.

Moo Goo Gai Pan - something that you feel silly ordering...unless you're Hong Fu or someone.

Mammals - something that hangs around my house in abundance. Well, maybe not THIS much abundance, but close:

Friday, May 12, 2006


So. I met a guy. A nice guy. A polite guy. An older guy. Seriously, he's like almost 20 years older than me. But I don't care about that sort of thing when the guy is nice and polite. It's at the point now where I can just tell.....all I would need to do is give the universally accepted sign that I was interested and boom! We'd be dating and I'd probably be married by like...next month or something. These older guys don't play around....they're ready to get hitched so somebody can be cooking for them and washing those dirty socks.

I know all of you are going to yell at me.....but I just can't do it. I like him but I can't get interested....you know, genuinely interested. And it has nothing to do with his age, his looks, his interests....or anything, really. He's an ace guy. I'm the problem. I just feel dead inside romantically. All I can muster up is a benign LIKE. I like him. I like talking to him. I like it when we talk on the phone......but the part I like the best is when we're hanging up.

This isn't normal. I'm honestly thinking about a session or two with a shrink. I don't feel depressed, I just don't feel anything at all! And I'm certainly not going to drag some perfectly nice man into something that resembles a relationship when I am secretly starting to wonder if I have brain damage.

So Older Guy is going to move on and I'm going to let him. He'll have himself a new wife within 6 weeks....these older guys move at the speed of light when it comes to relationships. And I'm going to be happy for him. In the meantime, I am going to find myself a good shrink because I might need some sort of brain scan.

Thursday, May 11, 2006


Sooooo.....you think you're going to live forever, huh? Well, allow me to tell you a thing or two....YOU AIN'T!

One of these days, you're going to die. Yes, DIE! Dead dead dead! Most of us will not have advance notice....you know, time so we can head back to the house and clean up a bit. It's time to act and the time is now!!!!!

Get your life insurance updated.
Pre-plan for your funeral wishes.
And for God's sake....GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE!

If you're a girl....You better throw out those diaries or everyone will know just what you did....and just who you did it with.
If you're a guy....You better get rid of that secret lingerie collection or everyone's going to find out about your "little hobby".....
If you're Pete Doherty....They're going to find the crack pipes...and the crack too....oh wait, I don't think he cares.


Let's take my mother, for instance. She had her life insurance in order. She even pre-planned her funeral. But she neglected to GET RID OF THE EVIDENCE. So what happened?

Imagine the shock and dismay her children felt when confronted with indisputable evidence of her misbehaviors......

1980's Chippendales! With mullets! And just look at that smile on her face! Incorrigible!
Actually the guy on the left is the HOTNESS. In fact, I would bet the farm that wherever this guy is today....he's STILL hot! The other guy looks like he inhaled too much hairspray fumes. Those abs are mesmerizing though. YOU GO MAMA!!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006


No blog today due to another school project that was put off until the last minute. See ya tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006


I am not an unreasonable person. I understand that everyone out there works hard. I understand that things have worked the way they have worked for a hellava long time in this country. But for the love of God.....how come banks aren't open past 5:00 p.m.?

Now there is one bank here in my town that is open until 7:00.....but that's not the bank I need. The bank I need....their drive-through window is open until 6:00 p.m. Well, that's no good because my working hours have been from 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. lately. I called this bank today and asked them could I just put my paperwork in a sealed envelope and slide it under the door. NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT. I have to be there to hand it to a real live person, in person. This is the 21st century and to have to be present in person for anything is absolutely insane.

Which got me to thinking.....why aren't banks just open until like 9:00 at night? Its not like they don't have any money to pay people! I can understand that maybe you wouldn't be able to withdraw large sums of money for safety reasons.....but at least you could make deposits or sign paperwork or for God's sake, hand something to somebody IN PERSON. Just have a window open till 9:00! Its not like there's not people out there who wouldn't love to work from say.....1:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m. People need jobs! I need a bank that's open!


Monday, May 08, 2006


How do you know when you've been blogging too long? Here's a very good example.....

I was dreaming like crazy last night. One of my dreams was that I was on some kind of sight-seeing tour in a foreign country with a group of people. We were in an open air double decker bus. I was seated in the bottom area. And suddenly, terrorists appeared in the top of the bus and took over!! One terrorist had his assault rifle pointed down at all of us in the bottom, ready to shoot anyone who moved and they were all quite serious about the whole business. There was screaming and crying...and then there was me....I'm busy thinking "God if I live through this, the internets will NEVER believe this story when I blog about it!"

Even in my dream, the complete irony of the thought occurred to me. But it wasn't enough to make me wake up. And I still got a blog post out of it.

Friday, May 05, 2006


Thanks for all the menstrual empathy. You will be happy to know that not only did I eat chocolate.....but I ate creamy milk chocolate with crunchy peanuts and golden nougat or whatever that stuff is called. I kept the cussing to a bare minimum and I curled up in bed with my hot water bottle. I think I'm ready to face life again.

One thing has made me sad though. I was clicking through some old links that I hardly visit anymore....and lo and behold....someone has claimed
THE VIKING KING'S old URL address. I realize the true Viking King will never return to the internets and it makes me sad for ye olde helle-raising days of yore.

On a happier note, as I am typing this, Sparkle is at Myrtle Beach getting ready to see her one of her favoritest bands, H.I.M. Mom scored her some tickets since she got straight A's on the report card, it was recently her birthday and also because she has loved this band for like 4 or 5 years now and has never gotten to see them. I also bought her a "Crash The Barricade" ticket....so chances are really good that she will be on the front row. I wish I could be there to see her being a slobbering drooling H.I.M. groupie, I would be laughing my ass off at her....because I am just that kind of mother. Which is probably why she didn't want me to go.

Thursday, May 04, 2006


Wednesday, May 03, 2006


I really needed some good pictures with this post - but who has time? I'm lucky to get any writing done these days.

Today I had to take Sparkle to the dentist. Most people hate going to the dentist and I hate it too.....but only in the winter. You see, MY dentist office has an extra added attraction.

Right across the parking lot is a huge house that looks like it was built around the turn of the century. And whoever lives there has spent literally years growing the perfect butterfly garden. It is gorgeous. Parts of it are very sunny with a hundred million brilliant flowers and behind the house it is very shady with lots of greenery. I can hear some water gurgling like maybe there is a small shallow pool back there. And the butterflies! I won't say there are hundreds....but there's an awful lot of butterflies out there. They're all over the flowers, they are flying around playing with each other, they're busy doing all the things that butterflies do.

And I just stand there on the edge of the parking lot and stare like an idiot. I've never seen the owner of the house in all these years of going to that dentist and of course I would never dare to venture onto private property. I feel like I am standing on pavement at the edge of paradise. The butterflies will fly around my head....its like they are saying "come on in and let's have some fun!" and I want nothing more than to kick my shoes off and run to discover the wonders of that thick, overgrown, beautiful backyard.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006
THE WORLD, B.T. (Before Tool)


By the time you read this....May 2nd....Tool will have released their new CD called '10,000 Days'. I know a LOT of people who are looking forward to this CD. But what will we all do tonight? Go to bed at the usual time and get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow we'll cruise the CD store and pick up a copy or download it off iTunes. It all seems so sterile....I can't help but reminisce about major releases of the past.

Whoops...wrong tool.

First of all, the posters for a major release would show up in the record store windows. This was our only advance notice for a new release. The news would spread like wildfire amongst the kids and everyone would start calling the record shop at the mall to find out if they were going to stay open late the eve of the release. The record store would always say HELL NO but as the date drew near and the excitement was at fever pitch....they always gave in. Yes, they would be selling the new Pink Floyd (or whoever) beginning at midnight!

So if you wanted to buy the record, you'd better be in the mall before 9:00 p.m.....because that's when they were locking the doors. The result would be a big party of a whole bunch of teenagers that liked the same band you did, sitting around in an empty mall.

There were skateboarders giving exhibitions and once there was a rousing game of indoor wiffle ball. Usually someone had a boom box and there would be a gang of girls doing a synchronized dance they'd practiced. Girls would start practicing dances just so they COULD entertain everyone at a mall record party! Sometimes there was guitar and singing. It was just a really good vibe going on....and then someone would scream out "new Pink Floyd in 2 hours!" and everyone would be all "woooooooo" and raise hell for a minute....then calm down until another 20 minutes or so went by.

At midnight, the boxes were opened. You got your album and you got in line to pay. The album would be playing on the store stereo system and everyone would be digging into the album artwork while waiting to pay. And then....you left. You might could wait for a minute for your friends to get done but then your ass was thrown out of the mall ASAP.

There were kids that met for all night listening parties but I never did that...I always saved my all-nighters for concert tickets. I went home and went to bed so I could go to school the next day....but I'd be listening to my new album while I got ready for school!

Some notable album release date mall parties I attended:
Rolling Stones - Some Girls: I just looked up the release date....I was eleven years old!
Kiss - Rock and Roll Over

Led Zeppelin - Presence
Eagles - Hotel California
Pink Floyd - the Wall
Rush - Moving Pictures

Some album release mall parties I attended for albums that turned out not to be ALL THAT:
Rolling Stones - Emotional Rescue (mmmm...yawn)
The Who - Face Dances (excellent artwork, though)

Fleetwood Mac - Mirage (one of my very last album parties, too)

Monday, May 01, 2006


Here is the translation for my Mexican song, which has been nominated to be the Mexican National Anthem here in America!!! Can you believe it? Please bear in mind that I know nothing about Spanish and just used an English-to-Spanish website to compose it.....which never works out like its supposed to. (Greg from HASTY RUMINATIONS got it pretty close though!

Beautiful man-slut Johnny Depp!
We all desire you naked
All women they heart you
Dey awwana cetonya phace!

So now that you know the song, sing it loud and proud! And when its time to choose that Amercan Mexican National Anthem, just remember to vote for me.

Today was the first day of mowing season. Actually its the second time the yard has had to be mowed but my ex-husband did it the first time. Today was my turn and it kicked my butt. I don't have a riding lawn mower, just a push mower....and I swear the thing is getting harder to push every year. Actually its good exercise so its good for me to do it....and hopefully soon I won't need to fall face-down on the floor for two hours after I finish.