I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Friday, September 29, 2006


Thanks you guys for the encouragment on my essay. I believe I will post my rough draft on here this weekend, just to see what you guys think about it. I can get your valuable opinions and this would be an excellent time for you guys to see me not in "Brenda" mode. The essay isn't due in its completed form until Wednesday so there would be plenty of time for critique.

When I was in junior high school, I was in Advanced Placement English classes. I absolutely hated it. The teacher would give us 25 to 30 words each week, and we had to look 'em up, define 'em, and use 'em in a proper descriptive sentence. You couldn't have the word "aerie" and write "Oh look Roscoe! There is an aerie. How large it is!" It had better be something like "I spotted the bald eagle soaring above the lake through my binoculars, and tracked his progress until he alighted at his cliff-top aerie , where I could see tiny eaglets peeking over the side."

When you do that over and over and over for many years, and then have to take a test on them, you tend to learn at least a few words. One of the problems with my paper, according to Sparkle, is that there are too many "big words" and it makes people feel dumb. I'm like WHAT? To get specific, one of the words in the paper is "vilify". Everyone points at it and is like "huh?" I am a person who is totally comfortable using the word vilify in either a paper or a spoken sentence. Maybe this is why I am considered a geek? I'm keeping the word "Vilify" in my paper, you guys. GO GET A DICTIONARY.

But please, when I post my paper and you do a critique, please let me know if I am sounding too pretentious. Or (excuse me) too uppity. Uppity people in these here parts get ostracized - whoops, sorry - told to shut the hell up and go on home!

Open note to my "adopted children" - when you visit, please please don't screw the cap back onto the Pepsi bottle as if you are sealing the elixir for preservation for the next 10 generations. Your adoptive mother is strong, but yea, she ages even now as we now speak, and her elbow joints are not functioning as well anymore. I might get the top off, but I will pay and pay for it for at least two weeks. The proper way is to screw the top until you can feel that no air would be escaping, thus preserving the carbonation, which is the main goal. Me and my elbow joints thank you most kindly.

OKAY, Happy Friday and look for my paper to get posted this weekend. Thanks for all your help, I love you guys.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Let me fix you a cup of tea. Relax yourself and try to understand all of this.....I really want to communicate with you.

I worked and slaved all weekend over the rough draft of my very first essay in English class. I tried really hard and I wanted it to be great, because as you all know I haven't had to do any real formal writing in years. On the blog its like...anything goes, any way I want to say it. And concert reviews in a 'zine encourage you to bring any schizophrenia you might possess to the forefront.

My subject is an article by Mark Twain called "Running for President", which is very funny in that 19th century way that no one seems to find funny anymore. So I sat down and thought. I thought real hard. I wrote and rewrote and used quotes. I tried to be clear and concise. What I ended up is with a rough draft which I was about 92% happy with, this was something I felt okay about bringing to class with me.

So in class we covered some tips and tricks of the trade that helped me realize ways I could improve, so now I was feeling confident of a rewrite. And then......the Prof. asked us to trade papers with another member of the class so we could do a peer critique. I turned my paper over and got someone else's and went to work. It was a really good paper I was looking at, but like mine, it needed a bit of tightening up. I pointed out several strong sentences within the piece and recommended incorporating them into her thesis for a clearer understanding of the subject content. I also pointed out one "tuna fish" as we call them....a sentence which is just kind of hanging there and doesn't seem to belong with the subject of the paragraph. And all of this was done according to the accepted Southern Belle Guidelines....you know, when you just absolutely, positively have to criticize. I felt good about it all and couldn't wait to get my paper back.

So here it comes passed back to me. I take it and my heart is beating a little excitedly, I had really put in an effort here and I was ready to gauge what I thought I had done compared with someone else's perception of what it truly was. There was only a one sentence critique:

"I am lost."

This means (just in case you haven't understood a word I've written thus far) that my paper is so hopelessly hopeless that its just hopeless to even try to critique it as being hopeleess. Kind of like reading Ted Kaczinsky's Unabomer manifesto....you're like, you should probably read it, but it is so jumbled and erratic, why even bother? The dude's in jail anyway.

So you know what all this means? TOTAL REWRITE! Just like the people who brought us the Joey TV Series should have done, I am ditching the whole thing and starting from scratch. I am going to have to join the real world here. I am going to have to learn English. Its been fun joking around but I guess I'd better buckle down and learn my native language because no one understand WTF I'm talking about. See you "later" (Merriam Webster, 628).
Function: adverb: at some time subsequent to a given time : SUBSEQUENTLY, AFTERWARD -- often used with on )

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


School is wearing me out. To be honest, I thought that the curriculum, because it is sponsored by my employer, would be a little more geared towards the full-time employee....in other words, more in-class work. But they are handling it just like any other school....lots of lecture in class and piles of homework....hours and hours of it. I have already learned that I do not need to take more than one class per semester or I am not going to be able to handle the load. I am deep in it now....we still have 7 weeks to go, but I won't make the mistake of taking two classes at the same time again. Its going to take forever to get a degree - but what have I got but time, I guess.

Monday, September 25, 2006


Good morning Bloggers and surfers!

Sparkle is interested in a new guy who happens to be interested in classical music. He is also a prime speciman of Emo boy, which I have discussed in the past. I noticed that Sparkle was downloading classical music and asking me what pieces I had on CD. "AHA!" I thought. "Now is the perfect time to step in and educate! Perhaps if I take her to a concert while it is considered 'cool', it will foster a love of music that is not always electrically twanging!" So I ordered tickets for myself, her and the aforementioned Emo boy so we could all....you know....bond. I mean, if she's going to like him, I should get to know him, doncha think? And if we do something he is interested in, maybe he will view my daughter in a favorable light. We all win.

(And before you ask regarding last's week's entry, no marijuana was consumed before attending the symphony. But I did know someone else that used to do that!)

So off to the symphony we go. And we thoroughly enjoyed it. All the uppercrust people there were totally fascinated with the Emo boy, with his emo hair and bracelet made of bullets, lots of staring went on, but surely he's used to it.

Sparkle did great. She was very attentive and seemed to enjoy it. She only lost it once, when everyone was clapping for the conductor making his entrance (for the 4th time). She leans over to me and hisses "Are we going to have to clap every time his ass decides he's coming back on stage?" Good times.

So afterwards, I took the kids out to eat. Then things got a little strange. Emo boy, grinning at me impishly from under his firewall of emo-boy hair, chose topics of conversation concerning a movie about "really nasty transvestites" that he saw recently (Pink Flamingos?), a girl he knows that is into bondage, the occult and how late the local erotic movie place is open in our town. What the hell? Sparkle had a permanent smile glued to her face so there were no clues there. Was this kid putting me on or what? I uttered a lot of "oh really?"'s and "hmmmmm"'s the whole time. Yeah, I was pretty confused and somewhat annoyed. I mean, none of MY former love interests ever talked to my mother about such things....not that I know of, anyway. However, my mother was the kind that she would have gladly discussed any subject with him whether she knew what she was talking about or not. Why do I have so many problems with gaging social situations? Why don't I know whether he was being a smart-ass.....or if he really is just that damn strange? Why am I not real crazy about my daughter spending more time with this guy?

What the hell is wrong with you kids nowadays???

Saturday, September 23, 2006


Tell me if I'm being too sensitive here......

The Ex-Husband and I were discussing the considerable merits and achivements that our child has brought upon herself since her arrival in high school and gloating over how she is All That (and a bag of chips). And while discussing this, he stressed two points:
1. Our daughter has HIS common sense, but MY book sense.
2. Our daughter has HIS looks, but MY brains.

The implication being......I have no common sense or looks? Okay, I'll admit, I'm just a run-of-the-mill everyday gal in the looks department, J-Lo has nothing to fear from me. But I've never had any problems with scoring, I mean, my romantic problems now are pretty much self-imposed, I've set the bar pretty high for my next relationship....and willing to accept that I might be at my strongest emotionally if I'm not in a commitment. BUT DAMMIT, I COULD GET SOME IF I NEEDED IT BAD ENOUGH. And you know what, if I was to set my mind to it, I bet I could get it off of him!!!

No common sense? Am I not the one who manages to pull off this whole "Raising of the Child" business while balancing work, household and school? Do I not MAKE my meager finances stretch far enough and still buy some groceries? I have not been perfect by any means, but I think I score in the low 90's percentile! Am I not the one thinking ahead to avoid the pitfalls in the path? AM I NOT THE ONE WHO KNEW THAT MONKEYS HAD NOT BEEN PILOTING ACTUAL JETS SOLO?

The more I turn it over in my mind, I think that was always the main problem between us. He smiles and can make good conversation, but he always manages to work in an implied jab or two to try to undermine confidence, and he does it all the time in a million little ways. And I used to take that shit to heart back in the married days.

I'll always love him and have time for him because he is the father of my child, but he's going to have to find someone else to make him feel like he's "Da Bomb" in life. Gee, and so far I notice there's no takers.

You don't know what you're missing, ladies! YEAH RIGHT!

Friday, September 22, 2006


Only in North Carolina can you find strange things like

A big Ford truck sporting a "Tool" bumper sticker beside an "NRA" bumper sticker.

People smoking pot before going to the symphony.

People who think its a wonderful thing if you've been "shagging".....why, there's even a whole beach festival centered around shagging!

A weight-loss clinic sharing building space with a Baskin & Robbins.

Women who must get their hair "teased" and "set" every Wednesday before their Women's Rights meeting.

A pew full of dyed-and-pierced teenage punk rockers at the Baptist church on Sunday nights.

Women who refuse to walk to the mailbox unless they have a full face of make-up on.

Highly-paid executive CEO's who are totally stoked for "Mule Day" and "Merlefest".

A popular restaurant, right in the middle of a ghetto, called "Whitey's". Geez.

People who grow marijuana plants between their tomato plants.

Women who were asked to leave the Baptist church because they started dating again after getting a divorce.

People asked to leave the Pentecostal church because they were unable to tithe.

Rabid Clay Aiken fans that condemn homosexuality to the death.

And this isn't one of those cute "you know you're from North Carolina when..." lists. This is just people and things that I know of personally. How do I survive? That's easy, I just do a lot of smiling and nodding!

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I stole this celebrity quote from Joy Division's CELEBUTAUNT blog

"Being gay and being a woman has one big thing in common, which is that we both become invisible after the age of 42." Rupert Everett

Thank God, I haven't reached the age of invisibility yet! But let's face it, before I know it, I am going to be invisible. You know, there really is something to all that "Better to burn out than to fade away" stuff (Thanks a whole lot, Neil Young).

In other "I've lived past my prime" news, today I have my yearly (or in my case, every 2 years) physical. You know what that means, stirrups and chastisement. They'll be starting in on me first thing.....
"We never received the results of your last mammogram."
"That's because I never did one."
"So you have never had a mammogram at all?"
"That's right."

and it will all go downhill from there. I can't do it, I'm sorry. Its not like boobs are nothing but lumps of flesh hanging around....they're full of nerves and.......other stuff. I don't want them mashed flat. Just the thought of it gets me all teary-eyed, I'm teary-eyed now!! Let me tell you, the only way a mammogram will ever happen is if I happen to be knocked out cold. Maybe they can catch me on a Friday night the next time I decide to try Jagermeister shots.

Yes, I realize I am being a baby. I don't care what anybody thinks. Boobs were not meant to be mashed flat in machines. I will do the monthly self-exams and I'll donate money to breast cancer research and I will do loads of good deeds, but I not going to voluntarily submit to Tit Torture. Yes, I understand I am running a risk. But look at it this way, I don't care because I'm soon going to be invisible anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


"So Brenda", you may be thinking (or not), "what's been the hardest thing about returning to school after 20 years?"

"Is it having to go to class from 6:00 to 10:00 twice a week?"
No, it isn't the hardest thing.....although that part is hard!

"Is it trying to stretch your mind after years drooling nothingness?"
No, that part has been kind of easy.

"Is it getting used to having 80 pages of homework in one sitting?"
Well, that one is certainly in the top 5, but not the hardest part!

"So Brenda, what IS the hardest part of returning to school?"
That would be having purchased a used textbook and finding multiple mummified boogers in between the pages.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! GOD! Couldn't they have at least had the courtesy to arrange them in the shape of the Virgin Mary!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. I honestly went to Google searching for a picture of a "school girl" thinking that would be what I would find. Dont do it.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


All I can say, folks, is keep stopping by and checking.....like a tsunami, an update could happen around here at ANY TIME!

I found myself having to do some waiting around the other day and I picked up a stray magazine to amuse myself. I'm pretty sure it was a TIME magazine, but don't quote me on that. But Lo and Behold, there was a whole article in this magazine about blogging. It told all about the blogging phenomenon and how anyone can do it. It also gave tips about keeping a good blog. (The number one rule was to UPDATE REGULARLY.) But it also revealed that the best, most popular blogs were about one subject only. In other words, you should keep a political blog, a sewing blog, a book review blog, etc. and keep it at that.

No wonder I'm not getting famous, people! My blog is about absolutely everything....yet nothing at all! I guess you could say its about the subject of ME, that's pretty boring! Yet, its all I can write about with any authority. Sure, I know other things, but not enough to keep a whole blog on. I can see me with a political blog:
Sept 18 - Bush sucked today.
Sept 19 - Bush really sucked today!
Sept 20 - Bush, still sucking.

Maybe I should get a blog makeover. The theme of my blog is kind of like "her own little world". Maybe I should make it more like "her slow descent into schizophrenic madness". And if you send your email address, I could send you a little chart where you can plot the progress of the slow descent, kind of like those hurricane tracking maps.

So what do you think makes a good blog?

Sunday, September 17, 2006


The new rules for my blog are this....there are no rules. Just like the Pope has managed to piss off the most dangerous religious group in the world (hope that Popemobile is in good working order), anything might be said on this blog with no regard for consequences. What does it matter anymore? Because after the Pope has opened his big mouth, World War III is going to break out and we're all going to die anyway.

Here's how it will happen.....first the Muslims will take care of the Pope....then they will somehow find a way to blame America for it all....and then Catholic churches everywhere will be under attack. The radical Baptists, always up for a good jab at the Catholics, will encourage all of this. Our current government will back the Baptists and the Baptists will form an alliance with the Muslims....but that is never going to work and the Muslims will take the Baptists out, too. About that time, Mel Gibson is going to fall off the wagon and go off on the Jews again, at which point the Jews are going to take Hollywood and most of Southern California off the map. Our current government is going to back Mel Gibson....which will enrage the Israelis. Once the Israelis get mad, the entire Middle East is going to explode against the Israelis. North Korea at this time will figure....hey! Now's a good time to try out those nuclear weapons we've been testing! And we'll test them out on.....Africa! because the Jews already took Hollywood and Angelina Jolie off the map so she won't be there and nobody seems to care what happens to poverty-stricken Africa except.....BONO! North Korea quickly changes their plans to instead annihilate Ireland so they can take care of Bono. Our current government will back this action because they hate Bono, too. But North Korea miscalculates their Russian-acquired uranium strength and they take out the entire hemisphere, leaving only North America and Latin America. The Canadians will then decide they've had enough of our Canadian jokes and declare war. They'll take out the Northern U.S...while Mexico takes care of the Southern half. This will leave Fidel Castro as the sole ruler of what's left of the world.

Friday, September 15, 2006



This one is for the guys....you've all been told that "no means no!" Yet your buddies will wink at you and tell you that "no really means yes". It can be confusing for a guy to sort all this conflicting information. This is why you should read blogs by people like me. ;-)

Let's say you have met a pretty girl and you decide that yes, I would love to nail this chick with my magic wang. You make your move and she gives you the Big NO. What does this mean? Are those public service commercials right or are you going to believe the advice of Dick Blemish who hangs down at the service station?

Never fear, Planet Brenda is here. Now let's get down to business. Fellas, I am sorry to inform you...."no" really does mean "no". However.....there are varying degrees of "no". It is up to you to recognize and identify them. Here are the 3 "No's" of dating:

1. NO!! - It is spoken in a loud, short "I mean business" tone of voice, usually accompanied by pushing you away and asking to be taken home. When you hear a "no" of this nature....I am telling you right now....you better back off right then or assault charges and sex offender registration is in your immediate future.
2. NooooooOooo - it is spoken in a drawn out, meaningful way, usually accompanied by a slap in the face. When you hear a "no" of this nature, the closest interpretation is "Sucka, you better get outta my grill cause I'm gettin' ready to Fuck. You. Up." Girls who use "no" in this way can usually kick your ass. So you're looking at possible hospitalization AND assault charges, just to add insult to injury.
3. Noooooooo-wah! - The "no" is drawn out with a barely discernable "wah" at the end, kind of like Metallica lyrics. The girl is usually holding you away from her but she's only slightly mad. What does this mean? It means "I am NOT going to have sex with you, but GAH! you're cute and stuff...if you'd take me out to dinner and maybe a movie and act like a man instead of an orangutang, I might would lay some on you!!!!"

So basically, "no" means "no" at all times. When you hear "No"...that means "no sex for you".....however, keep in mind that if you hear a "noooooo-wah" ....then there is hope for you later on, if you act like a gentleman.

And all the other girls just give in and have a date every single weekend.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


I went to my Wednesday class and it was good too. The instructor is a nice lady who seems funny and interesting. It seems like I lucked out on instructors this semester.....a totally hot guy on Mondays and a funny and interesting lady on Wednesdays. Whoda thunk that higher education could actually rock?

I think I am going to start back blogging on the weekends because I can already tell that I am probably going to miss some during the week. So put me back on your weekend reading achedule.

And now I leave you to ponder my latest dead rock star obsession:

I've read too many RIP Syd articles. I got into Pink Floyd heavily in my senior year of high school. I feel the need to go back and re-explore.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


I can't blog! 10,000 things are happening and Sparkle has decided that she's taking over the computer or something. She finally got off the thing last night at 10:30 and I'm like "forget it". Ognir, I received the Jeff Tweedy CDs and I can't wait to listen to them! Thank you thank you, and I will send you a more proper thank you when I can. (I'm actually blogging this from work!) And then tonight I have school until 9:00! Are my blogging days over?

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


This is truly a blog entry on the run. I started school last night and let me just tell you first thing....my Monday instructor.....he is HOT! I am crushing very hard on him. He's perfect, absolutely perfect.....which means he's probably gay or otherwise emotionally unavailable to me. How am I supposed to concentrate on Egyptian hieroglyphics when there are dimples flashing and he looks so good in those dress slacks? Plus, the guy seems to know everything about everything, I can just sit back and enjoy the view and get a degree in the process. You couldn't ask for more. Can't wait to see what Wednesday holds in store.

The only bad thing is this teacher has been told that our school night ends at 10 o' freakin' clock at night!!!! While the rest of us are protesting 9:00! I hope its 9:00....it was all I could do last night to just come home and die. 5:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. is a long time to be anywhere. But, I knew what I was getting into.

Okay, gotta run and get ready! Love you all and I'm going to try to make blog rounds either today or tonight!

Monday, September 11, 2006


Its the anniversary no one wants to remember but we have to remember. Americans attacked on American soil. My Dad would have never believed it. I've been reading some 9/11 conspiracy websites lately. I don't know what happened....except that a lot of people died. Take a moment today and remember.

I start school tonight - 2 nights a week. I'll tell you more about it later.

Friday, September 08, 2006


So Suri Cruise has finally arrived from the Mother Ship and she is quite the cute little alien! However, the first thing that struck me while looking at the pictures:

Um. Hmmmm. Wow. I could possibly make millions of dollars off Crazy Tom by selling him early baby pictures of Sparkle!! The only difference is that Suri Cruise is Emo while Sparkle was obviously Punk! While everybody else is saying that Suri Cruise is wearing a wig, I'm thinking "oh no, you ain't SEEN strange hair yet!"

I'm just trying to figure out how the Scientologists could have obtained my eggs and my ex-husband's sperm......because you know Tom Cruise didn't fertilize this child. Or maybe MY child is secretly a Scientologist....*screams*

However, I wish Tom and Katie Holmes good luck and hope that their Suri turns out as pretty as my Sparkle:

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Nature TV before Steve Irwin: nature photographers found a nice little spot to set up and used zoom lens to capture all the animal action.

After Steve Irwin: he revolutionized the "get right up there and fuck with the animal" nature TV.

Don't get me wrong, I liked the guy a lot. Sparkle really loved him. His luck just ran out, I guess.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I escaped the worst of the storm! Its rained a lot, and some wind, but nothing major. But now I have to go out in it and go to work. Why do this storms always come around on weekdays?