I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Friday, January 20, 2006


The working atmosphere at Conglomo is kind of like being at college....it is its own little world unto itself with its own special set of rules. But instead of puking at midnight in dormitory stairwells, Conglomo's rules of behavior are super-professional. Always straight-laced, always proper, no eccentric humor allowed (I'm living such a lie!). And there must never, ever be confrontation and anger, unless you are meeting with your boss behind closed doors maybe. And then its gonna be the boss that's doing the confronting and angering.

Well, leave it to Crazy Woman to throw all the rules out the door. She was unsure about some of her work today, so she goes to the boss, Mr. Smooth Operator. So Smooth Operator tells her that she needs to see his assistant, Bertha Butt, about the exact processes for handling that particular work.

So Crazy Woman says to him "What do you do?" and he laughingly replied "I don't do anything, all day long." He thought things were fine, but he doesn't know Crazy Woman. I thought I heard some percolating sounds, which was probably the blood pumping through her veins. Uh oh, not a good sign. She gets REAL loud and REAL hostile, and she says, "I'm not kidding! WHAT do you DO? WHAT is your FUNCTION? You're telling me I need to see Bertha Butt on how to do this....I guess from now on I should always ask Bertha Butt because what you are telling me is that you don't know how to DO anything!"

Let me stop right here to explain that this is why I will never be the boss. They could hand the job to me on a silver platter and I'd never ever accept it. Handling people like this in the Conglomo-accepted professional fashion is just NOT IN MY NATURE.

When I am confronted in a similar fashion, the first thing that happens is disbelief. Then I feel embarassed for just a slight second, then complete anger blinds me for a few. If I could let it all loose, I'd be okay. But AHA! You can't DO anything about it except handle it in a professional manner! So you take that big blob of anger and slowly CHOKE. IT. DOWN. At this point, my blood pressure bottoms out and I literally feel sick. My legs shake and I'm twitching like Eddie Vedder singing "Jeremy". All of this emotion happens over a period of one minute and its this kind of thing that's killing executives all over the nation.

Swallow that anger! Swallow it.....swallow it.....

Well, back to the story. They don't call him Smooth Operator for nothing. He was so smooth, he was like a baby's butt in a pan of baby oil. He simply and sternly told Crazy Woman that Bertha Butt's expertise was in processes, and that she needed to see Bertha Butt for the answer to her question. The end. Crazy Woman stalks off and Smooth Operator goes back to his desk. He truly deserves to be the boss, because within the minute he is shuffling papers and crunching on his Cheetos....no emotional upheaval, no choking on blind rage, no panic attacks. He didn't even blush!

He did talk a bunch of shit about Crazy Woman after she went home though.
See ya on Monday!