I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, November 15, 2005


The big gossip in town right now concerns one of our local Burger King restaurants. It opened for business as usual one fine morning and was shut down by the time lunch rolled around. The lady at the hot dog stand across the street made a killing that afternoon, as everyone who was going to go get lunch at Burger King found out it was mysteriously closed down....and headed across the street to the hot dog place instead. In fact, so many people showed up that she said she had to put an emergency call through to their other restaurant (on the hot (dog) line? har har har) to bring more weenies, stat!

So why did Burger King shut down? And not only did it close down, everything was removed from the premises! There's a happy little sign out front that leads one to believe that the owner had reluctantly decided that the joys of running a fast food restaurant just couldn't compare any longer with the pleasures of a Florida retirement. Planet Brenda's official statement on the matter is "Bullshit!" I did a little investigative snooping and found out the Food Inspector was making the rounds in that section of town on the day in question! It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the Food Inspector walked into that Burger King, took in all the nastiness that IS Burger King, and shut those bitches down for good.

I bet there was whole chicken heads in the frying grease, green goo in the milkshake machines, and Whoppers in all the toilets. The pickles were sprouting hairs. They were using buns to wipe up the grease off the counters and serving them up when they were done. And we won't even go in the special sauce aspect of the whole ordeal. Bleeeech!

A long time ago we had a Hardee's restaurant that got closed down because drug dealers were trafficking through the drive-thru! Apparently you could pull up to the speaker to order....and if you knew the right password, you could get a Hot Ham and Cheese, Large Fry, and Super-Sized portion of Coke to go!

That'll be $137.25, please drive up! And there would be your little package, nestled in a bed of ketchup packets. I am not kidding you guys, I wish I was.

You can't make this stuff up.

I think I'll just stay in tonight and make a nice no-surprises salad...and there will only be the artificial DNA used to grow them to worry about! Happy Dining!