I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Monday, April 25, 2005


I spoke to an old friend of mine the other day and she happened to mention the Freak Brothers. I just threw my head back and laughed with happiness, the FREAK BROTHERS! What a great memory for me. Everybody knew who the Freak Brothers were and I just happened to be friends with them. It got me to thinking a lot about them and then I just had to get the pencil and paper out:

Here's the Freak Brothers as the Author (that would be me) remembers them, Freak #1 on left, Freak #2 on right. Notice #2 is in the act of slipping a cassette tape into his pocket.

The Freak Bros. were actual brothers, although it is doubtful that they had the exact same parents. Both were rather dark-complected, but Freak #1 was a lot darker than #2, maybe part Asian and extremely handsome ( I thought so, anyway). #2 was almost androgynous-looking and totally adorable. They were two scruffy boys who were always too skinny and always needed a haircut. Even when they got haircuts they still needed haircuts. Freak #1 was the older one but they were so close in age it didn't matter. #1 was laid back and always had a little smirk on his face, while #2 was a bit more fiery and mischevious. And they didn't have very much home life or home training....these boys were as wild as the wind.

Whenever I got a class with one of them (usually art classes), I always made sure to sit near where they were, because they were so hilarious. They totally didn't care about anything and were always in trouble and I didn't want to miss out on all the many jokes. I hardly ever got in trouble in school but both of them managed to get me in trouble on two seperate occasions. The first time was when #1 designed an alarmingly realistic penis out of clay, snuck it into the teacher's chair, doused it with lighter fluid and set that bad boy on fire. I laughed until I thought I would die. The teacher called my mom that night and told her that I was guilty of egging the flaming dildo situation on by laughing so much. The other time was in a class with #2 and a gang of us were sitting at a back table, laughing and joking. The teacher decided to single me out to move to a table by myself. I move myself and my stool over to the lonely table. About that time, tiny #2 explodes and tells her "NO I WANT HER TO SIT HERE" and walks over to me, grabs my stool, (with me still in it), and drags me back to his table. The teacher runs overs, screaming at #2, grabs my stool (with me still in it) and tries to drag me back to my lonely table. A tug of war ensues. I mostly got in trouble for laughing my ass off again that day, but #2 got slapped with a suspension over that one.

They could be annoying. Freak #1 was always wanting you to take him to the store....then would try to bum a few bucks off of you when you finally got him there. Freak #2 had the maddening habit of stealing cassette tapes. You would see him walking by the road, pick him up and give him a ride....and while chatting you up with all the latest gossip, he would be slipping your favorite cassette tape into his pocket. Neither of the boys had absolutely any manners....they had no problem with the concept of something like repeating their fart jokes in front of your parents. #1 once told my mother "Hey, you look just like a really old version of Brenda!" You can imagine how well THAT little comment went over.

They never missed the school dances. They usually just played Master of Ceremonies with the other guys in the parking lot, but they would come in for the last hour or so of the dance. And I was on their dance card. It just wasn't a school dance until I'd danced with a Freak Brother. Freak #2 was a great dancer....he was all twisting hips and hair-shaking. I'm sure he got a lot of practice dancing to all those cassette tapes he'd stolen. Everyone always wanted to dance with him. Freak #1 was a terrible dancer, most of his dances ending up being "Air Guitar" demonstrations, totally awkward, all over the floor, very much showing off. I usually did a standard step-clap, step-clap and let him have his limelight. I liked it a lot, though, when he would ask me to slow dance. He would hold me close in his smelly smoke-and-God-only-knows-what-else-infested Army jacket and whisper nice things to me that made me feel really good about myself.

One of the last times I saw the Freak Brothers, they stopped by my house with some other people. My stepmother insisted everyone stay for supper. I was totally mortified, convinced they would start a farting contest at the table or something, but they were behaving themselves. However, some friends of my parents arrived unannounced, so they left the table and went outside to socialize. As soon as they were gone, the Freak Brothers grabbed all the potatoes, gravy, beans, bread, whatever we were having, made huge piles of food on their plates and began gobbling it up like zoo animals. Much laughter and gaiety ensued, but as I watched them it dawned on me that these boys were really hungry....had they EVER had a home-cooked meal? It made me feel sad.

And as school friends often do....we drifted apart. I couldn't tell you what ever happened to them. They were really good boys, yeah they probably sold a boatload (or more!) of pot in their time, and they had a gold mine in contraband cassette tapes, but they were good people at heart.....just a little misguided. Part of me wishes hard that they married some really nice Freak girls and have a passel of Baby Freaks between the two of them. That they found good jobs and are following all the rules of society. Part of me seriously doubts that this ever happened.

I miss you, Freak Brothers.