I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Thursday, April 28, 2005


Southern lessons: if you want to be southern, you'd better learn some politically correct manners. Hurting other people's feelings is not allowed or you're not going to be invited to any pig-pickin's........therefore you will miss out on all the free keg beer. Here's a handy reference guide, print it off and memorize it, you rude loser.

How to Speak about Women
1. She is not a "babe" or a "chick". She is a "Breasted American".
2. She is not a "screamer" or a "moaner". She is "Vocally Appreciative."

3. She is not "easy". She is "Horizontally Accessible".
4. She is not a "dumb blonde". She is a "Light-haired Detour Off the Information Superhighway".
5. She has not "been around". She is a "Previously Enjoyed companion".
6. She is not an "air head". She is "Reality Impaired".
7. She does not get "! drunk" or "tipsy". She gets "Chemically Inconvenienced".
8. She does not have "breast implants". She is "Medically Enhanced."
9. She does not "nag" you. She becomes "Verbally Repetitive".
10. She is not a "tramp" - She is "Sexually Extroverted".
11. She does not have "Major League Hooters". She Is "Pectorally Superior".
12. She is not a "two-bit hooker". She is a "Low Cost Provider".

How To Speak About Men
1. He does not have a "beer gut". He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility".
2. He is not a "bad dancer". He is "Overly Caucasian".
3. He does not "get lost all the time". He "investigates alternative destinations".
4. He is not "balding". He is in "Follicle Regression".
5. He is not a "cradle robber". He prefers "generationally differential relationships".
6. He does not get "falling-down drunk". He becomes "Accidentally Horizontal".
7. He does not act like a "total ass". He develops a case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion".
8. He is not a "Male Chauvinist Pig". He has "Swine Empathy".
9. He is not afraid of "commitment". He is "relationship challenged".
10. He is not "horny". He is "sexually focused".
11. It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants. It's "rear cleavage".