Planet Brenda

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

MORE ADVENTURES FROM CONGLOMO

If you've been reading my blog for awhile, you already know that I'm lame. Well, here's something else you can add to your list of lame things I've done, in case you're keeping track. Yesterday my boss at Conglomo called everyone together and told us that he had news for us - that he had gotten a promotion. Everyone was surprised, some were shocked, everyone was congratulating him......but me, I start crying. I hate myself for it, but that's what I did. It wasn't like I was snorting and bellowing and blowing snot everywhere, but I did get all teary-eyed and moronic. Is that not the stupidest thing ever?

But please allow me to explain myself. Before he came along, I had the Boss From Hell. She was so bad that she no longer works for Conglomo and it wasn't by choice that she no longer works there (that means she got fired, silly). The Boss From Hell hated me for reasons both known and unknown, and did everything she could to hold me down. On the Departmental Totem Pole, I was like the round base structure at the bottom, which usually gets buried in the ground so everyone else can sit atop of it safely.

But then came THE Boss. Not only did he totally turn our department around as far as our work, but he let me know he believed in me in lots of little ways. I have more responsibility now and I've been given plenty of opportunities to prove myself. I mean, I have no aspirations to become a huge business mogul in life, riding high on the corporate structure, but I do appreciate that someone appreciates me and the things I can accomplish. That kind of stuff means a lot as we slosh our way through this swamp pit called life.

So yeah, I cried some. Somebody please just shoot me now. And don't forget I want to be cremated and thrown into the sea.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:48 AM |

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

PETE DOES IT AGAIN

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From the Pete Doherty Trainwreck Desk: Pete Doherty has been at it again. This time he fought a guy from the band Razorlight at the Leeds Festival. Just another thing you can add to the list until his Final Meltdown....and its coming, lads, its coming. I don't think the British people quite know what to do with Pete.....they need to handle him the American way, with some good 'ol anger management courses!!!! They solve everything.

I just want to let you guys know not to be mad at me or think I am abandoning you this week. I have a really big project going on at work. (Lots and lots of overtime). I am trying to cram in a lot of hours this week because I won't be able to during the holiday weekend coming up. Its basically going to be work, food, sleep...in that order....for the rest of the week. So if you don't get a response to an email....or if I'm not lurking in your comments like I usually do....I promise I'll catch up to you this weekend. Don't desert me! And I'll still try to blog at least a bit every day.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 12:46 PM |

Sunday, August 28, 2005

LECTURE OF THE DAY

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This post inspired by something I read in the comments of some other person's blog:

The only thing you are entitled to in life are food, clothing and shelter. And you're entitled to those only if you live in a "civilized" country. Everything else is just icing on the cake. Are you bitching because you don't have everything you want? Well, shut up. You're alive. You have food, clothing and shelter. Nobody owes you anything in life. God doesn't owe you anything, either.

So often people just don't realize how good they really have it in life. There's too much greed. And not enough love to go 'round for everyone. Get busy appreciating.

That is all.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 10:09 AM |

Friday, August 26, 2005

TODAY IS FRIDAY

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DISCLAIMER: Do NOT read while eating lunch or other gratuitous dining.

Wow. I've sat on this story for a while....I have been very unsure how I was going to tell the story, or if I was even going to tell the story at all. It is of a very delicate nature. But its ruined my life for long enough....I gotta tell it.....and thus exorcise the demon and ruin YOUR life.

This actually happened to my sister and her husband like maybe 2 months ago. If it had happened to me, you would still be hearing me screaming, no matter where you live.

On a Friday night Sis and the hubby were hanging out at home together when someone starts pounding on the front door. Sis answers it and it is their next-door neighbors....a couple I will call Jack and Jill.

Now we've always suspected Jill wasn't quite right in the head. There's just certain things that made us think this that I won't go into now. When Sis answers the door, Jill runs in the house and is like "I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM" and takes off down the hall. Jack comes in and explains that he and Jill have locked themselves out of the house and she needed to use the restroom. He sits down and starts chatting with Sis and the hubby.

Sis said that Jill was in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. No sounds are coming from the bathroom. Sis was getting ready to ask Jack if maybe they should check on her when finally she hears the toilet flushing. She does NOT hear water running...like maybe Jill might be washing her hands...but whatever. Yuck.

Finally Jill comes out and there is some chatting (and a big whiff of rancid air) and finally Jack and Jill are leaving. Sis and her hubby are at the door saying good-bye. As J & J are walking down the front steps, Sis and hubby realize that both of Jill's entire back legs are coated in a sheet of.....poo. Yes, poo. They close the door and both of them are like "OH MY GOD, did you see that???"....when suddenly a dreaded thought hits Sis. Oh no. God no. Oh no, no. no.

She goes to her bathroom, opens the door....and what do you think? There's poo everywhere. Poo all over the floor. Poo on the toilet. Poo on the back of the toilet. POO ON THE WALLS!

Sis said she could not have been any more devastated than if she had walked in and discovered a murder victim laying there in the bathroom. She retched, she gagged, both her and her husband were crying. Finally, they just ended up closing off the bathroom and going to bed. Sis said she cried herself to sleep.

Next morning, Sis was up bright and early with surgical mask, latex gloves, and gallons of antibacterial cleaner. The entire bathroom got stripped down. The bathroom throw rugs were thrown away and replaced with new ones. The toilet seat was thrown away and replaced. Everything got scrubbed, scrubbed again, and scrubbed yet again. Every single thing on the bathroom counter was sterilized or thrown away. New toothbrushes, the works. God bless my sister, she got that bathroom clean again.

But my mind reels. WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING??? That they wouldn't find it? She goes into the bathroom and has a major assplosion....and then just walks away? Is the girl insane? Normal people don't do this....or least if they do, they feel compelled to clean up after themselves. I felt soooooo bad for my sister, having to deal with this highly unnatural FECAL FIASCO.

And they haven't seen the girl since then. Sis has said she is NEVER going to let her back in the house, and she's going to tell her why, too. I think this is showing phenomenal restraint. I honestly can't say what I would have done if this shitstorm had occurred at my house. I believe I would have started screaming and just never stopped.

Better yet, I would have gone directly over to Jill's house, grabbed her by the hair, dragged her back to my house and rubbed her nose in it till she begged for mercy or lost consciousness, whichever came first, all the while spewing obscenities at her. HOLY SHIT, even us Southerners have our rudeness limits!!!!!

So, that's that. I just had to tell you guys this story. Maybe now that I have it off my chest, I can move on. And the moral is: don't let anybody in your bathroom. Ever.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 10:33 AM |

Thursday, August 25, 2005

PETS, PETS AND MORE PETS

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Just a reminder - if you haven't already, go check out the band Elijahfell at www.myspace.com/elijahfell . The band includes our very own fellow blogger Ryan Brush. I would include a link to the blog but I need to look up the HTML (because I am not very smart)....and I'm at work. So do yourself a favor and click on "Monkey Trauma Center" in my Alternate Universe section.

Hey, check out the bubble nest that Lord Fishbein III made:

He seems really happy here. His bowl is on the kitchen counter where he's right in the middle of all the action. He likes watching me in the kitchen cooking or cleaning up and he likes it when there's a load of teenagers hanging around. I bought some plants for the bowl today so he'll be getting his crib decorated. I'm telling you, there's really something special about this fish. He's going to BE SOMEBODY.

Here's a close-up of Snakie, who does have an actual name, but I can't remember what it is. Notice how he's shedding on top of his head. Just from observing him, I don't think skin-shedding is very comfortable for snakes. He has been coming out to bask a lot, I guess to let the light dry up the skin to make it easier to shed.

I don't hate the snake anymore and I have abandoned all plans to poison him (not that you people were forthcoming with the arsenic I had asked for). In fact, I watch over him a lot more than Sparkle is doing. He's on the prowl in his tank now for a mouse, and he just had one a week ago! He was going every TWO weeks between feedings before. He's getting hungrier quicker, and I think its all becoming a little bit more than Sparkle ever thought it was going to be. Its too late now, though, she's got a baby to care for and who knows how long he'll live? That'll teach her to just show up at the house with a pet snake.

He's really cute when he yawns though....I never knew snakes yawned.

No pics of the hamsters or the kitties today....the hamsters won't be out till tonight and the kitties are somewhere roaming. However, they are doing good too.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 10:55 AM |

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

ELIJAHFELL

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Here we have 4 young men who are musicians. When these 4 young men musicianate together, they are known as ElijahFell. They are from southern California and are on the brink of stardom. They are as yet unsigned but this could change at any moment. And from the darkest depths of their souls, they have emitted a beautiful rock and roll masterpiece called "Skyline". You can hear this for yourself at www.myspace.com/elijahfell , where 4 songs from the EP are located. You will also be able to purchase your very own copy of this EP in about 2 weeks, I'll let you know more when the time comes. And yes, one of these guys is Ryan from my blog comments. Yay Ryan!

Speaking of music, I've been working on updating my Cosmic Sounds listing with classic rock bands from when I was younger. I've hesitated adding a lot of these because a lot of it I don't listen to much anymore. Its still the same great music, but I want it to stay special and not get worn out, like some of the songs from classic rock radio has totally ruined for me....simply by playing them so many times. But I grew up with the stuff and it influenced me...boy did it influence me.

Its been a pure pleasure adding links to bands like Cream and the Who....but I have to admit to you that there's a couple of bands I'm NOT adding, even though I was nuts about them when I was a kid. There's a certain southern rock band that got crammed down my throat by an ex-boyfriend (anyone here remember Blab?) until I couldn't stand it another second and never wanted to hear them again. And then there's this certain ummm.....made-up rock band that has totally ruined anything special they ever had with market saturation, commercialism, and scabbery...IMHO. Any guesses? I do not want these two bands on my list.

I'm going to put Fleetwood Mac on there, but I'm not really happy about it. I reached a dangerous saturation level with them too. I happen to think Lindsay Buckingham is a musical genius though, so they go on the list.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:17 AM |

Monday, August 22, 2005

LAWN MOWER RESIGNATION

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I've officially gone on strike. I got the front yard mowed and looking pretty decent....but its just too freaking hot to mow the back. Not only that, but I'm not mowing the back yard ANY MORE until this heat wave breaks. And I DO NOT care what anyone might think. Its all woods back there anyway, its not like there are neighbors that have to look at an eyesore of a "lawn". I am sick, sick, sick of hot weather.

I don't think I've ever been so stoked for September.

I read that last night's Ozzfest in California was a complete disaster. Apparently Sharon and Ozzy have been feuding with Bruce Dickinson, who is lead singer for one of the other bands on the bill, Iron Maiden. Last night was Iron Maiden's last date on the tour, so Sharon arranges for some guy to be out in the audience to pelt the band with eggs and has the sound guy cut power to the PA 3 or 4 times during Maiden's biggest hits. Then she comes out after Maiden's set and starts giving a speech about how Bruce Dickinson is such a prick....only to be confronted with thousands of fans screaming "Maiden! Maiden!" Apparently a lot of people left before Black Sabbath came out. Good for them, I would have left too....I love Iron Maiden.

Ugh. How unprofessional can you get? People paid a hellava lot of money to see that show. They wanted to see a good show, not have to watch one of Sharon Osbourne's dramas unfold. Now Velvet Revolver is going to be in Iron Maiden's slot for the rest of the tour.....I wonder how long that's going to last???? If I were managing a top-name band, there's no way I'd ever put my band in the Ozzfest line-up after that stunt.

And despite the sabotage, by all accounts Iron Maiden was on fire last night and rocked the house. YEAH!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:00 AM |

Sunday, August 21, 2005

HUNTER S. THOMPSON GETS BLOWN OUT OF A CANNON

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There was a big party tonight out at Hunter S. Thompson's ranch in Colorado. The writer apparently had a wish to have his ashes shot out of a cannon after his death. I'm not really sure of the significance of having his ashes shot out of a cannon....but this IS Hunter S. Thompson we're talking about. The 'why' part doesn't matter. And now, of course, he is dead....he killed himself earlier this year....he was apparently having problems dealing with his declining health and wanted to leave the world in his own way.

So who's making sure that Hunter S. Thompson is getting his ashes shot out of a cannon, just as he always wanted?

"We had talked a couple of times about his last wishes to be shot out of a cannon of his own design," [Johnny] Depp told The Associated Press last month. "All I'm doing is trying to make sure his last wish comes true. I just want to send my pal out the way he wants to go out."

Johnny Depp is hot, he's talented, AND he's a loyal BFF to the very end. Evolution has succeeded: the perfect man has been achieved.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:42 AM |

Saturday, August 20, 2005

PANTALOONS AND STOCKINGS

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QUESTION: Could I be any happier right now?
ANSWER: No.

And why is this you ask? Because......

FOOT SOAK!!!!!
Flowers not included though.

I got out my Avon Foot Soak and my little inflatable foot tub, which was free with the purchase of the Foot Soak. And as incredibly stupid as it is, I filled the tub here at the computer and I'm soaking my feet while I read blogs and do some blogging myself. Pure heaven.

Yes, I know that at any minute this inflatable tub could spring a leak and water could run into the unbelievable maze of wire behind the computer desk....but am I worried? No. Because after all, we all know about my legendary Good Luck in Life. If not electrocution, then something else will just get me. Only I could invent the concept of the Extreme Foot Soak.

And OH MY GOD, I got some hot Johnny Depp news today.

Johnny Depp has a new movie coming out really soon called "The Libertine". This small but IMPORTANT fact had escaped my attention, mostly because there's been hardly any publicity. Its not a commercial flick like "Pirates of the Caribbean" or "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory" either. This is one of Johnny's artsy fartsy flicks that we love him so much for. Here is a movie synopsis from....um....some website or other, I forgot:

The story of John Wilmot (Depp), a.k.a. the Earl of Rochester, a 17th century poet who famously drank and debauched his way to an early grave, only to earn posthumous critical acclaim for his life's work.

Woah, dudes! Johnny Depp....on the silver screen.....drinking and debauching....and quite possibly wearing those 1600's-style pantaloons and stockings....I'm overwhelmed just thinking about it!! I am soooooo there!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:11 AM |

Friday, August 19, 2005

BLOGGER MIA!!!!

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HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BLOGGER?

Name: Christine
Blog: Blog Bucket
Has Not Been Heard From Since: July 18, 2005

I worry about my favorite bloggers when they disappear. Now in all fairness to Christine, there was something said about a new job....so I know she's probably just busy. That is if she hasn't been HIJACKED BY SCIENTOLOGISTS or something. So Christine, if you're out there.....please check in, sweetie. You are missed.

I have things I want to blog about, but I really want to go to bed and read much worse. It all boils down to one big problem:

And I think this would be the perfect book to cuddle up with:

I'll talk to ya when I'm feeling like a human being again. Later!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 10:57 AM |

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

BLAST FROM THE PAST

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My sister sent me the following picture today....and I got all nostalgic. This ad appeared in every single comic book printed from 1968 through at least 1979:

I know its hard to read....but this ad always fascinated me. The poor guy....the girl with him is such a BITCH. They get sand kicked in their face by the bully.....who promptly tells the guy that he'd smash his face in...only he was so skinny he might dry up and blow away! And then Miss Bitch is like "don't let it bother you, LITTLE BOY." If I was the guy, I would get strong so I could kick HER ass.

As children, we would re-enact this ad in our play. Except things always fell apart when it was time for the bully to make his threat. Invariably, it would come out "Listen here, I'd smash your face in, but you're so skinny you might BLOW UP and DRY AWAY." This was cause uncontrollable fits of laughter from all involved.

Here's another classic comic book ad, that's going to be too big for my blog space, but you'll probably remember it when you see it anyway.

I always wanted a Frankenstein bike buddy and I was dying to hypnotize everyone.

What's really funny is in researching these ads, most of them are from the 1940's! I'm here to tell you these ads were still going strong in the early 1970's. That's a shitload of hot gum those guys were selling!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 11:17 AM |

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

MORE SOUTHERN LESSONS

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This is a continuation of my Southern Lessons for Damn Yankees and all the other lost souls of the world.

SOUTHERN LESSONS #351 and #352
Every summer....beginning around the end of June.....every good Southern Lady discreetly puts a clean paring knife in her purse. Every good Southern Man just makes sure he cleans the congealed deer guts off his pocket knife and keeps it handy. Why do we do this? Are we planning on hurting someone? ABSOLUTELY NOT....why, that would be just plain rude!! No, we keep a sharp knife handy at all times because you never know when a Good Tomato is going to cross your path.

That's GOOD TOMATO, as in "Daddy's grown a bunch of good tomatoes, and they're gonna go bad unless you take some." Depending on what area you live in and who you're talking to....the word "tomato" may actually sound like "may-tas" or even "may-ters"......however I am actually from the city so I say "toe-may-tas" in the accepted snootified fashion. Okay, I realize that's wrong, too...but it IS how I say it. And that's okay....because I'm Southern!!!!!

But anyway....I stopped growing my own tomatoes after last year. I intend to start back whenever I decide I am ready for love again.....(and that's one of the items on my love agenda...."Must be willing to help dig the tomato patch in the spring.") But I really don' t have to grow my own....free Good Tomatoes come my way almost every single day in August.

When people start getting the first of their tomato harvest....they HOARD those things like gold. They're eating tomatoes every single day....and you know they are. Because they walk around with that self-satisfied "home-grown tomatoes" smirk on their face.

Just remain patient for about two weeks (and visit the Farmer's Stand on the way home). Next thing you know, they're begging you to take those bitches off their hands!!! EVERYONE wants to give you some of their Good Tomatoes. And then they want you to take some that their mamas and their uncles grew, too! Like I said, I eat fresh tomatoes for breakfast, lunch and supper every single day in August. 98 percent of my yearly tomato intake occurs in August.

Which brings us to the next lesson....why you need to visit the South at least once during August and getcha a few of them home-grown toe-may-tas. "But..." you say, "I don't LIKE tomatoes!" Well if you don't like tomatoes, its because you've never had a real one, from the South. Good Tomatoes are not those things you get when you get a sandwich from Subway or Wendy's. As illustrated below:

This tomato is positively ANEMIC. If this is what you're eating....no wonder you hate tomatoes!
THIS is what you want your tomato to look like:

So juicy and tender that making actual slices is impossible....it just kind of falls apart in the plate. And this is NOT a picture off the internet....this is a REAL tomato from my REAL kitchen.

MMMM-MMMMMM GOOD!

HEY GRANDPA! WHAT'S FOR SUPPER?
(You young'uns won't even know what I'm talking about....but your elders sure will!)

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:56 AM |

Monday, August 15, 2005

THINGS I LOVE

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Things I love:

1. Turning on the air conditioning on a hot night, wrapping in a blanket and sleeping in a cold room.
2. Getting a new CD and its just as good as you hoped it would be.
3. Hearing the news that one of your favorite artists is hard at work preparing a new offering.
4. When every once in a blue moon, your child will let you get hugs and kisses like you did when she was just a little thing.
5. Watching the anticipation in my hamsters' eyes when its time to distribute the yummy treats. They are the cutest little beggars!
6. Late afternoon/early evening...spending HOURS on the beach looking for stuff.
7. Being with someone who doesn't mind me spending HOURS on the beach looking for stuff.
8. Ditto for the woods and the river.
9. Being out somewhere and not feeling uncomfortable, nervous, anxious, self-conscious, afraid, claustrophobic or any of that other stuff that happens to me a lot in crowds.
10. Having an idea hit you for an art project and it just feels right.
11. People who have stood by me in hard times, and I'm looking forward to standing by them in the future.
12. Hollywood gossip....its just plain fun as long as its just catty and not getting TOO mean. MEOW!
13. Remembering people's birthdays and sending cards - even though I do forget sometimes.
14. A running joke that only you and your joking pal understand, and get red-faced and gasping when laughing about it.
15. OVERTIME.....ain't no doubt about it, baby.
16. Getting the check with the OVERTIME on it.
17. Payday is just a whole happiness entity within itself.
18. Starting on a new book.
19. Finding out there's going to be a fantabulous new library built close to your house. No more journeys downtown!!!
20. Blogs. I love my own blog and I love your blog, too. If I know about your blog, that is. If I don't, then you NEED TO SPEAK UP and let a bitch know where your blog is.
21. So-called "family members" who think they are hurting you by not speaking to you.....but that's okay, you'll need me before I EVER need you. I'd advise you to never come a'calling at my door, though.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:22 AM |

Sunday, August 14, 2005

FISH STORIES

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Do you ever stare out to sea and wonder just what all is actually going on under those wild, mysterious waves? Well, wonder no more....just head on over to Markus's blog, Swim At Your Own Risk , and he'll give you the lowdown.....maybe more information that you thought you'd find out!!! Be careful about surfing his blog when eating. But you definitely have to go to this blog, you'll be a better person for having read it...and you'll probably never venture into the water again. His "Victim of The Day" spots are not to be missed.

Its been awhile since I added a new blog to the roll, so go check it out.

Speaking of fish, we had to go to the pet store for supplies today....and guess what happened?

Give a big hello to Lord Fishbein III, a.k.a. New Fishie. I couldn't help it, you guys. I had noticed him when we were at the pet store 2 weeks earlier....and when I went back and there he was still....it was fate. This fish is really special, I just get a vibe from him. Plus he's gorgeous...I couldn't get him to really spread his fins out and show his color for the camera but he looks like a watercolor painting. I've found my next art project.

Also today I stopped by the Farmer's Market and got vegetables to make my annual Southern Meal from Hell. Tonight I cooked corn on the cob, boiled new potatoes, butter beans, fried squash, fresh tomato slices, and an awesome piece of grilled fish on the side. I refrained from making any biscuits, but I might have to break down and make some tomorrow, when we eat yet more veggies. I bought a bunch of purple hull peas but I need to shell them. And let me tell you something, that corn is the sweetest corn I've ever gotten anywhere. The kids were practically inhaling the corn.

And yeah, I know that grilling the fish ain't the true Southern Way, but I'm not going to ruin a perfectly succulent piece of seafood by throwing it in oil and frying the living shit out of it. I'm sure my ancestors will forgive me.

I LOVE SUMMER!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:03 AM |

Saturday, August 13, 2005

MORE PETE, MORE SPARKLE

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More reports from the Pete Doherty Trainwreck Desk:

I'm telling you guys, it just keeps getting better and better.....
Remember the other day when I blogged about Kate Moss and Pete Doherty getting back together? Again? Well, I had a funny feeling there might be more to the story and you know what....there was plenty of outrageousness. They didn't just get back together....Pete actually set fire to his bed as a cry of help to Kate to come back to him. Yes, he set fire to the bed. Now I'm not really sure what the significance of that was......and if the truth were known I bet he probably fell asleep with a crack pipe burning and decided to just put a spin on it so he could get his girlfriend back.

And now the latest is that his band, Babyshambles, played some unannounced gig somewhere and they broke the sound barrier, so the police have confiscated all their equipment. Pete's gonna have to sell a LOT of crack to pay for new equipment!

I don't care if you don't care about Pete Doherty.....I'm going to keep on telling you everything that happens, because something unbelievable is going to go down, I can feel it!

Speaking of having feelings about something, I started having feelings about a hurricane a few days ago. It just feels like one....its so humid and you can actually see mist in the air at ground level. I looked on the 'Net and sure enough, there's one out there brewing right now, called Irene. I don't know if it will come this way but supposedly there's a good chance. So I have a funny feeling we're going to get hit soon.....if not Irene, some other hurricane.

Get out the history books and record this....Sparkle actually picked up her guitar and played tonight. (Can you tell I like taking pics of my daughter?)

GASP! She's actually playing her guitar!!!!

She looks all badass in this picture.

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:19 AM |

Friday, August 12, 2005

WHAT ARE YOU GOOGLING TODAY?

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I kind of got over the novelty of having Site Meter quite a few months ago. I will check it sporadically, mostly to note that my readership numbers have fallen yet again. HA! Just kidding. Well, not really...

What I really look for when I check out my site meter now is what words people have typed into a search engine to find my site. Its really hilarious stuff! Here is a running list I've been keeping.......

THE THINGS THAT BRING PEOPLE TO MY SITE:

Olay Coupons - well I might have some old ones tucked away somewhere.....
Arby's Oven Mitt Recall - something I actually DID blog about once.
Naked Ville Valo Pictures - now, I have blogged about ol' Ville many times....but never about him being naked! Hmmm....maybe I should start?
Hair Curlers Fetish - heh heh, too funny!
Brenda the Devil! - note the ! on the end. I'm going to write to Google and tell them I'm offended.
Boyfriend Period Tampon String Weblog - um, pardon?
ing Brenda - add your verb of choice
Negativity - an ongoing issue here at Planet Brenda
Purchase Freakies Cereal Magnets - I've had emails about this too. NO I'M NOT SELLING THEM!!!
Lesbian and one of the Desperate Housewives - I don't recall ever blogging on either subject
Bangalore Pimp Girls - Ditto!
Snuffalufagus Porn - LOL! I know where the Snuffalufagus part came from.....
Listenable Viva La Bam Theme Song - as opposed to the unlistenable version?
Tiny Little Fast Cars for Brenda - hey, as long as they run well.....I'm down with it!
Bobby Brady pics - Why, why, why?
Brides Gone Bad - I AM knowledgable on this particular subject.
My Mom Brenda - that's "mother" to you, Bucko
Brenda in flag signals? - send.....help....immediately
Brenda many fingers - Okay, now they're making fun of my body parts!
Blasphemous Hotel California - burn, baby, burn
She Male Planet - Is that why Eddie Murphy keeps hanging out on my blog?

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:17 AM |

Thursday, August 11, 2005

NEWS AND BITS

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Sparkle and Bitchard broke up. As mother of one of the affected parties, I saw this coming from several miles away, many many months ago. I will refrain from saying anything more due to the delicate nature of the subject matter....however, I bet if you really, really apply your brains to this, you can figure out for yourself what has happened. You may submit your guesses to the comments section. The one who comes closest to getting it right wins the "Brain of The Day" award.

I just wish they could have broken up AFTER they picked me up from work like they were supposed to. I'm sitting here waiting on my emergency back-up now.

My alarm clock died this morning. Well actually its been misbehaving for a few days now, but it has been confirmed....the clock is dead. It still shows the time, but the snooze button is history. I log in at least 10 hours of snooze per week, so I can't complain that the clock hasn't been a decent one.

This gives a whole new spin on being "whipped".

From the Pete Doherty Trainwreck Desk: Pete and Kate Moss are back together again and have been spotted smooching it up around London. This was their 16th reunion.....this year! I guess they decided to share the ~~crack~~ peace pipe of forgiveness and let bygones be bygones, at least until time to kick each other's ass again which will probably be about 2 weeks from now. Anyway, Kate got her some Johnny Knoxville whilst single, so it wasn't like it was a waste of time or anything.

And speaking of Johnny Knoxville, here's a glowing CNN report attesting to Johnny's sterling moral character and even praising him for his TALENT:
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/09/johnny.knoxville.ap/index.html

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:44 AM |

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

FISHIE UPDATE

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I wanted to do an update on my fish.

Fishie has been getting music on the headphones for at least an hour (usually more) every working day. He really, really loves it. At first he would just swim in between the headphones and hang out there....I guess just getting into the vibes. But now that he's accustomed to it, he's changed his behavior a lot.

When male bettas are happy in their tanks and feel secure from enemies, they begin to blow a lot of bubbles. Then they gather their bubbles to one side of the tank and make them into a nest. Here is a bubble nest pictured below:

This is just a picture of one off the internet.....

Well, ever since Fishie has been getting a steady dose of music every day, he's gone crazy blowing bubbles. He blows most of them at night when I am away.....but once I start his music up the next morning, he gets busy tending to his nest. He drags all his bubbles over to one side of the tank and packs them tightly while listening to his music. And he enjoys working the whole time the music plays. Its really fascinating to watch.

So what kind of music does Fishie like? He likes his music with a steady beat and lots of guitar. He seems to enjoy piano too, but only if it is accompanied with a beat. He will listen to lots of violin and cello without a beat however....but he seems to prefer the Bach to the Beethoven. He enjoys both rock and punk the best. I bet he would like country music too....but I refuse to try him on it. I haven't tried him on any blues yet.

In fact, the only thing that Fishie has truly NOT LIKED was the "Pretty Hate Machine" CD by Nine Inch Nails. That CD is very industrial....the beats are very staccato at times and he just didn't like it at all. I knew he didn't because he turned completely black, no blue showed at all, his fins drooped, and he was trying to hide under his plants. But he is a big fan of the NEW Nine Inch Nails CD!

The music in general really seems to agree with him....he eats great and he's growing like a weed. So give your fish some music today!!!!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:14 AM |

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

JOHNNY DEPP OVEN MITTS!!!!

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I did something incredibly stupid this past weekend. While "contouring my eyebrows" a.k.a. "plucking them", I sat next to a 100 watt lightbulb. I didn't even think about it, I was just concentrating on seeing what I was doing. Well, big mistake. I think I burned my retinas or something. Being outside in the light is very uncomfortable now. Putting on some sunglasses while I worked today crossed my mind more than once. Hopefully everything will be okay but I can't believe I was so dumb.

Look at what I bought for myself this weekend:

Its a Johnny Depp change purse!!! I almost fell out when I saw it. And today when it was time to go to lunch, I brought it out and I was the envy of all my girlfriends. Well, they got a good laugh out of it anyway. But I didn't care....the whole world already knows I have a Johnny Depp problem. And if a Johnny Depp change purse is wrong, I don't want to be right, baby.

Do you think they'll eventually make some Johnny Depp oven mitts?

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 11:10 AM |

Monday, August 08, 2005

YAWN

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It was North Carolina's Tax Free weekend this weekend. All we did today was walk around shopping places. Too....tired....to......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 12:00 PM |

Sunday, August 07, 2005

MY DAUGHTER SPARKLE

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My Daughter Sparkle. by Brenda

I used to have a normal life until this little baby showed up on the scene. She was pretty I didn't know what to do. And she liked to drink a lot bottles and she used a lot of diapers. When she was learning to walk, she fell on her butt and her diaper had a blowout. When she stood up she had cotton trailing out of her ass.

Ace says Sparkle is being pissy tonight.

I was a working mom, and so she was in daycare. She really enjoyed her daycare. She learned to talk and then she never learned to shut up.

The early years of school were difficult. The glowing "very sociable child" comments quickly turned to "talks excessively in class" comments.

Now she is getting ready to be in the 10th grade. I can't believe it. She still doesn't shut up though. Ace, Bitchard and I were stunned to learn, during the course of regular conversation, that Sparkle does not know who John Wilkes Booth is! She claims she has never heard his name, has never studied him. Ever. Or studied the presidents, for that matter. For a little while there, I was plotting to show up at the school on the first day and demand to know where my tax dollars were going. But gradually I began to realize that her class probably studied Abe Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth long ago, but she probably talked and passed notes through the whole thing.

Ace and Bitchard knew who John Wilkes Booth was, but my daughter didn't know. She can tell you got kicked off America's Top Model last week, though. Ace and I are planning a collaboration on writing a John Wilkes Booth rock song, something like "She Don't Know Who John Wilkes Booth Is" or something.

Sparkle and I helped Ace with his androgynous rock star image.
Make-up: Sparkle
Hair: Brenda

Androgynous mind, androgynous mind
Androgynous mind, androgynous mind
Androgynous mind, androgynous mind
Hey hey its okay, hey hey its okay
Hey hey its okay, hey its okay
- Sonic Youth
Androgynous Mind

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:05 AM |

Saturday, August 06, 2005

WOW!

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In reponse to yesterday's Libertines/Pete Doherty post:

I received an email from a good friend of mine, James. First of all, James would like to for me to announce to the entire world in my blog that he is gay. Duly noted. Then he sent me this great picture of Pete Doherty and Carl Barat of the Libertines getting affectionate onstage.

Now this may seem strange, but that's kind of hot! Thanks, James, for totally disturbing the balance of my inner universe. You rock!

Also, I am guessing this picture was taken before Pete broke into Carl's flat and stole his guitar, which never fails to blow my mind. The nerve of that guy!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:01 AM |

Friday, August 05, 2005

TRAINWRECKS!!!!!

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Trainwreck of the day:
What's worse than sending a slightly off-color private email to the wrong person when you're at the office?

Answer: Mistakenly sending the slightly off-color private email to your entire company.

I ain't saying who, but it wasn't me. I did laugh till I turned green though, which really wasn't very nice of me. But there's a rumor going around that Stew is hiring, so maybe things won't end as badly as I think they'll probably end.

Trainwreck #2:

Pete Doherty, pictured on the left, with the Libertines.

Yeah, I know you probably don't know who the Libertines are....and that's okay. That's why you read my blog. I keep up with this stupid shit so you don't have to....and then I pass it on only once you NEED to know. Pete Doherty was the co-leader of the Libertines, a English band who I happen to like, even though they kind of suck and they're sloppy as hell. But that's why I like them. But ANYWAY....the Libertines are broken up now and its all because of Pete.

Pete Doherty is the ultimate trainwreck. He's a hopeless drug addict with violent tendencies. He's a former male prostitute. He even pulled time in jail because he stole money and stuff from his one of his bandmates so he could get drugs. So naturally, supermodel Kate Moss was dead on it as soon as she met that bitch. Go figure. They've carried on this wild love affair and every second of it has been covered by the English press. Kate totally kicked Pete's ass on one of London's tubes once. Then there's the heartwarming story of the both of them lovingly (and openly!) sharing a crackpipe at the Glasgow Festival. The Libertines broke up and Pete formed a band called Babyshambles (that name SUCKS! And yet, it seems so fitting). Kate Moss decides she wants to sing with Pete and tries to break Babyshambles up, but I think someone must have kicked her ass or something, because now her and Pete have broken up for like the fifteenth time since the beginning of the year. And the saga just keeps going on and on....I've decided its time for you people to learn who Pete Doherty is....I got a funny feeling its only a matter of time before something REALLY spectacular happens and then you can say you already know all about Pete.

Hey Pete, maybe that other English trainwreck, Charlotte Church, is available?

Trainwreck #3:

Here's one of my favorite whipping boys from P.B. (Pre-Blog), Scott Stapp a.k.a Scott Strap-on. Here's a link to an extremely funny story concerning Mr. Strap-on. I don't know if its really true or not....but I have a feeling it must be because NO ONE would spend this much time typing up Scott Strap-on gossip if it wasn't true. What a douche. Happy reading!
http://www.livejournal.com/users/tomluv/13923.html

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 9:40 AM |

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Daisy Duke

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I received an email in my inbox a little while back, unsigned.....and its no one's address that I recognize. Here's the contents of the email:

"Hell, I'd do Daisy Duke in a heartbeat. I think she still looks fine."

What do you do when something like this happens? This isn't a hoax email. Someone legitimately sent this....but the burning question is.....WHY? Who is this person? And why would they think I would care for one minute whether they did Daisy Duke or not? Its just too much for me to handle. I suppose I could reply and ask "Who are you?" but....do I really want to know who? Nah.

Besides, I'm too busy worrying about the important information Johnny Knoxville might be witholding from the world.

WE DESERVE TO KNOW!!!!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:11 AM |

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

OUT OF THE HOUSE

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I think I've neglected mention the small but IMPORTANT fact that...umm...I don't have a car anymore. It died. I'm not going to get it fixed either. There's too much bad karma associated with that car now. I'm getting a Toyota Camry, its used but its free...but that's another story for another day.

So I've been without a car....and guess who shows up and is nice enough to take Sparkle and I out on errands?

Its Ace, shown here suffering from a pizza-fueled rock and roll mania

Of course, the first place I was ready to go was Offbeat Music. The guy who runs the store was so happy to see me, he gave me a free poster:

YEAH! Every once in awhile its so great to be me.

Then we hit the drugstore for some necessities.....and also some non-necessities:

Some things you simply must own. Knoxville is a lot like Johhny Depp.....with none of the talent! That's so hot!

Speaking of no talent, look what else we got. This fragrance was discussed in depth in my blog months ago. Now we have our very own.

The best thing Britney Spears ever did.

And Sparkle just had to get this:

A Digi-Pet. You can choose what you want your Digi-Pet to be. But isn't it kind of dehumanizing and degrading that you can choose a boy or girl to be your very own Digi-Pet?

After we got home, it was time for jams.

Ace couldn't decide which guitar to play, so he just played them all. At the same time.

Ace on guitar, Bitchard on bass, Sparkle in lazy mode.

It was awesome to get out of the house and Get Stuff. A much needed lifting of the spirit was achieved. Thank you Ace!!!!!

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:57 AM |

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

SNAKE = SIN

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I've done some pretty wacky things for thrills. I once walked a tightrope across the backyard (and made it!) and I've ridden some of the faster rollercoasters ever. But nowadays, nothing beats the rush of telling devout, pious, Southern Baptists that my daughter owns a snake. To be honest with you, its become such addictive fun that I've actually told a few that I own the snake myself! I would have never thought this snake would end up being such a hoot.

The S.B.'s eyes widen and their bodies grow still, like a deer caught in the headlights. They are calulating the odds of the soul of a person owning a snake ending up in hell inside their mind. I had one lady ask me if I was aware that the snake represents the Devil. (newsflash: Yes, I've read the Bible, sweetie, TWICE!) Another lady asked polite questions, but later left a couple of religious tracts on my desk when I wasn't around (someone else ratted her out, no pun intended). YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? I'm totally not kidding!

One of the most famous tracts ever.

I don't go off on these people. Oh its very tempting, and sometimes I wish somebody like Stew was around to come up with something laughable. But I was raised Southern Baptist and a big part of me has compassion for [the audacity of!] these people. Most of them grew up in an atmosphere where everyone went to church, THE ONLY CHURCH, the Southern Baptist church. Many of them have never opened their mind an inch. Many of them never touched a book beyond school....and I would even dare to say some of them can't read. These people are genuinely afraid of what would happen to their soul if they took the time to find out a little about, say....Hinduism, for example. And if they find out that YOU have taken the time to find out a few things....woo boy. They would be calling your house incessantly asking you to church on Sunday. Christianity teaches them that its their DUTY to try to save you. I've only managed to escape because In Real Life I was given a most unique and beautiful gift, one that only a few people in the world are granted, and that is the uncanny ability to keep my mouth shut and smile.

Smile till it hurts

There is a Certain Devout Person I know, who may or may not be related to me, who quit his job and took early retirement because he couldn't stand being in such close quarters with others who were cursing and otherwise not conducting themselves as a good Christian should. TOOK EARLY RETIREMENT!!!! And also, this CDP, when his child was a teenager, made his child burn his copy of "Hotel California" by the Eagles because of a certain blasphemous word contained in "Life in the Fast Lane". HE BURNED AN EAGLES RECORD! I was only a kid when that one happened and I was floored. Nowadays people burn Eagles records for other reasons but none of them to do with the dreaded g.d. word! Anyway, I remember that day kneeling down beside my bed and saying,

Posted by brendalove@gmail.com @ 3:37 AM |