I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Friday, March 23, 2007


When I left work this afternoon, I hit a wrinkle in the fold of the Universe and drove directly into the Parallel Universe of Insanity. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, though I did notice that traffic was unusually violent. Lots of too-fast driving, honking horns and death-defying sprints to beat changing stoplights. No, things didn't start getting weird until I got to the grocery store.

I get behind a black Pathfinder that is traveling through the parking lot at approximately 3 m.p.h. Oh, I was patient, very patient, for about 10 seconds. Finally I'm like OH MY GOD I've seen great-grandmas with bunions go faster using walkers and canes. I wait for the right moment and then blaze around the Pathfinder. The reason the woman was going so slow is because she was reading! While driving! I blazed through the shopping center parking lot and got a parking space. I trudged towards the grocery store entrance but had to stop and wait before crossing over.....because here comes that %&#*$& Pathfinder, still going 3 m.p.h., bitch still reading. She sure wasn't speeding up just because someone was waiting to cross over....or stop, either, for that matter. I felt my patience give a little shudder, but hey, no problem!

Once in the store, I had yogurt on my list....there was a lady parked right in front of the yogurt display, staring slack-jawed at the selection. Not comparing labels or reading ingredients, just staring. I wait a moment for her to move on...and she doesn't. I finally move over next to her. No response. Finally I start reaching up on the shelf around her to get a few things of yogurt, and saying "excuse me". She finally comes to life then, looking at me like haveyoulostyourfreakingmindyoufool? I smiled sweetly and chalked it up to schizophrenia. No problem!

Until I move on and the aisle is blocked by another woman, just standing there staring! Not checking her list or even looking at any products, just staring. Okay, things are starting to get weird. My nerves are starting to grind against each other.

I get all my stuff except the Pepperidge Farm stuffing, which I cannot find to save my life. About this time a voice comes booming over the loudspeaker "DERRICK, NEED CUSTOMER SERVICE AT THE MEAT COUNTER". About two minutes later I hear someone howling loudly back at the meat counter "YOOOOO HOO! I STILL NEED HELP!" I was starting to not believe this shopping trip.

And I still couldn't find that Pepperidge Farm stuffing! I'm wandering the aisles and I'm really getting stressed out. On the PA system, U2 is droning over and over "I stiiiiiiiiill haven't foooooound what I'm looking forrrrrrrr" and something in my head snaps. I pull my cart over to the side and assess the situation. What is happening here? Is it possible someone has slipped something into my drink before I left work? Is Alan Funt Jr lurking around somewhere? I've got to get out of here.

The Pepperidge Farm stuffing is finally located on the canned vegetable aisle. WTF but at least I found it, right? I pay for my stuff and rush for my car.....but not before having to wait a second time for Ms. Pathfinder, still cruising the parking lot at 3 m.p.h. with her eyes glued to her reading material.

I was never so glad to get home as I was today.

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