I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Wednesday, July 12, 2006


98% of the meetings I attend at Conglomo are unnecessary meetings. And today was the Mother of All Unnecessary Meetings. A solid two-and-a-half hours of absolutely nothing I needed to know. Here's how it went:

I sat quietly and attentively for about....oh....10 minutes. Then it starts. First I slide my foot in and out of my shoe. Then I re-shoe myself and start swinging my foot. Before long my feet are crossed at the ankles and I'm swinging my legs back and forth like a little kid. Then it hits me how utterly ridiculous I must look, so I stop. I sneak a glance around the room and notice that no one else seems to be having attention span problems. I straighten up and resume a professional stance. But before I know it, my foot is sliding in and out of my shoe again; repeat.

And then IT happens. My ass....it goes numb. There's nothing worse than Numb Ass - and there's no cure except getting off of your ass. But I might miss some unnecessary information if I do that! So I start trying to cope. First I slide forward in the chair to relieve ass pressure. It works for say, 2 minutes. So I slide back in the chair to apply pressure to my ass from a different direction.

Then I start leg crossing. Cross 'em, uncross 'em, cross 'em again. This lets your ass deal with pressure on a cheek to cheek basis. My tailbone is quickly becoming a numb/painful/hopeless situation...it won't be long before its beyond redemption.

Meanwhile, my mouth has gone dry and I'm worried I might have residual coffee breath. And good Lord, did someone pass gas? A smell keeps wafting by. What if everyone thinks I did it? Paranoia begins to set in. Then finally, Misery arrives. I begin to believe its truly never going to end. My body is numb and achy. My mind is filled with paranoia, disgust, and oh yeah! Lots of useless information. I'm totally exhausted and I haven't done a damned thing. The meeting ends and I shuffle out to my car a bit unsteadily as I'm not sure blood flow has resumed to my ass. Its all I can do to get myself home and pass out on the couch.

2 1/2 hours of my life is gone and I can never get it back. The older I get, the more I resent my time being wasted. I've only got just so much time left, ya know?