I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Breastfeeding 101


When a woman has a baby, it is the most beautiful thing in the world. When she chooses to breastfeed the baby, it is a monumental decision that everyone would agree is in the best interest of the child's nutritional future. However, along with the decision to breastfeed comes certain....etiquettes....that you really should consider.

Now as far as I'm concerned, you can flop your boobs out any-old-where and feed your baby. It doesn't bother me and hey....I have boobs myself....and mine probably look better than yours anyway....so a couple of boobs hanging around that are accomplishing something productive is a good thing and I'm not intimidated.

However, not everyone feels the same way I do......most especially the guys. Seriously....do not flop your boob out in public and make all the guys turn green. If the baby needs to be fed, keep plenty of blankets handy so you can discreetly feed the child. The guys might know what you are doing but they have no reason to feel uncomfortable.

No one really wants to hear about your adventures in breast pumping....especiallly about how the pump malfunctioned and breast milk was backing up into the tubes, all frothy and shit. I was turning green over that one.

It is highly improper to inform everyone in a business meeting that your baby loves breastfeeding, and has started getting rough while feeding.....and how much you just love it!!!! This causes most everyone who understands English to feel extremely uncomfortable. Its just TOO MUCH INFORMATION, 'kay? I'm sure it was a touching mother/baby moment, but you just had to be there. Or not. In the meantime, all the guys present have fainted.

In closing, the key to sucessful breastfeeding is discretion. Enjoy this part of your life. Just spare the rest of us the gory details.