I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Sunday, September 25, 2005


When the truth is found
To be lies
And all the joy within you dies
Don't you want somebody to love?

I was married for a long time but that shit ended when it could have very easily worked out....but it involved *gasp* actual work....and an unmanly display of emotions! But whatever. (How's that for putting a marriage in a nutshell?)

Then I got involved with Blab for 6 long years. 6 years of him talking me slam to death and one Lynyrd Skynyrd tour after another (long-time readers know what I'm talking about). He's the kind of person that if there's nothing wrong, he's going to MAKE something be wrong. 6 years = 1 year of happiness and 5 years of me backing up further and further.....this was the only relationship I'd ever been in that went backwards! But I take full responsibility for all of that. I was the wrong party in this case. But whatever.

Then I went on a couple of dates that went nowhere....but the last one was an epic disaster. He seemed so cool and I was really expecting good things ....yet once we were out on the date he professed his fondness of crack cocaine and by the way just how much money do I make per year anyway? And that's just scraping the surface of all the crap he said that night. I didn't blog about it because it was unbloggable; it wasn't funny and I couldn't even find a way to make it humorous. I just couldn't wait to get home. How did this guy get past my Bullshit Detection Radar far enough to ever go on a date with him? Obviously some vital sensory function was non-operational on my part and it was dangerous to continue socializing until repairs could be made. Actually it was like something inside me snapped that night. I vowed to take a year off from men, dating, anything of the sort.

In another couple of months it'll be a year since the Date of Doom.....and I've kept my vow.....and I feel like something is very wrong with me. Its like I've died inside or something. I have no interest in meeting anyone and its like I already know there's no one out there for me anyway. I don't even want to try.......and furthermore, I could care less. I don't think this is normal behavior. My heart truly feels like its made of snow.

But whatcha gonna do? It wouldn't be right or fair to be stepping out there and going on dates when I feel like this. Men my age aren't interested in friendship; they want to hook up......and quickly, too. The only thing I know to do is just roll with how I feel. I guess its happening for a reason but I sure do feel kind of funny about it all. I have more anxiety about things not seeming right than I have over thinking that love basically sucks a big fat one. Maybe I should go to the hospital or something? Oh wait, my deductible sucks. Maybe I should wait and Prince Charming will show up on the scene with a heart-melting blowtorch? Riiiiiiight.

Any love (or lack of love) advisors out there?