I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Friday, August 26, 2005

DISCLAIMER: Do NOT read while eating lunch or other gratuitous dining.

Wow. I've sat on this story for a while....I have been very unsure how I was going to tell the story, or if I was even going to tell the story at all. It is of a very delicate nature. But its ruined my life for long enough....I gotta tell it.....and thus exorcise the demon and ruin YOUR life.

This actually happened to my sister and her husband like maybe 2 months ago. If it had happened to me, you would still be hearing me screaming, no matter where you live.

On a Friday night Sis and the hubby were hanging out at home together when someone starts pounding on the front door. Sis answers it and it is their next-door neighbors....a couple I will call Jack and Jill.

Now we've always suspected Jill wasn't quite right in the head. There's just certain things that made us think this that I won't go into now. When Sis answers the door, Jill runs in the house and is like "I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM" and takes off down the hall. Jack comes in and explains that he and Jill have locked themselves out of the house and she needed to use the restroom. He sits down and starts chatting with Sis and the hubby.

Sis said that Jill was in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. No sounds are coming from the bathroom. Sis was getting ready to ask Jack if maybe they should check on her when finally she hears the toilet flushing. She does NOT hear water running...like maybe Jill might be washing her hands...but whatever. Yuck.

Finally Jill comes out and there is some chatting (and a big whiff of rancid air) and finally Jack and Jill are leaving. Sis and her hubby are at the door saying good-bye. As J & J are walking down the front steps, Sis and hubby realize that both of Jill's entire back legs are coated in a sheet of.....poo. Yes, poo. They close the door and both of them are like "OH MY GOD, did you see that???"....when suddenly a dreaded thought hits Sis. Oh no. God no. Oh no, no. no.

She goes to her bathroom, opens the door....and what do you think? There's poo everywhere. Poo all over the floor. Poo on the toilet. Poo on the back of the toilet. POO ON THE WALLS!

Sis said she could not have been any more devastated than if she had walked in and discovered a murder victim laying there in the bathroom. She retched, she gagged, both her and her husband were crying. Finally, they just ended up closing off the bathroom and going to bed. Sis said she cried herself to sleep.

Next morning, Sis was up bright and early with surgical mask, latex gloves, and gallons of antibacterial cleaner. The entire bathroom got stripped down. The bathroom throw rugs were thrown away and replaced with new ones. The toilet seat was thrown away and replaced. Everything got scrubbed, scrubbed again, and scrubbed yet again. Every single thing on the bathroom counter was sterilized or thrown away. New toothbrushes, the works. God bless my sister, she got that bathroom clean again.

But my mind reels. WHAT WAS THIS GIRL THINKING??? That they wouldn't find it? She goes into the bathroom and has a major assplosion....and then just walks away? Is the girl insane? Normal people don't do this....or least if they do, they feel compelled to clean up after themselves. I felt soooooo bad for my sister, having to deal with this highly unnatural FECAL FIASCO.

And they haven't seen the girl since then. Sis has said she is NEVER going to let her back in the house, and she's going to tell her why, too. I think this is showing phenomenal restraint. I honestly can't say what I would have done if this shitstorm had occurred at my house. I believe I would have started screaming and just never stopped.

Better yet, I would have gone directly over to Jill's house, grabbed her by the hair, dragged her back to my house and rubbed her nose in it till she begged for mercy or lost consciousness, whichever came first, all the while spewing obscenities at her. HOLY SHIT, even us Southerners have our rudeness limits!!!!!

So, that's that. I just had to tell you guys this story. Maybe now that I have it off my chest, I can move on. And the moral is: don't let anybody in your bathroom. Ever