I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Tuesday, August 02, 2005


I've done some pretty wacky things for thrills. I once walked a tightrope across the backyard (and made it!) and I've ridden some of the faster rollercoasters ever. But nowadays, nothing beats the rush of telling devout, pious, Southern Baptists that my daughter owns a snake. To be honest with you, its become such addictive fun that I've actually told a few that I own the snake myself! I would have never thought this snake would end up being such a hoot.

The S.B.'s eyes widen and their bodies grow still, like a deer caught in the headlights. They are calulating the odds of the soul of a person owning a snake ending up in hell inside their mind. I had one lady ask me if I was aware that the snake represents the Devil. (newsflash: Yes, I've read the Bible, sweetie, TWICE!) Another lady asked polite questions, but later left a couple of religious tracts on my desk when I wasn't around (someone else ratted her out, no pun intended). YOU THINK I'M KIDDING? I'm totally not kidding!

One of the most famous tracts ever.

I don't go off on these people. Oh its very tempting, and sometimes I wish somebody like Stew was around to come up with something laughable. But I was raised Southern Baptist and a big part of me has compassion for [the audacity of!] these people. Most of them grew up in an atmosphere where everyone went to church, THE ONLY CHURCH, the Southern Baptist church. Many of them have never opened their mind an inch. Many of them never touched a book beyond school....and I would even dare to say some of them can't read. These people are genuinely afraid of what would happen to their soul if they took the time to find out a little about, say....Hinduism, for example. And if they find out that YOU have taken the time to find out a few things....woo boy. They would be calling your house incessantly asking you to church on Sunday. Christianity teaches them that its their DUTY to try to save you. I've only managed to escape because In Real Life I was given a most unique and beautiful gift, one that only a few people in the world are granted, and that is the uncanny ability to keep my mouth shut and smile.

Smile till it hurts

There is a Certain Devout Person I know, who may or may not be related to me, who quit his job and took early retirement because he couldn't stand being in such close quarters with others who were cursing and otherwise not conducting themselves as a good Christian should. TOOK EARLY RETIREMENT!!!! And also, this CDP, when his child was a teenager, made his child burn his copy of "Hotel California" by the Eagles because of a certain blasphemous word contained in "Life in the Fast Lane". HE BURNED AN EAGLES RECORD! I was only a kid when that one happened and I was floored. Nowadays people burn Eagles records for other reasons but none of them to do with the dreaded g.d. word! Anyway, I remember that day kneeling down beside my bed and saying,