I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Sunday, February 13, 2005


It was quite a few years ago when my friend from work "Babs" invited me to visit her home for a party. Babs is a sweet lady. We've always gotten along well, so I told her I would come to her party. When I got to her house, it was exactly what I expected, a brick suburban home, well-cared for, non-Ghetto. Babs comes to the door and says "Come around back! The party's back here!" So I go around to the backyard and GOOD GOD! It was the redneck party from hell! Totally unexpected!

Now, in North Carolina, rednecks don't actually look like this:

It's more like this:

Or this:

Or even this:

(These are not the actual people I know, by the way)
I was kind of scared but I stayed and used the tactic I always use when I'm in a weird situation...it involves a lot of nodding and smiling. It was so obvious I was out of place but these people didn't care and they just welcomed me like I was one of the crowd. I've actually grown to like this little crowd....I only see them a couple of times a year when Babs has a party but I always try to make it over there. They like me because I smile and nod a lot.....and then once they get totally trashed I start talking to them about impossibly nerdy stuff just to freak them out.

Me: "Did you know that the tree frog survives in winter by producing a chemical in their bodies that acts as an antifreeze.....the frog seems frozen solid but the chemical keeps their cells from totally freezing up. When the weather warms back up they thaw out and go on about their regular life."
Drunk Redneck: "Goddamn, its a damn shame Bon Scott (of AC-DC) didn't know how to do that shit! He got all fucked up and froze to death in that car!"
Me: "Actually I heard that was a rumor. I think he just choked on his own vomit."
Drunk Redneck: "Naw, what happened is that he got all fucked up and got in that car and puked and it was so fucking cold that puke and shit FROZE in his throat and cut his air off."
Me: [nodding agreeably] "You know, you're probably right."
Drunk Redneck: "Hell yeah. Damn Bon Scott can't even save himself from the cold but a sorry-ass tree frog'll live through all kinds of shit. I bet Bon Scott could hold more beer than that damn frog, though."

You get the idea. To be fair, I am sure this is how they see me:

Bab's nerdy girl-friend from work.

So Babs had a little get-together last night. Just for fun I took my new microscope over there for awhile. They were all totally into it! Everyone wanted to see what everything looked like under it. We looked at various foods, various cigarette tobaccos, various fingernails, lots of everything. I had to draw the line at a flaming match, though. From the time I got there till the time I left, I was busy adjusting the eyepiece and getting things into focus so everyone could see. I didn't expect it to go over that well but it did.

When I got ready to leave, Bab's husband Brute came up to me and said "How would you like to trade that there microscope for one of my DVD players?" "No way!" I said. "I'll give some DVDs to go with it", he said. "Nope. I waited and saved up too long to get it." "Well, I want to get me one them things, where'd you get it?" So now I'm going to help him get himself a microscope like mine. I just can't help but be amused at the thought of it: