I would have ruled this world too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!
Saturday, January 15, 2005


Today was a crappy day. I absolutely could not WAIT to be done with work today. I had a big plan laid out. I was going to leave work, go to the liquor store, buy the biggest bottle of something I could afford and get laid-out wasted drunk. Here it is 11:30 p.m. and I'm still daintily sipping along. I am not a very good alcoholic. I guess that should be a good thing....but I'm still thinking of buying one of those tube thingies so I can force-feed the alcohol when I want to get rip-roaring drunk.
These miscellaneous gentlemen demonstrate the use of the tube thingie.

So, since I am being so NEGATIVE I thought I would make a list of things I hate:

Whiny Ass People - "My life sucks so bad and I'm like this because I had a terrible childhood." Look, we ALL have a past. You can wallow in the pit of despair and use your past to try to gather sympathy for yourself or you can pick yourself up, move on and make something of yourself. It seems a lot of people prefer to gather sympathy for themselves. I going to write a book called "Whiny Ass People - The Art of Taking Advantage and The People Who Let Them."

People Who Are Never Wrong - Its so much fun watching them make mistakes and grasping for anyone or anything they can blame it on.

People on a Power Trip - There are certain kinds of people who should never be given any kind of power. But sometimes....it happens, usually because someone else lacks character assessment skills. So you end up with someone who gets high off of harrassing people by day and gets high off the cocaine at night. Whoops, did I say that?

Loud, Obnoxious Ass Rednecks - Living here in the Heart of Redneck-land, its my duty to inform all of you that most rednecks are sweet, lovable, mind-their-own-business types who are offensive only to insecure people who need to make fun of others. But then there's The Other Ones.....they speak at no lower than 75 decibels, they wear their hair in a skunk style...a big ass white streak down the middle....and when they laugh it sounds like "HAW HAW HAW!" Listening to enough Hawing in one day can drive you to not-so-temporary insanity. I'm convinced most southern murders involve Hawing of some kind. When they talk it sounds like "WONK WONK WONK WONK WONK WONK. " This shit, when forced upon certain people all day, can drive them to visit the liquor store when they otherwise don't even drink.

I tried really hard to get drunk and I haven't been successful. But at least I'm in a nice quiet place away from the whining, complaining and hawing. I need meditation. I need elixir for frayed nerves. I need to move to a rural area. I need a 3 day weekend. Whew, just in the nick of time!

I wonder if I can sell this gigantic bottle of vodka on Ebay? How long can you keep a bottle of vodka?